Page 33 of The Rake I Wished For
His jaw worked. “I shouldn’t have done it, Jo. I should never have kissed you.”
The air rushed from her lungs as if he’d struck her. He regretted it. She’d suspected as much when he’d refused to make eye contact all day, but hearing him say it still hurt.
She moved toward him, and saw him stiffen. “It doesn’t…” Oh drat, her voice was so high and shaky, she sounded like a ninny. Swallowing hard, she tried again. “It doesn’t have to change anything.”
A muscle in his jaw twitched and then his control seemed to snap. He bit out a curse and thrust a hand through his hair as he looked up to the ceiling, as if praying for patience. “Of course it changes things, Jo. And the fact that you don’t see that is telling of just how naive and sheltered you are.”
Her lips parted. She wanted to lash out. She wished she could call up anger. But his tone wasn’t cold and he wasn’t trying to be mean.
If anything, what she saw in his eyes was…anguish.
He moved to her and cupped her face in the palm of his hands. The pad of his thumb was calloused and rough where it slid over her cheek. And the way he looked at her made her feel like he was taking one last look.
Like he was preparing to say goodbye.
She clutched his wrists as if she could hold him there forever. But his next words made her arms go limp, and her belly sink.
“I cannot be your friend, Jo.”
The tears sprang to her eyes too quickly for her to stop them.
“One day I will,” he said, the anguish in his eyes so apparent it made her own heart hurt in response.
“But…”
“I can’t,” he said in a low, somber voice. “I can’t stand at your side and watch you be courted by another. I…I want the best for you. I want you to be happy, but I can’t bear to watch you marry another and…”
He let out a sharp exhale and dropped his hands to his sides. “We will be friends again, love, I promise. But I need time. Can you understand that?”
But she didn’t have a chance to respond. A moment later, Rose was returning and Harlow stole away with some excuse about needing to attend to his correspondence.
Jocelyn wasn’t sure how long she stood there, staring after Harlow in a state of shock, but Rose’s hand on her arm brought her back to the moment. “Jocelyn, dear, are you all right?”
Jocelyn turned to her sweet, loving sister-in-law and for the first time in years, she let herself cry. She let herself be held. “I think I’ve done what I always swore I’d never do, Rose,” she said in a quavering voice. “I went and fell in love.”
Hearing it aloud made it even more real, and Jocelyn let out a pitiful sob.
Rose took her by the shoulders. “Is that really so awful? I mean…it seems as though Harlow cares for you deeply, and—”
“He does, but not like that,” she said. Her mind replayed what he’d said before he’d left. He wouldn’t be her friend. But…why? Hope flickered before she snuffed it out.
He was leaving her. He wouldn’t even be her friend any longer.
But his voice was still echoing in her mind.I can’t bear to watch you marry another.
She sniffed. “At least, I don’t think he cares for me like that…” Confusion warred with desolation as she wept. “Even if he does, I don’t know…I always thought…”
“What did you think, Jocelyn?” Rose asked, her tone patient and kind.
Not for the first time, Jocelyn stared at Rose and wondered just how his brother had gotten so very lucky. “You’re happy, aren’t you, Rose?”
Rose smiled. “Of course. I never knew I could be so happy, honestly. It was your brother who helped me realize that I could do more than dream about love. That I could have it for myself.”
Jocelyn sniffled and gratefully accepted the handkerchief Rose handed her.
Rose’s tone was achingly gentle. “Is this because you fear he does not feel the same?”
Jocelyn drew in a deep breath. “Partly, yes. Though…I don’t see how he couldn’t.”
