Page 122 of Search My Soul
“Can somebody grab my machete?”
I noticed someone walking out so I continued what I was doing. Stepping in front of the man, I realized he couldn’t have been more than twenty-one. It was a shame his life would be ending so soon, but there were consequences for every action. I squatted down to his level and stared into his eyes. His tears ignited the anger inside of me. The nerve of him to be crying after he killed someone I loved.
“Fuck is you crying for, little bitch? Huh?” I spoke through gritted teeth.
“I-I’m s-so?—”
“You what? I know damn well you aren’t gonna tell me you’re sorry. You didn’t step on my shoes or bump into me at a club. Naw. You took a part of my heart from me. You gotta know that your words mean nothing. Dead men can’t apologize. I wanted to snatch up your mom, but we found her in a back alley sucking dick for a crack rock, so I let it go. It’s not like she’ll miss you.” I smiled as his sobs grew louder.
“I would usually go after someone you care about, but it turns out nobody loves you. Your daddy ain’t want you. Your momma would rather fuck for her next fix, and your granny said she washed her hands of you when you stole her money. Is that why you killed my brother? He took away the only person who thought you were worth something? Huh? Answer me, bitch!” I punched him in the face, and I could hear the bones crack under my fist.
“I’m so?—”
“Fuck your sorry! Yo, where is my shit? I’m tired of seeing him breathe.” Mace passed the machete to me, and I wasted no time getting to work. He screamed and hollered for the first few seconds, and as I chopped his body up, blood poured out from everywhere. I lost myself for a moment and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t care about him being dead, it wasn’t enough for me. My face and body were covered in blood, but I refused to stop. All I could hear was Mama Lynnette’s screams in the back of my mind. We were so close. I promised my homie I would look out for his family, and I fucked up. Blood mixed with my tears as I moved on to the other three men. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but my arms started to burn. I never stopped though. Even though I heard them calling my name, I couldn’t stop. Huncho and Ammo locked me in a bear hug and tossed the machete on the ground. I fought them off until my body gave out on me.
They carried me to one of the showers and waited outside the door. My time in the shower was a blur as I watched blood flow into the drain. I’ve been around dead bodies most of my life, but this was different. My chest ached, and I wanted to break everything in sight.
After I finished cleaning up, I got dressed and staggered out of the warehouse. Huncho forced me into his G-Wagon, and Ammo followed behind him. I didn’t bother to turn my phone on because I already knew the notifications would be endless. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. I planned to hit up the funeral home in a few hours, but after that, I was going off the grid until the service. I didn’t want to be around people, and my mind wasn’t stable enough to try. I didn’t know what kind of lessons I was supposed to learn from the losses I had taken lately, but I was beginning to believe this was my karma.
“How is he?”
“We don’t know. Pure keeps telling us not to panic, but I can’t help it. He’s never been gone this long, Nee-nee. I was shocked he even made it to the funeral, but I could see it all over his face that he wasn’t okay. This breaks my heart so bad. My brother has taken so many hits in the last year, and I feel so helpless.” Patience’s voice cracked, and it crushed my spirit.
When Murk told us what happened to Pooh, I immediately reached out to check on him. My message was left on read, but I took solace in the fact that he saw it. Death was such a sensitive topic, and we often ended up saying the wrong things. I prayed he could feel our love wherever he was.
“I’m so sorry, sis. I know this can’t be easy for any of you. Has Duke or any of his workers heard from him?”
“No. Duke keeps trying to calm me down because he doesn’t want me to worry, but I can’t help it. I heard him cry last night when he thought I was asleep. They loved Pooh like a little brother, and it’s hard to process that he’s gone. Duke and Pure have Soul’s location, so they are telling us to give him space. I don’t like this at all. There’s this nagging feeling in my gut that something isn’t right. He took the dogs with him, and it makes me think he isn’t coming back for a while.”
“It’s crazy you mentioned your gut, because I’ve been restless for days. I’ve been having dreams about Zion. They aren’t the normal dreams though. In the dream, he’s a little boy, and he’s trying to lead me somewhere. He’s running so fast I can barely keep up, and then I wake up in tears. I have no idea what it’s about, but I haven’t gotten more than four hours of sleep each night.” I hadn’t told anyone about my dreams, because I didn’t want them to think I was losing my mind, even though some days it felt like I would.
“Now, you’re scaring me. What if it’s connected to Soul? What if he’s trying to tell us that he needs us? Lord, I’m gonna stress myself into a stroke at the rate I’m going. Duke said that if he doesn’t reach out by next week, they will go after him. I can barely function right now. How do they expect us to last another week?” Patience fussed.
“Can you send me Pure’s number?” Patience grew silent as if she was processing my request.
“Umm, let me ask if it’s okay. He doesn’t like for us to give his number out, but if he says it’s okay, I’ll send him yours.” I giggled because it made sense. Pure seemed like such a complex man, so it was on brand for him to want to be unreachable to the masses.
“Okay, that works for me. Can you let him know it’s an emergency?”
“What are you up to?”
“We both want answers, and I think I know how we can get them,” I explained. I had an idea of where he was, but I wanted to confirm with Pure.
“Say less. I’m all for answers. I’ve been trying to call him from Romi’s iPad in hopes that he would make an exception for her.”
“I understand. Soul thinks he has to handle his pain alone, and that isn’t the case. He has a huge support system, and if he won’t let us in, then we’ve got to make him. I’m also worried about his mental health because I can tell he hasn’t been consistent with his meds. I’m sure this loss has made things worse, and if he doesn’t get things under control, who knows how detrimental things could be.”
After Soul revealed his bipolar diagnosis to me, I spent weeks researching signs and triggers. I could tell when he was on the brink of a mania episode or when he was going into a depression. He would try to mask it in front of others, but I studied him enough to see what wasn’t obvious to everyone else.
I noticed something was off with him the night at the club and again at my party, but I didn’t want to be intrusive. However, the loss of Pooh was bound to send him spiraling, and he didn’t need to be alone.
“Pure texted me back. He said he’s handling business right now, but he’ll call you as soon as he’s free.”
“Okay, thank you. I’ll keep you updated when I find out more information. I love you, sis.”
“I love you more. Thank you for loving my brother. I know he can be a lot to handle, but I still feel like you were the perfect balance for him. Even though the two of you might not be together romantically, he’s blessed to have a friend like you inhis corner. Please call me as soon as you have an update. I won’t be able to get any sleep until I hear from you.”
“I promise I will. He’s going to be fine.” I needed to convince myself more than anything. However, the nagging feeling in my gut increased my anxiety. I prayed we weren’t too late.
