Page 117 of Search My Soul
“Fuck Murk. I need a break from him too.” She huffed.
“Oh, please. You wouldn’t last the weekend without that man. Did you forget the way you acted the last time he had to go on a business trip? We didn’t get any peace until that man landed back in the city. You can front for whoever you want to, but I’m not buying it.” Normandee and I both had to take turns spending the night with Puma while Murk was gone. She could barely function without that man, so I knew good and well she wouldn’t last more than a couple of days without him.
“Whatever. I don’t think I was that bad. All I know is that me and my coochie need a break. I love my man, but I swear he is trying to give me a homemade hysterectomy. I have never had this much sex in my life, and while I am enjoying it, it’s becoming too much. At first, I was excited that he wasn’t gonna be in the streets as much but now I need him to find a hobby because every time he sees me, he thinks it’s time to fuck. I had to make an extra appointment with my OB/GYN to make sure that this birth control was 99 percent effective. I love my little baby to death, but I am not ready for another one, and with the way that her father is going that’s exactly what’s gonna happen.” I laughed from seeing the concerned expression on her face.
“Is it really that bad?” I snickered watching her facial expressions change.
“Bad isn’t the word. We had sex twice before I left the house today and it was only noon. He wanted me to come home after your party, but I told him that we were having a sleepover. My poor walls can’t take anymore.”
“I should not be laughing, but this is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time. Why don’t you just tell him that you don’t want to do it as much?”
“I tried, and you would’ve thought I told him that I killed his puppy. The man was walking around sad for days and refused to touch me at all. Besides, I get a guaranteed orgasm from him every time so there’s no complaints on that end. I just need him to find a secondary hobby. If I can get him out of the house for a couple of hours out of the day, then we’ll be just fine.”
“Look at you already sounding like an old married couple. I can’t wait until I have those kinds of problems,” I joked. Truthfully, marriage was the furthest thing from my mind. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to try for another baby either. Those were two very serious commitments, and I just didn’t think I was ready for either of them. At least not right now.
“What’s going on with you and DJ? I saw him posting pictures of you on his page. I cussed out a few bitches on his post for trying to talk about my friend. Meanwhile, they were all looking like Shrek and Fiona in the face.” I snorted from laughing at her ridiculous self. Puma had this way of making you laugh when she was being serious.
“I don’t even bother to look on his page. The last time I did, there was nothing but thirsty bitches in the comments begging for him to pay them attention. They didn’t care who he was with or whether he was married or not. That’s one thing I don’t think I’ll ever get used to,” I admitted. I wasn’t a fan of being in the spotlight because people watched you under a fine tooth comb.
Any time Darion and I went to a major event, I would end up on someone’s tea page with a random caption that didn’t fit the situation at all. Darion remained levelheaded no matter what was posted while I would stay up for hours combing through the comments. I hated being judged by people who didn’t even know me, but I guess that was what came with dating a public figure.Everyone wanted to know everything about you and whatever they couldn’t find out they would make up. According to several blogs, I had been with rappers and athletes for years, and I was a gold-digging opportunist. None of those things were true, but they didn’t seem to care about the truth.
“Do you see yourself taking things to the next level with him? I saw he did an interview, and he mentioned that he was ready to settle down and get married. Are you ready for that?”
“Hell no. I’m enjoying my time with him, but I don’t want to get married right now. We’ve had general conversations about it, and I’ve made it clear that I wasn’t ready for marriage. However, I don’t think that he understands how serious I am. My biggest fear is that he’ll try to propose to me in a public setting and I’ll be forced to either say yes to spare his feelings or I’ll say no and embarrass him. I don’t want either of those things to happen.” Darion took me to another one of his family events and his mother kept calling me her daughter-in-law. Don’t get me wrong, I love her like a mother figure, but I didn’t like her calling me that prematurely. Darion and I were still fairly new, so there was no reason to rush into things.
“It sounds to me like you’re having second thoughts.” Puma peered over at me with her eyebrow raised.
“I’m not having second thoughts. I really like him, and we have a lot of fun in our relationship.”
“But…”
“I wouldn’t necessarily say there’s a but. I just wanna take things slow. In the beginning, he agreed that was the best route for us, but somewhere along the way, the lines got blurred. I never even wanted him to post me. In fact, I asked him not to out of respect for my privacy. Then our pictures got leaked at a party and he decided to just go ahead and make things public. I care about him a lot, but I’m not gonna let anyone pressure me into making a big decision like marriage or anything else.”
“Can I ask you a question?” I gulped. Anytime someone ever asked that question, it was always followed by a tough question.
“Yeah, of course.”
“Is it that you don’t want to get married at all, or is it that you don’t want to marry Darion?” I shifted in my seat, processing her question.
“What do you mean by that?”
“I’m your best friend. Even if you don’t say anything, I still see everything. You were with Soul for the same amount of time that you’ve been with Darion, but your reactions are so different. You haven’t told this man you love him and now you’re telling me that if he were to propose you would say no. I guess I just wonder if things would’ve been different if it was someone else.” I bit the inside of my cheek as she gave me a knowing look. I hated the fact that she could see right through me, but what I hated more was that she was right.
“Those two relationships are like night and day. With Soul, I dove headfirst without a parachute into our relationship. I was ready for the marriage, the babies, and the white picket fence. Then everything came crashing down around me, and all of my dreams were stripped away. I don’t wanna do that again. Darion is a great guy, but I can’t sit here and tell you that he’s my person because I don’t know. Maybe with time things will become clearer but right now I just don’t see it for us.”
“So what you’re saying is that you were biding your time with him until your real husband comes back and gets you.” My mouth fell open in shock because I hadn’t expected her to call me out like that.
“No. I genuinely feel like what Darion and I have is good, and it could potentially be great one day. I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t care about him.”
“But Soul still has your heart and always will.” I took a deep breath, ready to change the subject.
“Puma, please.” Today was my birthday, and the last thing I wanted to do was think about that man. He hadn’t sent me so much as a birthday text and it bothered me more than I cared to admit. His sisters were coming to my party, so I knew for a fact that he was aware of what day it was. Still, he hadn’t made an effort to reach out to me.
“I’m gonna take your silence to mean that I’m right.”
“You are so messy. I never said that. Soul and I will always be connected to each other in some kind of way, and I’m not going to pretend that I don’t love him. However, I’m not in love with him, and I am also in a relationship with someone else.”
“Yeah, okay, pooh. I’m going to allow you to remain on the delulu island for a little while longer, but eventually, you’re going to have to come back down to Earth. Everyone around you knows the truth and we’re just waiting for the two of you to figure it out on your own.” My friends and family were very respectful of my relationship with Darion. They included him in events and celebrations. However, I was fully aware that most of them were rooting for someone other than him. They would never say it to his face, and for that I was grateful. The last thing I wanted was for Darion to become insecure in our relationship.
