Page 11 of Search My Soul
“No, no. I already know how you get, and I don’t need that. I promise, it isn’t that big of a deal. Things will eventually blow over, so you don’t have to worry about me.” Ry never liked foranyone to make a fuss over her, but as her big sister, it was my job to look after her.
“I’m not tryna hear all of that. If someone is bothering you, then we are going to address it. Kids nowadays don’t know how to end a friendship and move on. If she had an issue, she should have come to you about it. And if this is the kind of advice your guidance counselor is giving, then she needs a new profession. I don’t care for the way she handled the situation, so I’m going to go up there and have a word with her.”
“Thank you, Sissy. All I want is for them to leave me alone. I’ve never been in any drama, and I don’t want to start now, you know? I want to enjoy these last two years of high school, and I refuse to fight over any boy.”
“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Unfortunately, it’s how things are when you’re dealing with teenagers. One minute, you’re best friends, and the next, you’re beefing over a boy. Truthfully, it has nothing to do with the boys at all. Girls will hate you because you’re beautiful, and it makes them insecure about themselves. Especially in our case, because we have a little extra meat on us.
“Some people dislike the notion that a man may be attracted to a woman who is thicker. They want us to have the low self-esteem that they do, and when we don’t, then they try to humble us. I can’t explain why it is the way it is, but I’ve lived through it all my life.
“I’ve had friends and even my own cousin try to get with my boyfriends or talk down on me to my crush because they were jealous. It’s weird, but you’ve got to know that you are beautiful and as deserving of love as anyone else. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel less than or make you doubt yourself.” My thoughts drifted to my teenage years, and I wished someone had told me the same thing. Instead, the people in my life made me feel as if I should have been ashamed because of my body.
“I still don’t know how you can still be cool with Kamesha. If Ariel or Amara ever did me dirty, I would whup their ass every time we were at a family function.”
“Language, Ry. Don’t play with me,” I warned.
“My bad. What I’m trying to say is that I wouldn’t want anything to do with her. She is the kind of family member you keep away from your man because she can’t stand to see you have something that she doesn’t.”
“Family is family. It doesn’t make her actions right, but I’ve healed from it. She just is who she is.”
“Well, she’d better be glad you’re so forgiving because she would need plastic surgery after I finished with her. Once a hoe, always a hoe.”
“Ry,” I groaned.
“What? I’ve witnessed you beat plenty of bitches up for less. I don’t believe family should get a pass when it comes to disrespect. She might be Mom’s golden child, but she’s a grimy bitch and everyone knows it.”
“I’m going to wash your mouth out with soap, girl.”
“I’m just speaking facts. I can’t help it that I like to season my words.” I rolled my eyes as she smirked.
Her points were valid, but Kamesha and I had worked through our issues. I mean, I wasn’t left with much of a choice since she basically grew up in our household. When her parents went to prison, she came to live with us for five years. It was obvious who my mother favored because of the way she treated us.
Kamesha could set the house on fire, and my mother would still find a way to blame me. Whenever we argued, she took her side without even hearing mine. There were a few times we fought over boys, mainly because she claimed every boy who came around us. So if they showed any interest in me, she would purposely go after them. I didn’t pay it much mind in thebeginning. It wasn’t until I got my first boyfriend. I thought we would be together forever, but after eight months, it all came to an end. I came home late from school because I had dance practice, and I walked home after it was over. My mom had gone somewhere with her friends, so she let us know that morning she wouldn’t be home until later.
I was excited because it would give me time to spend with my boyfriend. We hadn’t been intimate yet, but I was considering it. He hadn’t been pressuring me about it, but most of the kids in our grade were doing it. I thought I was in love with him, and I didn’t want to risk losing him. In hindsight, I was glad things turned out the way they did because I would have regretted it in the end. When I walked into the house, I heard moans coming from Kamesha’s room. It wasn’t out of the norm for her because she was always entertaining someone. What I hadn’t expected was for the person on the other end to be the boy I was in love with.
When I saw him coming out of her room, it felt as if someone had plunged a knife into my heart and twisted it. He stood there like a deer caught in headlights while Kamesha wore a smirk on her face. Needless to say, I beat both of their asses until I had no more energy to fight. When Rochelle came home and saw all of the bruises on Kamesha’s face, she returned the favor by beating me with a cord until my body was covered in welts and bruises.
When I explained to her why we were fighting, she told me I was stupid to believe a popular boy like him would ever be interested in someone as big as me. My spirit was crushed, but no one seemed to care about my feelings. My mother forced me to apologize to Kamesha and basically said that I needed to get used to men choosing her over me because she was prettier and skinnier than I was. My mother constantly placed her on a pedestal while she treated me like a servant.
My best friends couldn’t stand her, and even some of my other cousins expressed their disdain for her after she slept with a few of their men. Kamesha believed every man wanted her and used her body to drive the point home. I’d learned to tolerate her over the years because we were family, but everyone called me a fool. A part of me held sympathy for her because of her childhood trauma. We were both victims of sexual abuse, so I often chalked her promiscuous behavior up to it being a trauma response.
“How have things been at home since Dad’s been back?”
“He only comes around when Mom gets paid. They run through the money together, and then he’s gone again. I don’t understand why she lets him take advantage of her, but I don’t feel bad. As soon as he leaves, another one of her men comes walking through the door,” Riya grumbled.
“They don’t bother y’all, do they?” Naturally, I worried about them because my mother never cared about protecting her children. She would turn a blind eye to any and everything as long as there was something in it for her.
“No, they don’t. We hardly see them, but we definitelyhearthem.” Her revelation enraged me because no child should be subjected to that. My mother was a horrible role model, but the moment someone called her out, she was ready to go to war. It disgusted me to know not much had changed since I lived there.
Once we arrived at the mall, I let them pick out a variety of outfits and a few pairs of shoes. Most of my money went toward paying bills and making sure they were taken care of. When I checked on them a few weeks ago, I noticed that West’s pants were too short. When I questioned Rochelle about it, she told me to buy some if I was so concerned. Her trifling ass didn’t need to tell me twice because I would do anything for them.
We decided to eat at the food court, and West was on his second cheesesteak. I wouldn’t have been concerned had it notbeen for the fact that he was barely taking the time to chew his food.
“Slow down before you choke. The food isn’t going anywhere.” A mixture of embarrassment and sadness flashed across his face. When I glanced over to Riya, she wore a similar expression.
“What is it? I know you’re keeping something from me. You might as well go ahead and tell me what’s going on.” I crossed my arms, waiting for one of them to spill the beans.
“Hello? Don’t everyone speak at once.” West and Riya looked at each other before their eyes landed on me.
