Page 90 of False Start
No—all I want is for her towantto hold me again.
She’s wiping the counters, clearly amped-up from dealing with my shit all day, and it’s running through her now like three cups of coffee.
“Harvey?” I say her name, but it’s quiet. I’m not fully sure myself that Iwanther to hear me.
The emptiness inside of me finally explodes.
I drop to my knees, only to brace myself with my casted hand—a new, searing pain reminding me of the giant crack splitting along the side of the plastic. I’m hyperaware of every single ache and throb in my body, and this one is no joke.
The thing with Bobby is already a fuzzy memory in mymind, but the break in the cast reminds me that it might have saved my life.
That’s when I piece together that it took no time for the same environment I had safely grown up in to turn hostile. The difference? Ryan Lee. His name scratches at my throat now that I know it in its entirety. Ryan Lee Harvey.
Seeing them there, in the room together, I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. They could have been twins, with just a slight difference of hair color and the scruff on his chin to set them apart.
It makes the guilt I’m already drowning in even more unbearable to swim through.
“Cat,” I call to her once more, this time a little louder.
When she finally turns to me, she freezes.
“No.” Her voice is harsh, and it stings.
She’s walking towards me, and I swallow a hard lump, waiting for her on my knees. “There’s no point in doingthis,” she waves her hand over me, “if you’re just going to self-destruct every time things get hard.”
“You lied to me,” I remind her, still staying on my knees.
I wanna scratch, I need to puke, and I can tell I’m three words away from tears falling.
It doesn’t matter.
Ihaveto heal this.
She squats with one knee on the ground as she looks me over, the disappointment on her face is so fucking sobering that if the naloxone hadn’t already done it, she could. She reaches toward my neck, like she’s gonna take the collar off.
I slap her hand out of the way with my cast, wincing at the sharp pain, my teeth clenched when the wordscome out. “You said I’m yours untilIthrow it at your feet.” Her eyebrows raise, and she pulls her hand back with a nod.
“Do you trust me?” she asks, like nothing else matters but that.
“No.” It’s the truth; there’s no point in lying. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to figure this out.”
“Because you have no other option?” She’s defensive, and I deserve it.
I still laugh anyway, as if I’m not the one in control of my mouth. “Ialwayshave an option. That’s the thing about me,babe.” I throw the nickname at her the same way she uses it with me. “I’mresilient.I don’t need you,”I remind her.
Hating that I’m already going to that dark place, but unable to stop myself when I’m there. The jabs, the hurting her so I can ignore what’s hurting me—but I’m also not wrong. I’ve survived everything that has been shoved my way; what was once my biggest fears are now monsters slain at my feet.
“Stop it.” She’s grabbing at my face, holding my cheeks in her hands. “Just let me fucking love you.” Her voice cracks as she pulls me into her chest.
I fall into her, enveloped into her grandness once again, and the overwhelming hot light in my head finally dims, even if it’s just for a little bit. I’m sobbing, but I can feel her shaking too.
“I ruin everything good,” I warn her between hiccups.
“Who said I was anything good?” Her words are muffled, her mouth pressed to my temple, every part of her body touching mine, like she can’t get closer, but wants to try.
I pull away, just enough to look at her face again,before I speak. “I’m not a hyperfixation. Some day, you might just have to accept that you can’t fix me.”
“Fix you?” she asks, a small smile on her face, like she can’t believe what I just said. “You were never broken.”
