Page 106 of Search My Soul
“I’ll be right back.”
There was no need for me to wait for a response because no one was going to stop me from doing what I wanted to do. They were on the other side of the restaurant, so I knew she probably hadn’t seen me. It looked as if they hadn’t been here long because there weren’t any plates on their table. Smoothly, I stepped over to their table. Juicy was the first person to lift herhead to see who was there. When Darion saw me, a smile spread across his face, but I didn’t share the same sentiments.
“What’s up, Soul? I haven’t seen you in a little while. How’ve you been?” DJ reached his hand out for me to shake, but I ignored it.
“Can I talk to you for a moment?” I focused my attention on Juicy, and she nodded before getting up from her seat.
“I’ll be right back,” she informed him with a small smile. I followed her outside because I had a feeling things would get loud. As angry as I was, I can admit I enjoyed the view as her booty bounced inside the dress she wore. Then my attitude came back as I wondered why she chose to wear this outfit for his lame ass.
“Before you start in on me, Darion and I didn’t start dating until a month ago. He was there for me when—” Her words trailed off as her hand stroked the pendant. It was just as difficult for me to talk about, so I understood what she meant.
“When did the two of you get so close? I don’t recall you mentioning him when we were together,” I probed, trying to see if the timelines matched up.
“We weren’t really friends while you and I were dating. We fell out when we were kids, but now that he’s been traded and he’s closer to home, we’ve made amends.”
“Oh, so you made up with your ex right after we broke up?”
“First of all, it wasn’t like that. We dated when we were kids, so I would hardly count him as an ex. Secondly, you and I didn’t break up. You tried to kill me and then completely cut me off! Let’s not stand here and pretend that I’ve done anything wrong. I needed a friend when I was going through a rough time, and he happened to be that friend. We recently decided to give things a try, so that’s what we’re doing. I honestly don’t owe you an explanation. We are no longer in a relationship, and I can do what I want.” Her hand was on her hip as she checked me. Theanger in her voice was present, but this was supposed to be about her, not me.
“I didn’t cut you off because I wanted to, Juicy. What else was I supposed to do? I fucked up, and there wasn’t much I could have done to fix it. Then our son died, and I knew there was no point in trying to make things work because my head was fucked up, and you didn’t deserve to babysit me while I spiraled out of control.” This wasn’t at all how I saw this conversation going, and I found myself growing more guilty by the second.
“You are a selfish coward, Soul! You messed up royally, and instead of trying to make things right, you ran. What kind of man does that? Our baby died, and I needed you. Instead, all I got was silence and a few gifts. You never came by to check on me to see if I was okay. You promised to always be there for me, but you lied! You abandoned me when I needed you the most.” The crack in her voice crushed me, and the tears that followed were like a dagger to the heart. I had fucked up even worse than I originally believed.
“I was avenging Zion’s death. I still made sure you were straight, but I couldn’t be there physically. Seeing you broken down like that would have only fueled the anger that was already inside of me, and that wouldn’t have been good for anyone.”
“So, just fuck me and what I needed, huh? I held you down no matter what, and when I was in my darkest place, you turned your back on me. I care about Darion a lot, but he wasn’t the person who was supposed to be helping me through my grief. It should have been you.” She wiped the tears from her face, making me feel even worse than I already did.
“It’s never fuck your feelings. I was out for blood, and I would have only ended up hurting you with my actions.”
“You’re really good at making excuses, but it doesn’t change the facts. I thought you were someone I could count on. You swore you loved me, but that couldn’t have been true becausewhen I was broken, you were nowhere to be found. You don’t do that to someone you love. I never thought in a million years you would hurt me like this and what makes matters worse is that I still love you.”
“An apology wouldn’t be enough to make up for what I did. I was so stuck in my head about everything going on around me, the last thing I could focus on was?—”
“Me. Is that what you were going to say? You claimed you loved me so much, but the moment shit got sticky, you forgot all about me. You never even bothered to check on me directly. Instead, you took the coward’s way out by going through my friends. Even then, you never made an effort to make things right with me. You threw money and gifts at the situation as if they were supposed to make things better, but it didn’t. Your actions crushed me and shattered my heart, so no, you don’t get to dictate what I do or who I do it with. There would have never been room for another man to be close to me if you hadn’t destroyed everything we built.” Her face was covered with tears, making me feel like the shittiest human on the planet.
She wasn’t lying when she said that I completely avoided her after the incident in the basement. It wasn’t until Puma told me that she wanted to do a gender reveal that I snapped back into reality. Then, when we lost our son, I shut down all over again. Everything Juicy said was the truth. Money had always been able to get me out of any jam, but unfortunately, this situation was far more complex than my money could solve.
“I did love you, and I can admit I didn’t handle either of those situations right. I fucked up, and I chose the coward's way out. I’m sorry, Juicy. You had my head gone, and I’ve never been in love like that before. It made me crazy to think you were playing me the whole time. I guess a part of me never thought I was good enough to have someone like you, so when the shit hit the fan, I assumed the worst.
“I’ve never had anything worth losing, and I self-sabotaged it by allowing my demons to take the lead. I could make a lot of excuses for why I did what I did, but I want to make things right. Tell me what I can do to fix this.”
“I want us to move past things because I miss having you in my life. The problem is that you don’t know how to respect boundaries. It’s all or nothing for you, and that no longer works for me. I would offer for us to be friends, but I know you won’t respect my relationship.”
“What do you?—”
“Listen, this is not the time or the place for this kind of conversation, and I’m being incredibly rude to my man. If you want to talk to me, then you know how to get in contact with me. However, please understand that I don’t belong to you anymore, and you don’t get to dictate how I live my life. If you want to be a part of it, then you’re going to have to do things my way.” Juicy walked away before I could say anything else and I stood there stunned.
Honestly, she had every right to be upset, and her points were valid. I was all over the place right now, so even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be what she needed.
I hated the idea of her moving on with another man, but it would be selfish of me to try and stop her from being happy when I’m the one who messed things up. My nana used to say that if you loved something, you let it go, and if it's meant to be, it will find you again. Juicy deserved a man who would love her wholeheartedly and never make her cry. I thought I was the one who would do those things, but I hadn’t lived up to the man I told her I would be. I couldn’t imagine there was a man out there better for her than me, but if that were the case, then I needed to get my shit together to become that man for her.
Juicy knew me better than to ever think I would sit back and watch another man love her. I would let her make it for now, butwhen the time came, I was coming back for what was mine. I was a selfish ass nigga, and she was well aware of that. When I turned to head back inside, I noticed DJ’s Lambo in the parking lot. I called in a favor from one of my employees and sent them some money for their trouble. Juicy would probably be upset with me, but I was okay with that. I needed her to know this wasn’t over.
“What the hell are you smiling about? I know that look in your eyes, so tell us what happened.” Duke pressed.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I shrugged, then flagged the waitress over for another drink.
“What did she say? She came back before you, but I couldn’t see the expression on her face. She and ol’ boy seem like they are into each other. What’s up with that?” he inquired. I couldn’t even bring myself to look back over there. Even though I was in the wrong, the idea of him touching her made me want to kill him. DJ and I have been cool for years, but I wouldn’t necessarily consider us friends. I was closer to some of his cousins, so we hung out by default.
