Page 148 of Fangs
Wolf and his pack all looked up at me.
“You’re going to bed?” Wolf asked, his brow furrowing, and I nodded.
“Kinda early,” Lee added, flashing a grin.
Wolf rubbed his chin and glanced at Scar. “You’re welcome to join us if you want.”
“I’m tired, thanks,” I rattled off the excuse before fleeing up the ladder.
The cloud of misery around me seemed to grow thicker as I hung up my wet clothes to dry. It didn’t help that my back fiercely ached. I changed into my sleep clothes and dug through my pack to find my oil infusion. I couldn’t put it on my entire back, but I could at least get the places I could reach. I emptied the bag, but it wasn’t there. I frowned, trying to remember where I’d put it.
My eyes suddenly landed on Trey’s pack sitting against the wall, partially buried under my old blanket.
It was in his pack. Grief surged up to join the heavy emotions already crushing me as I remembered the last time he’d rubbed it into my skin. Our last night together hadn’t been beautifully memorable. We’d both been exhausted. He helped me with the oil, kissed me goodnight, and took the first watch.
I wasn’t sure it would have been any better to have known, but I did wish that we had spent our last night curled up together, holding each other close.
The grief threatened to choke me as I knelt in front of his pack and slowly opened it. I pulled out clothes that still faintly smelled like him, and that lump in my throat grew harder to ignore. All our camping supplies were here, and I hated how things like a simple cooking pot and a chunk of flint could make my eyes burn. I sorted through them, finally finding my oil infusion wrapped in one of his shirts, but as I unwrapped it, something fluttered to the floor. I stared down at the small, fat square of folded paper. It looked like it had been folded over on itself until it couldn’t fold anymore.
Slowly, I unfolded it, my heart thudding in my throat. A full sheet of scrawled words came into view, and my hands trembled as I held it open and began to read.
Darlin,
I hope you never have to find this letter, but I’m writing it just in case. You’re currently sleeping in the bedroll across the campfire from me, and gods, you are so beautiful. I keep looking up and getting distracted by how much I want to pull you into my arms.
But if you’re reading this, it means things didn’t end well. It means I’m gone.
I think I know you well enough to guess you’re probably blaming yourself, and I need you to stop doing that, alright? It’s not your fault, darlin’. I hope we have a good, long life together, but any amount of time I got to love and be with you is worth it. No matter what happens. I used to have all these grand ideas about going off and seeing the whole world, but then I looked into a pair of the most beautiful green eyes, and everything changed. You once told me you felt like you could never be enough, but you are, darlin’. I got my whole world, Bones, because my whole world is you.
I also have to confess that I radioed Mac from Zeke’s and told him about the other person. I hope you can forgive me, but I couldn’t leave them unprepared. Mac is a good man, and I trust him with my life. He’d never use this against you, and I hope, fuck, I hope if you’re reading this, you’re back at the Vault. I hope you have all of them around you and that you’re all helping each other through this. Promise me you’re letting them in, darlin’. It’s okay to need them, and they’ll need you, too.
Fuck, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. It kills me knowing if you’re reading this, you’re hurting. I wish I could comfort you. I wish I could hold you and promise you everything will be alright. When Mac was missing his dad, my mom used to say there’s something beautiful about how our bodies return to the dirt. All of us are made up of life that came before, and all life to come will contain pieces of us. So look for me in the apple trees, the dandelions, and newborn kittens. You’ll find me wherever there is life.
One thing I know for sure is that I will forever be drawn to your light. I’ll find you somewhere out there again—maybe in another lifetime.
If you’re not at the Vault, find a way to contact Mac. You don’t have to be alone. Mac will always be there for you if you let him.
I love you, darlin’. I’ll never be able to say it enough. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Always yours,
Trey
I sat there, staring at his name with tears rolling freely down my face, but out of habit, I carefully controlled my breaths to keep from making any noise.
I wished I hadn’t found it.
I wished I’d found it sooner.
I wished he was here.
I wished I’d never fucking met him.
Trey knew I’d behurting. Despite all my attempts to explain, he still didn’t realize that losing him woulddestroyme. “Didn’t end well?” What a fucking stupid description of theagonythat was his death. The thought of us finding each other in another lifetime didn’t bring comfort; it just made me hate that version of me who got to have him. The rage and the grief were so twisted together I couldn’t see where one started and the other ended.
Did other people feel like this?
Other people lost loved ones during the rebellion. Other people were grieving—mycrewwas grieving—but they appeared to be continuing on and healing. What was I doing besides losing myself to emotion or losing myself to numbness? These violent swings in emotion kept knocking me off my feet. Was it because of Juck? I’d had to learn the hard way that expressing my emotions led to pain. I had to feel less to survive, but I didn’t know how to feelless, so instead, I feltnothing.
