Page 109 of Fangs
“Lee,” Tuck added, his voice stern. “For fuck’s sake.”
“Sorry,” Lee smirked, looking not at all apologetic. “It’s just too easy.”
I straightened my shirt and started walking again, wishing they’d both leave me alone. Instead, they fell in on either side of me.
“Why weren’t you bluffing?” Tuck asked after a blissful few seconds of silence.
“What?” I snapped at him.
“Why did youwantWolf to kill you?”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” I wrapped my arms around myself.
“Lemme guess, you think you’re a lost cause? Unworthy?” Tuck continued, ignoring me.
I opened my mouth and then snapped it shut again.
“You make mistakes, so you think you’re damned?” Tuck added, and I struggled to keep my face blank.
“You keep fallin’ off the narrow path that leads to righteousness?” Lee chipped in.
I stole glances at both of them, unnerved at how they knew these specific fears.
“How do you know where that path is, Ember? Whose map are you following?” Lee raised an eyebrow when I met his gaze.
I came to an abrupt stop. “What do you mean ‘whose map’?” I sputtered. “There’s only?—”
“Does that map have one path for good and one path for evil?” he interrupted me, his gaze so intense on me that it made me want to shrink. “One way to paradise and one way to torment?”
“What else?—”
“Why do you deserve to die, Ember? Did you kill Dune?” Tuck asked.
“No!” I blurted. Was this an interrogation?
“Then why?”
“Because I’m notgood.”
My fists clenched at my sides, my entire body feeling abruptly unsteady. They both stared at me, their faces solemn, and I wished I could take the words back. Why had I said that?
“Carth really fucked you and Wolf up, didn’t it?” Tuck’s voice gentled, and my fingernails bit into my palms. “All that religious bullshit about good and evil bein’ absolutes. Do you know anyone who isonlygood oronlyevil?”
Juck’s face sprang to mind, but so did my confession to Sam. Juck was evil, but he hadn’tonlytortured me. He’d loved me, too, muddying the waters like Sam said. I bit my lip, staring at the ground.
After a moment, Tuck continued, “Your brother spent so much of his life strugglin’ to reach some unachievable level of perfect. He thought the fact he struggled meant he was damned, but strugglin’ is just part of beinghuman.His obsession with rules and order didn’t make him a better person or the world around him better. It just made him mistrust his own intuition. It made him fuckin’ miserable. You want to know why he isn’t dragging you back to Carth right now? It’s cause he started trusting his gut.”
“I’m not tryin’ to be perfect,” I said to my boots, “I’m just tryin’ to make up for…for everythin’.”
“Balance the scales?”
I glanced at Lee, but my feeling of relief that he understood died when I saw the amused and irritated look on his face.
“Yeah, we know all about the fuckin’ scales. Your brother wouldn’t shut up about them foryears. So I’m gonna ask you the same thing I asked him. Who’s holding the scales? Is it you? Is it the Ministry back in Carth? Is it one of the gods?”
I stared at them, unsure of what to say. They both looked so damn serious.
The stray hairs escaping Lee’s top knot waved around his face in the breeze. “Look, this is just my opinion, but I think ifyou’renot the one holding the scales, it’s all just bullshit. Who are you lookin’ for approval from? Cause the only person who can give you that isyou.”
