Page 134 of Search My Soul
“Of course. You’ve been ducking and dodging me for months so I figured I would pull up on you. Isn’t that what the young folks are saying these days?” I wasn’t in the mood, but she elicited a chuckle from me.
“Yeah, AP, that’s what they’re saying. So what’s the damage?” I inquired, trying to get a better understanding of how this shit was going to go. There was no point in arguing with them because legally she was obligated to report this incident.
“Sixteen weeks.”
“Hell naw. I can do eight.”
“Twelve, and I’ll be your counselor the entire time.” I bit the inside of my jaw, trying to get my mind prepared for this bullshit.
“This doesn’t feel like a fair bargain to me.”
“You can go ahead and hand your phone over. We’ll make sure everything is taken care of once you’re settled into the facility. The staff has signed an NDA, although they’re legally bound not to discuss their patients. I wanted to make sure there were no loose ends. I’ll be waiting in the car for you.” AP turned and headed out of the room, leaving the three of us.
“I’m gonna get the boys packed up so we can go home,” Juicy stated as she headed toward the door. I grabbed her arm to stop her. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized I would be leaving my boys. I didn’t have them the last time this happened. My resolve faltered when I realized I would have to leave them behind as well. This would be the longest I’ve ever been away from them, and it made me nervous.
“Take care of my boys.”
“Our boys. You have nothing to worry about. We’ll be waiting for you when you come home.”
“We?” My eyebrows furrowed when I heard her words. I wasn’t trying to get my hopes up, so I asked for clarity.
“Yes, we. As long as you keep your word to me, then I’ll keep mine to you. I love you, Soul.” Stepping on her tiptoes, Juicy placed a kiss on my cheek. I expected to see anger or disappointment on her face, but instead, all I saw was love in her eyes. The room instantly fell silent as she turned and left the room.
“She loves you.” Pure broke the silence in the room.
“You told me that already.”
“Yeah, well, I’m gonna keep telling you until it sinks in. She told me about the pills she flushed. I was worried about how you would react, so Duke and I got things in order so we could come get you.” I dragged my hand down across my beard, anticipating the bullshit that was about to come out of his mouth.
“Go right ahead. I know you’re gonna judge me or say some shit about me being reckless.”
“Naw, not at all. You must have forgotten that I’ve been in your shoes. When I lost my girl and my daughter, that shit broke me. I didn’t want to be here without them, and if it weren’t for the fact that y’all needed me, I wouldn’t be here. I sat on the cold bathroom floor with a bottle of pills in one hand and my pistol in my lap. Then A.D. called me crying because some girls were picking on her at school. Patience called because that nigga was cheating on her again, and I realized I couldn’t leave them without a protector. At the time, you were barely coming around the family, so I couldn’t trust you to do right by them.”
Guilt hit me when I realized how triggering this must have been for him. Apryl was his high school sweetheart who passed away in a tragic car accident on their way home from prom night. She was pregnant with their little girl when their car was struck in a head-on collision. Pure survived, but Apryl later died from her injuries. It was the first time I witnessed him break down, and even then, he tried to be strong for everyone else.
“I keep fucking shit up.”
“Your feelings are valid, but your actions are not. You have a woman who loves you and a family who would be lost without you. As much as I hate to admit it, this family doesn’t function properly without you. You might get on my fucking nerves 95 percent of the time, but there is no one else I would trust to run this organization with.” The frown on his face made me laugh because it was clear this was outside of his comfort zone.
“Damn, you over there acting like it’s gonna kill you to say you love me,” I jested, understanding where he was coming from.
“That should never be in question. I might not always vocalize it, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I would die for every single one of y’all without hesitation. I know you don’t want to do this but think about what will be waiting for you when you come out. You already know the business is straight, and we’re gonna take care of that stubborn ass woman of yours and those big ass creatures you call dogs. Use this time to heal whatever needs to be repaired. We’ll be right there ready to greet you when it’s all over.” Pure patted my shoulders, then left the room.
This wasn’t at all how I saw things playing out, but for once, I didn’t want to fight it. Like Pure said, I had people to live for, and they needed me to be whole, or at least the closest version of it I could be. I glanced around the room one last time, praying that whatever waited for me on the other side of this was worth all of the pain. Only time would tell.
“This little boyisn’t even here yet, and you’ve already bought him enough clothing to last him for the next five years. Don’t you think you’re going a little overboard?” Juicy questioned, but I paid her no mind as I set the rest of the bags in the nursery.
“Girl, you are wasting your breath. I’ve been telling him to stop for weeks, but he stares at me like I have two heads.” Jayla huffed as she waddled into the room. My hands gravitated toward her belly, observing how much it had grown in the last few months. It seemed like it had doubled in size before my very eyes, but I couldn’t help the smile on my face.
“Both of y’all sound like some haters right now. I’ve bought plenty of clothes for the two of you and I don’t hear any complaints, but y’all want to hate on my godson?”
“Oh, brother. You are absolutely ridiculous. This little boy is going to be a spoiled brat, and I’m sending his ass right to your house,” she sassed.
“You’ll be lucky if he spends any time over here when he gets older. I’ve already started planning all of the trips we’re going on. I want to take him to some football and basketball games, and then we’re gonna be hitting up all of the amusement parks in the summertime.” I rambled on and on about all of the things I planned to do with baby Nate. Jayla reached out to me a week after I came home from rehab. When we met up, I immediately noticed her protruding belly.
When she confirmed that it was Pooh’s baby, I had a mixture of different feelings. On one hand, I was excited to have a piece of him on Earth, but the other part of me was sad that he would never get to experience fatherhood. Through counseling, I had been able to dissect my grief and find a healthy way to manage it.
There was no magical cure for grief and there damn sure wasn’t a time limit on it, but I was learning not to let it consume me. Baby Nate was a reminder that I had so many things to live for, and it was important for me to keep myself and my mental health under control so that I could be there for him.
