Page 92 of Search My Soul
“Why did you do it? I would have been hurt either way, but she was my family.”
“I was an idiot. When I came to the house looking for you, Kamesha answered the door. I asked her where you were, and she said she couldn’t tell me because she didn’t want to get you in trouble. It didn’t make sense to me, but then she let it slip that you were with somebody else. I didn’t believe her at first, but then she said you had been lying about your dance classes so you could sneak around. It was a punch to the gut because I was in love with you and I thought the feelings were mutual. In hindsight, I should have waited until you came home so we could talk about it, but instead, I allowed her to play with my head. I can’t put all of the blame on her because I could have made better decisions. I’m truly sorry for hurting you and ruining our relationship. If I could take it all back, I would.”
Looking back on things, I guess I should have done more digging myself, but you live, and you learn.
“So, what’s the deal with your baby daddy?” The question caused me to pause, but I wasn’t surprised by it. When Soul saw us at the restaurant, I worried that he would explode, but instead he left. I won’t pretend like my feelings weren’t hurt that he walked out without making a scene because the Soul I’d grown used to always turned up behind me, but instead it seemed as if he was no longer interested. At least not in the romantic sense. I still wasn’t sure how to swallow that pill.
“What about him?” I looked up at Darion’s handsome face. He still looked the same as he did when we were young except his goatee had grown in.
“You don’t talk about him much, but it’s clear that he’s around in some capacity.”
“Outside of my doctor’s appointments and occasional check-ins, we don’t run into each other very often. I explained.
My heart was filled with so much conflict concerning my relationship with Soul. The fact that we were having a baby together but weren’t together was a tough reality. I often found myself questioning the situation and trying to see things from his perspective. However, it still didn’t erase the pain I felt in my heart when he tried to kill me. As painful as it was, I didn’t think there was any coming back from that. Hell, I’m sure he felt the exact same way. It was one of those things I wasn’t sure we would ever get closure on.
“Do you still love him?” Darion’s question was simple, but it brought so many emotions up. I’ve never experienced love the way I had with Soul and there was a part of me who believed I never would again.
“It’s complicated. I do love him, but we won’t ever be together.” Darion knew nothing about my past because I refused to tell him. One of the reasons was because I didn’t think he would understand, and also, I didn’t want Soul to be painted in a negative light. Regardless of what happened between us, he wasn’t a monster.
“Understood. Do you think you’ll be interested in dating after the baby comes?”
“To be honest, I haven’t given it much thought. Right now, my only focus is my little boy. He’s my priority at the moment. I’m not opposed to the idea of dating, but it would have to be someone with patience and understanding. I know what it’s like to have a male centered mother and I would never put my child through that. My son comes first and everything else in my life has to come second.” Darion nodded his head, and I could tell he had some things on his mind.
“What’s that look about?” I probed, noticing the shift in his energy. His eyes were soft when he turned toward me, and it kind of made me nervous.
“I haven’t been honest with you.” I squinted my eyes at his revelation.
“Okay, and what does that mean exactly?” My heart rate began to speed up as I waited for him to say what was on his mind.
“I’m really feeling you. I know we had our conflict in the past, but the moment I saw you at the beach, I couldn’t stop staring. You’ve also been a beautiful person, but it’s so much deeper than that now. When I see you, I see strength. I see a person who has overcome and grown into an incredible woman. I want to get to know the person you are now.” Butterflies rumbled in my belly and my hands grew sweaty.
“Wow, I don’t even know what to say. I’m glad we were able to move past things from the past. I missed our friendship more than anything. Right now, I’m in this awkward stage in life and I don’t think a relationship is what’s best for me. I still want to hang out and get to know this version of you, but I can’t offer you anything more than friendship. I’m still healing from a lot of things, and if I try to give you my heart, someone will end up hurt.”
I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, but I knew that I would if I didn’t take this time to heal. My heart still belonged to the man who broke it, and I didn’t want anyone to get hurt in the process of me moving on.
“I can respect it. I still want to spend time with you. Like you said, baby boy is the main focus in your life as he should be. However, I want you to know that I’m here. If all you have room for is a friend, then that’s what I’ll be. It doesn’t mean I’m giving up hope though. We have history, and I believe we could be what each other needs. Plus, I happen to think I would make an excellent step daddy.” I smirked at the last part of his statement. Not many men would even want to take on sucha huge responsibility, but I appreciated the fact that my baby wasn’t a deterrent for him.
“Sir, please. What do you know about being a step daddy?”
“Nothing, but I could figure it out. I know one thing; little man will know how to shoot a lay-up by the time he turns two.” Darion lifted his hands up and gestured as if he was shooting a basketball.
“You are a nutcase. Do you know that?” I laughed so hard my belly moved. This was one of the things I loved about him. Darion was funny without even trying.
“I’m dead serious. My pops had me on the court before I could walk. My first word wasn’t mom or dad, it was ball. By the time I got to kindergarten, I was unstoppable. I always told myself if I had children, I would pass my love for basketball onto them.” His declaration warmed my heart. Even though the future was unsure, it was nice to imagine a peaceful life for myself and my child.
We talked for a while longer until it was time for him to leave. We hugged goodbye and I almost wanted to ask him to stay. However, I stopped myself because the last thing I needed to do was complicate things. I’d messed up enough around me, and it was time for me to sit down and get my shit together.
I tooka deep breath before walking into this house because this conversation wasn’t gonna go well. My family seemed to have forgotten who I was, and it was time for me to remind them. Pure sent another text asking where I was, but I didn’t bother to respond since I was already outside.
As soon as I stepped into the house, I could smell the food permeating through the air. Nana must have known things weren’t going to go well because I noticed my favorite pound cake sitting on the kitchen counter.
“Oh, look what the wind blew in. Hi, my baby.” Nana brought my head down to her level and rained kisses all over my face.
“Hey, beautiful. How are you doing?”
“I’m better now that you’re here. Your grandfather has been driving me up a wall. You need to talk some sense into that man because he thinks he is still a young man. I keep trying to tell him that we are old farts and there’s nothing wrong with that,” she fussed. You would have never known he had a heart attack because his ass didn’t know how to shut down.
“Speak for yourself, sweet stuff. They say you’re only as old as you feel, and I feel like I’m forty years old with the deep strokes to match.” He kissed her on the cheek while I stood there ready to throw up.
