Page 159 of Bones
That realization hurt like a physical blow. I hadn’t had ahomein twelve years, partly due to living with a roaming bike gang, but even if the Reapers had stayed in one place, it never would have felt likehome.Not like the Vault. The Vault felt like home because of the people I’d left behind. People I’d probably never see again.
I let myself cry for a little while, but I didn't want to wake Trey, so after a few minutes I wiped my face and tried to stop. The shame for wanting Trey enough to let him come with me rose, reminding me of its existence.
How would I gethisattention? I couldn’t just take a narc because he’d get in my head and see Trey. Fear gripped my lungs. Despite my best efforts, he would find out about Trey eventually. We would be running for the rest of our lives. Did Trey understand the toll of that kind of life? I did. I knew exactly how it felt to be constantly looking over my shoulder and suspecting everyone of ill intent. Would Trey be able to live like that? Gods, would this leave him as broken as me?
The wind blowing in the trees almost sounded like a howl, and it made the hair on my arms stand on end. I curled my gloved hand around Trey’s gun and stared into the darkness, listening and trying my hardest to stop thinking, but my brain latched onto all my guilt and anxiety and would not let it go. When Trey woke up a few hours later, I tried to stuff the emotion back down to hide it.
“Hey,” he yawned as he sat up, “any trouble?”
"Nope." I thought I did a passable job of sounding normal, but his eyes snapped to my face.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothin’.” I tried to smile. “Just tired.”
“Bones, don’t do that. What’s wrong?”
“Don’t do what?” I crossed my arms.
“Don’t shut me out,” he said, frustration clear on his face.
“I’m not,” I said more shortly than necessary.
He gave me an incredulous look. “Something is clearly wrong, and you’re lying about it.”
“I’m fine!”
“No!” He shoved his feet in his boots, that muscle ticking in his jaw. “We’re not doin’ that anymore, remember?”
I gritted my teeth, my temper rising. “What, so that means Ihave totell you everything?”
He stood, frowning down at me. “No, it means you can be honest with me. You don’t have to carry shit by yourself.”
“Trey.” I tried to sound reassuring. “I really am fine. I can handle stuff on my own, I promise.”
He stepped in front of me and crouched, his eyes glittering with emotion. “You wanna know how I know that’s a lie?” He didn’t wait for me to say anything before barreling ahead. “I know that’s a lie cause every single time you’ve had a burnout fever, it’s like you’re a different person. You don’t try to hide how scared or lonely or hurt you are. You ask me to stay with you. Even after you refused to talk to me, when you got that burnout fever tryin’ to heal Mist, you were inconsolable askin’ for me until Griz finally came and got me. And then youclungto me and begged me not to leave. That's when I realized those fevers were the only time I saw how you were actually feelin'. And it killed me to know how much you were hurtin' inside, but you wouldn't fuckin' let me or anyone else help you." He paused, his eyes searching my face. "I probably could've asked you anythin' when you were feverish and you would've been honest with me, but I didn't. I want you to tell me shit ’cause you trust me."
I stared at him as my eyes welled up. I remembered that time after the fire when I asked him if I said shit while delirious, and he lied. Now I knew why. I wanted to be mad. Iwasmad, horrified that I’d been vulnerable without even knowing, but that didn’t explain the pain in my chest. I knew he wasn’t lying. Besides the fact he was a horrible liar, he’d worked so hard for my trust, and no one in my life had ever done that before.
“I don’t?—”
“Bones.” Trey grabbed my hands and squeezed them, his voice thick with emotion. “It’s ok to need people. It’s ok.”
My eyes overflowed and he tugged me forward into his chest, wrapping his arms around me.
“Let people in, darlin’. You gotta let ’em in. There aregoodpeople out there. Not perfect, but people who are tryin’ to do the right thing and theywantto help. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You can lean on me.”
“I’m just so scared,” I whispered through the tears.
“There’s a lot of scary shit out here,” he murmured. “Everyone’s scared. Hell, I’m scared half to death most of the time.”
I scoffed.
“I am.” He squeezed me tighter. “Especially when the woman I love is out jumping into pits to fight fuckin’ giants with just a tiny knife.”
I choked on a tearful laugh.
"I know it's a risk, but gods, Bones, don't you want to live for something else besides just survivin'? What's the point if you're too scared to experience all the things that make life worth living? Iamscared—fuckin’ terrified, of losing you. I don’t know how much time we have, but Idoknow I don’t want to miss a single second of lovin’ you.”
