Page 12 of The Pass Protection
Junior year in a new location is what I needed.
“There she is,” comes from my side. Turning, I notice all the guys are watching me.
Quirking my brow with confusion, I tilt my head. Harris speaks first. “Happy looks good on you.”
I feel my cheeks heat, and the smile he just complimented me on softens. “Good night, guys.”
“Night,” they say in unison, and I turn my attention to Crew, who has been surprisingly quiet. Only when my eyes snap to him do I find him already watching me. “Thanks for organizing the game night. I needed it.”
And with that, I turn and head to my room.
The blaring sound of my alarm wakes me from sleep. How can it possibly be morning when I feel like I just fell asleep? Last night, like every other night, was filled with restlessness, leading me to my two a.m. bowl of cereal.
Factor in the nightmares and the night before the first day of school nerves and I was wired.
Even starting my third year of college, I still experience that dreadful first day of school nerves. Something about starting a new school year, especially at a new school, sends my nerves on a wild ride. The anxiety creeps in, and my stomach flutters with the unknown.
Silencing my alarm, I toss the covers off and let out a long yawn. My back feels stiff, and I’m in desperate need to stretch out. Making my way from my room to the bathroom right outside my door, I pop my head out to the main area and notice that no one is home. I’m not surprised since the guys usually have a six o’clock practice.
Running through my morning routine quickly, I head to the living room for a few morning stretches on the workout app. After the quick ten-minute video, I find a morning meditation. Reaching for a pillow off the couch, I use it to sit on since I need to order myself a new bolster. Back in Arizona, my roommate and I shared one, or we’d use the supplies from the yoga studio we frequented.
Living with Olivia was the best decision I made for our sophomore year. She taught me the importance of self-care. Where I thought a good workout and shooting hoops was all I needed, she showed me the importance of talking to my inner self through meditation. I wasthe biggest skeptic and thought meditation was silly, but I’m glad to say I was wrong.
We’ve been taught that eating a well-balanced diet and exercising are vital parts of living a healthy lifestyle, but struggling with inner suffering makes you crazy, or we’re told to just get over it. Somewhere along the way, someone deemed mental health was a taboo topic. But it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I learned that the hard way.
After an extremely hard day, I found myself seconds away from a mental breakdown. The thoughts racing through my mind were thoughts no one should ever have to deal with, let alone by themselves. Olivia found me in the bathroom with a pill bottle in my hand as I stared at the mascara-streaked girl before me.
She saved me that day in more ways than one.
Mental health is a war everyone battles at some point in their life. We’re not crazy. We’re not making it up. We’re not making a bigger deal out of something that shouldn’t be.
Olivia didn’t leave my side the rest of that day, and the next morning I attended my first yoga and meditation class. During the final few minutes of Savasana, I couldn’t fight the sobs any longer.
Shaking my head from the thoughts of the past, I focus on the red-headed instructor on the TV. A calming melody fills the screen, and I follow her instructions on how to get myself comfortable on my pillow. It’s not long, and she’s instructing us to focus on the first word that comes to mind and use that word to focus on throughout the session.
Peace.
My mind instantly connects to the word peace, and it couldn’t be a better word.
There’s nothing more I want in life right now than that. I want to feel like my life is mine again. No more looking over my shoulder, no more nightmares controlling my sleep, no more fear. I’d give anything for calmness to enter my life and erase all the fear.
Focusing on the word peace, I allow the instructor’s soft voice to infiltrate my mind while shutting out everything around me.
“The world outside can be filled with chaos, but within you is a space of tranquility. Focus on your word as you allow the distractions to melt away. Trust in your word and allow it to help navigate you through the noise.”
Slowly, my shoulders start to relax as the tension evaporates. My back stands taller as I let in a long inhale before exhaling. There’s a heaviness in my limbs as I ground myself while keeping my focus word at the front of my mind.
“As we come to an end of today’s practice, take a moment to feel gratitude for this practice and for allowing yourself time to work on your true selves. May your word continue to bring you focus and tranquility, not just in meditation but in every moment of your life. Carry it with you, and let it be a constant reminder of the calm within.”
The video ends as a sense of tranquility falls over me. I’ve learned that starting my morning with fifteen to twenty minutes of meditation makes all the difference.
Now let’s make today my bitch.
Lunch rolls around, and my stomach is growling. Even though I left the athlete life in high school, unlike my brother, my body still prefersto be on some sort of training schedule. This means exercising and eating with a routine is a must.
Walking through the quad, I let my gaze wander over the passing students hustling to and from class. The updated buildings still have the original design and the cobblestone walkways. Central Texas University has a gorgeous campus. Even being 150 or so years old, the campus feels modern and like you’ve stepped back in time.
