Page 31 of The Pass Protection
Crew’s fists tighten, and his body goes rigid. “Did he hurt you?”
My heart warms at the protectiveness he exudes. He’s a lot like my brother in that regard. They both carry around BBE, Big Brother Energy. As much as I wanted to yell out, “Yes, he hurt me,” I couldn’t bring myself to say that. Call it denial, but he’s never physically hurt me. But the mental toll he’s taken over me, now that shit hurts.
“Chad and I met at the beginning of the semester last fall at a party.”
“Wait, his name is Chad?”
“Yeah, it should have been my first red flag, right?”
His brows raise as in an “obviously” remark.
“Anyway, we met at the party and kept bumping into each other the following week. It felt like fate…” I let the words trail off as I reminded myself that Crew was the one in my room. Chad isn’t here and didn’t send me the envelope that caused this spiral.
Sliding higher on the bed, I rest my back against my headboard and pull a pillow into my lap, stroking the fabric. I need something to keep my hands busy.
“Everything started great. He was attentive, always wanting to go on dates and spend time together. He’d drop off little surprise packages with my favorite treats or a black coffee in the morning. I reallystarted to see a future with him.” I pause and let out a huff of air through my nose. “Hell, I even gave him my virginity.”
Crew shuffles in his seat but doesn’t interrupt, and I appreciate his silence.
“It wasn’t like I was saving it for anything special—the time had just never risen to lose it. Growing up, we were always moving, or Grant was overprotective whenever I was around a guy I met, and I never felt comfortable losing it. But Chad kept pushing until one day, I finally gave in. To say it was underwhelming would be an understatement.” Clearing my throat, I pick at the pillow in my lap. “Anyway, us sleeping together must have triggered something in his pea-sized brain because that’s when the raging jealousy and controlling started. He planted these seeds of doubt and insecurity, which I soon started believing.”
The words feel vile coming out of my mouth. I still struggle with how naïve and stupid I was to let thisboy, because let’s face it, that’s what he was, control me. But when someone you’re attracted to starts to water the inner voice inside your head, those insecurities start to grow until they bloom. He would see the way that my mom would talk to me. Even though she was loving and supportive, she still disapproved of some things.
Chad picked at those conversations by telling me that my parents wanted to have control over me and that I was their little puppet who did whatever they told me. How they didn’t appreciate me for who I was and how I needed to loosen the strings between us since I was no longer under their roof.
And the weak part of me that wanted to be in a relationship, who wanted to know what it was like to have a boyfriend, started to think he was right. I put distance between my parents and brother.
Once the first seed was planted, he started in on my friendship with Olivia. Everything spiraled out of control from there. Chad was doingeverything he could to isolate me from everyone else so that I would only rely on him.
I hated myself for it. I thought I was stronger than that, but I was blind. Utterly oblivious to his manipulations.
“He manipulated me into isolating myself from my parents, Grant, and friends, especially my roommate, Olivia. When Grant and Dad visited me last fall, I was a shell of a person. They met Chad and instantly disapproved of him. Grant tried talking to me about him, but I was already too far gone. Chad’s words replayed in my head that Grant didn’t want me to be happy. Grant and I had our first major blow-up. Sure, we fought, you know what it’s like to have a younger sister, but this was different.”
With a shaky inhale, I tilt my head to the ceiling. This next part still hurts. It still makes my chest crack as the guilt and humility come back in force. Tears spring in my eyes, and as they trail down my cheeks, I don’t brush them away. I let the pain wash over me as I allow myself the opportunity to feel the pain. Because feeling it is a reminder that I’m still here. I’m sitting on a bed, and I’m not alone anymore.
I can feel Crew’s energy vibrating, and I hate that I’m dumping all of this trauma on him, but for some reason, I trust him. From the moment we met, I knew there was something special about Crew Riggsby. I thought I knew fate when I met Chad, but I was clueless.
“Eventually, the dates turned into nights at his apartment. He never wanted to go out anymore. Our time together was always spent isolated in his apartment, where we would do nothing but sleep together no matter if I was in the mood or not. He would use his smooth-talking words and my fragile state of mind to coerce me into sex. It was never rape, he never forced himself on me in that regard because I always gave in, but it was like he had me under some kind of mind control. I can’t explain it.
“One night, after a particularly rough day, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I hated who I had become. I hated how my friends had abandoned me, and I couldn’t blame them. My relationship with my family was almost nonexistent, and I was starting to lose Olivia. I wanted it all to end.”
Sobs erupt as the pain cuts through me at the memory. Crew’s large arms wrap around me as he pulls me into his chest. My cheek hits his warm skin as I let my tears pour over him. His large hand rubs circles on my back in slow, calming movements.
With Olivia’s help, I’ve been working on rebuilding myself for the past four months. I started therapy, and Liv took me to yoga and meditation classes. She helped me see that I wasn’t broken and encouraged me to fight back. I’m no longer that weak, naïve girl anymore with fragile mental health, which is why I hate that I’m allowing Crew to see me break.
I’m stronger than this.
Letting out one last shaky breath, I sit up as Crew’s arms drop away from me. I can’t explain it, but I instantly miss the warmth of his embrace.
“Jesus, Bret. That’s some fucked-up shit.” His voice is soft, but I can hear the anger underneath. Crew reaches up and wipes the tears from my mascara-streaked face.
A dark chuckle escapes. “That’s not even all of it.”
“There’s more?” With wide eyes, he runs both hands through his blonde hair as his head shakes.
“The day Olivia found me in the bathroom with a bottle of pills in my hand. I was ready to end it. To swallow away my demons and drift off to another world. She saved me that day. We sat on the bathroom floor and held each other while we both sobbed. Liv helped me see the light, and she helped me end things with Chad.
“But it didn’t stop. Even after ending things with him, he would still pop up out of the blue. Gifts, flowers, pictures, you name it, were left outside our apartment or on my windshield. I’d see his car drive by the apartment and even places I frequented. Everything escalated until I found myself turning into a hermit. I never left the house alone. I quit going to the court, getting groceries, and everything.
