Page 179 of Bones
I hesitated a moment and his eyes sharpened.
“What else?”
"You just wanted to make sure I knew I was a part of your crew," I said, making a snap decision to not tell him how he'd promised not to let anyone hurt me again. I wasn't sure if he'd feel guilty, but I didn't want to risk it. It wasn't a promise anybody could keep.
He looked uneasy, and I couldn’t blame him. I remembered when Trey revealed I said things during my burnout fevers that I didn’t remember afterward. Maybe I should have kept that whole conversation to myself.
“Why weren’t you a part of the rebels?” I blurted out.
He met my eyes for a moment, looking startled, before turning away. “Madame watched me closer than most people. Plus, I didn’t know who was in charge, and I wasn’t willin’ to jeopardize the safety of my crew on the hope that whoever it was would be a better person than Madame.”
I couldn't fault him for that.
"After—" His voice broke. "After Trey died, I joined ’cause I knew I'd at the very least be able to get rid of Madame and Vulture."
The pain that stabbed through me at the mention of Trey’s name took my breath away for a moment. Would that ever go away? Or would it hurt for the rest of my life?
“I didn’t know Vulture found you or that he was bringin’ you back. Madame kept it quiet,” Mac said, low and pained. “If I’d known I would’ve donesomething.I hope you know that.”
I nodded, hoping he could see the honesty in my face because Ididknow that, but knowing it wouldn’t bring back the dead.
We stood in silence for a few moments. Finally, he let out a sigh.
"I better go. Griz is the night guard so let him know if you need anything."
I nodded again, pain and grief still holding my lungs in a vise. After he left, I went to my bed, wrapped myself in Trey’s quilt, and tried to ignore how the quiet of the clinic slowly crushed me.
* * *
Time kept moving and I kept dragging myself forward with it. Nights were the worst. Griz or Sam usually took night guard duty, but they stayed outside, leaving me alone in the clinic like they thought I wanted privacy. I was somewhat relieved because I could let myself cry into Trey’s quilt without worrying about anybody seeing me, but if I was honest with myself, I was so fuckinglonely.As the sun set every day, I just wanted Trey. I started doing rounds in the evening like I had during the fever, checking in on injured or sick people. Anything just to get out of the fucking clinic. I hated how my eyes constantly strayed to the empty place by the door where his mattress had been. I hated waking up and reaching for someone who wasn't there.
Every night I watched him die in my nightmares. Sometimes I dreamt of other horrible things, but most often it was Trey’s death. I watched the light fade from his eyes over and over again until sleeping began to feel like torture. So I stopped sleeping. At night I stayed awake and worked. I re-labeled all the tinctures. I deep cleaned everything. I mended all the tears in my clothes. I caught up on my medical notes. On really bad nights, I went outside and walked alone along the wall of the Vault until my body was too exhausted to keep going. Griz or Sam always asked if I wanted company on those walks, but I always declined.
I pretended not to see Trey’s pack sitting in the corner of the room.
In the daytime, I dozed between patients which usually kept me from having a full-fledged nightmare. People got used to shaking me awake when they needed healing. A knot of guilt lodged itself in my stomach as people kept trying to talk to me and kept making an effort, and I couldn't be anything but this empty shell of a person. I kept waiting for people to snap at me or tell me to get over it, but they didn't. They werekind,and that was almost worse.
"Nemo approved the plan to start a school for the kids," Leda told me one day as Jet toddled around the clinic. "We're looking at a few buildings, but they're all gonna need some renovations before we can do anything. I'm hoping we can spend the spring and summer working on it and the kids can start in the fall."
“That’s great,” I murmured.
It took me a bit to realize she’d gone silent, and I looked away from Jet to see Leda studying me.
“Bones, you know you can talk to me anytime, right?” The earnest kindness in her hazel eyes reminded me painfully of Trey. “I’m here for you.”
I nodded.
“The grief never goes away,” she added after a moment, her voice slightly shaky. “I lost my partner before I even knew I was pregnant. Having Jet helped a little, but the only thing that really dulled the pain was time.” She covered my hand on the exam table with her dark one. “Just know it’s ok tofeel.”
After she left, I stood at the exam table for a long time. I had to be broken because most of the time I feltnothing.Besides the moments where the grief and pain suddenly came pouring out of my eyes, the emptiness consumed me.I remembered sitting in Madame’s cell watching the blood spurting from her neck and feeling nothing at all. Maybe time couldn’t fix me. Maybe I was more like Madame than I was like Leda. How much pain could a person take before they went mad? I wasn’t sure how much more I could bear.
Mac's crew started going out on missions to get supplies for all the new projects as the snow melted. I wasn't sure if Mac asked people to check in on me, but in the crew's absence, the clinic stayed full of people. Apple and Sky came every day. The two girls had bonded, and I was grateful for that. At least they had each other. Leda and Jet stopped by most days. Even Nemo came by once.
Then one day, the door opened, and Mist walked in.
I froze at the sight of her, an ice-cold guilt filling the numbness. Her face had a little more color to it and she looked less skeletal. She wore her blonde hair down, hiding the awful holes where her ears had once been. Scars covered her arms, scars that I'd helped put there.
Mist smiled, looking nervous, but she came up to me and handed over a bar of soap. “I thought you might be getting low.”
