Page 61 of Empire of Carnage
“What if I’m not good at it?” I asked, my voice wavering.
“You could kill all your enemies, baby, and the only person still standing in your way would be you,” Ronan said.
It was the kind of realization that sunk itself so deeply into your psyche that you felt it shake you to your core.
“Leave,” Santos told Dominico.
I didn’t bother waiting to see if he’d completely left the room before I tore my mask off and let my walls down. I hated that anger always manifested itself in tears now, like my body just couldn’t process the overload of emotions and the only way to let it out was to cry. I thought I’d built that shell around my heart, that it kept me protected. But it turned out all I did was emotionally constipate myself for years and now it was flooding out like trauma diarrhea.
“Why are you afraid of getting everything you’ve been fighting for?” Mateo stepped up to me and lifted my chin up, wiping a tear before it dropped.
“I don’t know how to accept success.”
I clenched my fists around the arms of my chair tightly, biting my lips until I could taste the liquid metal in my mouth. I could feel them, their shadows hovering over me and the heat of their protective shield. Ronan’s hand was first on my shoulder, then Mateo’s on the other side. Santos kneeled down in front of me, wrapping my hand inside both of his.
“Morena,” he whispered.
“What if this was a huge mistake?” I whispered the words I feared the most.
“How could it be? This is your destiny,” he said, like he hadn’t wanted to escape this kind of life since I first knew him.
“Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it’s Caro’s. Maybe I’m stealing that chance from her. What if I’m just a fucking fraud?” I covered my face, too ashamed to fall apart in front of the guys I loved so much.
“Is this because of what that idiot said?” Ronan asked, and I nodded my head.
“I just feel like a sham. Like I fooled everyone. Maybe a long time ago this was my destiny, but what if I’m not meant to be here anymore?” I asked, looking up at him, hoping for some answers.
“Then fake it till you make it sunshine.” Mateo squeezed my shoulder as he whispered in my ear from the other side.
“What?” I choked out, surprised at his response and he shrugged his shoulders.
“No one knows what they are doing. And if they tell you they do they’re fucking lying,” Ronan finished Mateo’s thought.
“I’m drowning in doubt,” I confessed, the tears welling at my eyelids.
“Come back up for air, we can’t save you from yourself,” Ronan lamented, a sad tone in his voice. “I wish you could see what we see. You’re a fucking force to be reckoned with. You’ve survived hell and you’ll survive this too.”
“I wish I believed that. I just have this feeling like—”
“Don’t even fucking say it.” He read my mind, knowing exactly what kind of turmoil was crashing through my mind.
Death.
The end.
I was always thinking about it.
She was my gravity.
The center of my universe.
Everything moved because death allowed it so.
This could only end in death.
This could only end in death.
It was the only way out.
