Page 126 of Search My Soul
I acknowledged his advice as I sat there on the couch. Never in a million years did I see my life going this way. A part of me wondered if love was even worth it because it seemed to come with so much pain. Growing up, I always wanted to have a ride or die chick on my arms because that’s the role my mother played for my father.
Unlike most women, Angel Taylor held her man down in all ways. Not only would she help my father whip up dope in the kitchen, but she would blast her guns right alongside him. In my mind, she was the blueprint for how I saw my future wife. Then she got killed right beside her husband, and I quickly decided that wasn’t what I wanted in a partner. Hell, I stopped wanting one altogether because the risks never seemed worth it.
In my line of work, I’ve witnessed many women lose their lives behind a man in the streets, and I always told myself that would never be me. It was best to stay to myself, that way no one would ever be able to use my woman as collateral. It worked for me over the years because the only people anyone could use against me was my family, and they were all heavily protected. This situation I found myself in seemed so complex because there was no outside enemy who had taken my girl away fromme. I was the villain in this story. It was me who caused the damage and ultimately shattered our bond.
Even though Neeya messed up too, it didn’t release me from the role I played in all of this. I allowed the darkness in me to overshadow what was in my heart. I had been taught to keep my eyes open and never put anything past anyone. In a moment of doubt, I convinced myself that her love was too good to be true so she must have been trying to set me up.
My error in judgment led me to this place that I never wanted to be. The pain was so unbearable I couldn’t say the last time I was sober. My family had no idea how far I’d spiraled since losing Juicy and Zion. My pride refused to allow them to see me this way. I couldn’t allow them to see me as a failure because I spent my whole life trying to prove I wasn’t one.
“Hey, can you turn the air down? It’s already cold outside, why do you have the temperature so damn low?” Juicy switched into the living room with her arms wrapped around herself. I observed her body and noticed she’d lost a significant amount of weight.
“I’m sure it’s much warmer at your house.”
“Yeah, it is. However, I’m here, and it’s too cold. Can you turn it down, or do I need to do it?”
“Why are you here, Juicy? I ain’t ask you to come here.”
“Do you want me to leave?” she questioned with her arms crossed over her titties sitting up just right. I couldn’t remember the last time I’ve gotten hard because life had been beating my ass. Sex had been the last thing on my mind.
“I want to know why you’re here.”
“Because I want to be. Do you have any more questions?”
“Yeah, actually, I do. How come colonel doesn’t have an r in it? That shit is weird as fuck to me.” Juicy tilted her head and stared at me as if I was an idiot before a smile broke out on her pretty face.
“Sometimes I worry about you. You know you don’t have to say everything that comes to your mind, right?”
“What’s the fun in that?” I noticed the tension in her body language and could sense she was uncomfortable. “Can you sit down? You know I don’t like people standing up when I’m sitting down,” I requested. She replied with a huff before taking a seat on the sectional. As soon as she sat down, she grabbed the blanket on the couch. Her eyes danced around the room in judgment, and I couldn’t blame her.
Since I’ve been here, I haven’t cleaned up at all. There were empty food containers and liquor bottles everywhere. Before I could even say anything, Juicy jumped up, heading into the kitchen. I heard her shuffling around in there and figured she must have decided to put the groceries away.
After an hour, I grew tired again. I hadn’t been sleeping well lately, so whenever my body shut down, I allowed it.
The sound of a vacuum blaring caused me to jump out of my sleep. My heart felt like it was about to hop out of my chest because I hadn’t expected it.
“What the hell are you doing?” I huffed, irritated that she messed up my sleep.
“What does it look like? I can’t believe you were lying around in this filth. This place is too nice for you to be living like a pig.” Juicy scoffed, continuing to vacuum the carpet around me. Since my sleep was over, I decided to get up. The smell of some good ass food permeated throughout the house, and my stomachbegan to growl. Although I didn’t want anyone in my space, her being a great cook made her presence more tolerable.
“What did you cook?”
“Food,” she sassed, damn near running my feet over with the vacuum.
“No shit. How did I not know that?”
“If you’re gonna make a plate, you need to head to the bathroom and take care of your hygiene. Based on the way you’ve been living, I’m going to assume you haven’t washed your ass either.” Her nose scrunched up, and I wanted to cuss her out. She wasn’t lying though. It had been a couple of days since I took a shower. Every day seemed to run in a loop as I binged on food, alcohol, and drugs.
“You can kiss my ass.”
“Absolutely not. I know those draws are stiff as hell right now. Over there smelling like bounce that ass. I never thought I would see the day that Soul Taylor became a dusty, musty ass nigga. Damn.” Clearly, she was getting a kick out of fucking with me.
“Yeah. I’m letting you have your moment. ’Cause if I talked about your short-sleeved ponytail, I would be wrong,” I grumbled, searching the table for my blunt.
As my eyes swept across the table, I realized that she had cleared everything from it. It reminded me of when my mom was still alive. She would come and clean up everything. It wouldn’t have been so bad if she hadn’t thrown it all away. In her mind, if our things were important to us then we would have put them away.
“You wish. You must have been confused with your new bitch and her empty bonnet. These inches are real, much like the drool around your mouth.” My hand shot up to my mouth, and Juicy fell out laughing.
“You’re so childish.”
