Page 56 of The Change Up
“Weird,” I say, taking her hand that’s resting at her side. With a squeeze, I continue. “I see a strong, beautiful woman with perfect curves. A woman who values her health by working out and taking care of the body.”
A blush spreads across her cheeks, while I prompt her to add more. “What else do you see?”
“A wallflower.”
“I see an observer who doesn’t like the spotlight.” Slowly, I trace her arm with my free hand. Running my palm down until it’s back resting on her hip. “Come on, Wildflower, dig deeper. What do you really see when you look in the mirror?”
There’s a long pause after I ask the hard question. As I watch her take in her appearance, I see the moment she breaks. Tears well in her eyes. As the moisture breaks over her lash line, tears streak her flawless face, and as much as I hate seeing them fall, I know this moment is what we need. A chance to be vulnerable with each other. To work through all the barriers we keep in place guarding our hearts.
At this moment, I’m going to see the real Chloe Mariano. The beautifully sweet, damaged girl she keeps hidden behind locked doors.
Finally breaking down as the tears stream down her face, her eyes find mine in the mirror. She wants me to see how she feels at this moment. “I see a six-year-old girl who isn’t good enough. I see the little girl who wasn’t even good enough for her mom to stay.”
Sobs rack through her body as her knees weaken. Pulling her tight to my body, she collapses her weight in my arms as the sobbing continues. “You are enough. You are more than enough, Wildflower.”
“I wasn’t enough for you two years ago,” she says in between sobs. My chest breaks as I realize all the damage I did to her over my selfish behavior.
For years she’s battled the feeling of not being enough and the abandonment by her mom, and here I did the same damn thing.
Then
“No, she’s not enough!”
“Quiet, Camilla,” my dad hisses from the living room. “She’s going to hear you.”
“I don’t care, Scott. You told me—no, you promised me—it would get better. It’s been seven years. We are still in the same rundown apartment.”
I watch as my dad puts his hands on his head, shoulders dropping as he looks so sad. My parents are having another one of their fights. They have been having them more often. The fighting always begins after Daddy tucks me into bed, and he reads me a bedtime story. Right now we are readingThe Wizard of Oz. It’s a thicker chapter book so Daddy only reads one chapter a night.
It’s becoming one of my favorite books. I was really sad when the bad storm came to the farm, but I’m glad Dorothy had her dog, Toto. At least she isn’t alone on her journey to find thewizard who can help her get home. I told my Daddy I wanted a pair of red glitter heels just like she wears.
“It won’t be long, Camilla. I promise.”
Mom huffs out a breath. “That’s what you keep saying, Scott. I’m done putting my life on hold waiting for you to make something of yourself. You’re just a line cook. That’s all you’ve been for the past five years.”
Daddy and Mama think I’m in bed, only I’ve found the perfect hiding place between our beige fabric couch and the end table Daddy and I found on our way home from school. We stopped at a garage sale, and I picked this one up. It was my fault we had to get a new table. I was playing too rough with my dolls, and I accidentally knocked it over causing the leg to break.
“Just a line cook? Is that all you think of me, Camilla?”
“Yes, Scott. You were only supposed to be one night after a party. Too bad for me that my one wild night in college resulted in a broken condom and a baby. You promised you’d always take care of us. You promised me the world. This isn’t the world.”
“So leave, Cam. That little girl is the world. How can you stand here and say we aren’t enough?” My Daddy looks so sad, and I just want to hug him, but I can’t leave my hiding place, or Mama will get mad I’m out of bed.
“I never wanted this. I never wanted to be a mom at nineteen. She might be your whole world, but she isn’t enough to make me stay. Take care, Scott.”
From my spot, I watched my Mama reach for her purse and two suitcases as she walked out the door leaving us behind.
My Daddy crumpled to his knees crying so hard he shook.
As quietly as I could, I went back to my room. I didn’t think Daddy wanted me to go to him.
Laying in bed, I couldn’t help the tears that started pouring from my eyes. My mama didn’t want me. She didn’t love me. I wasn’t enough to make her stay.
Sometime later when I had fallen asleep, I felt my Daddy climb into bed next to me. He pulled me close and whispered how much he loved me and that I was his world. His Amore Mia.
But all I could think about was how I wasn’t enough.
What if someday I’m not enough for my Daddy?
