Page 50 of Fangs
He snorted, and I looked back up.
“What?”
“You glare at everybody all the time.”
“I do not,” I said, offended.
He grinned. “You serious?”
I glared at him, then realized what I was doing and attempted to stop. His grin widened until both dimples appeared.
“Why did you work for her?”
The words tumbled out of my mouth, and I immediately wished I could take them back as his grin vanished, a mix of pain and guilt flashing through his eyes.
“You don’t have to?—”
“No, it’s ok,” he interrupted. “I’ve been wantin’ to tell you all of this for a while now. Just never really seemed like a good time.” He took a breath and let it out before starting. “When I was in that cell, Ana, Trey’s mom, was trying to get custody of me. I guess she was about ready to storm the watchtower even though she was real pregnant with Clarity.” He smiled slightly, his eyes sad. “Madame finally told me I could go live with them, but to remember I belonged to her. She threatened to hurt Ana and Trey if I ever went against her, and I was so fuckin’ scared of what she might do, I swore I’d do whatever she wanted.
“Most kids join the guards at thirteen, but she came and took me when I was ten. I think she was expecting the other trainees to kill me in the barracks. Maybe she even told ’em to, ’cause they sure as hell tried.” His smile was grim. “Once I realized she let the crew leaders make their own rules, I thought if I could just become a crew leader, I could make a place for the people I cared about, where they could be safe. So, I did whatever I needed to do to get it. I killed five of the other trainees, the otherkids,with my bare hands before they started leaving me alone. I made myself into someone I barely recognized, someone who people feared.” He swallowed hard, and I couldfeelhis remorse. “Sometimes I think Trey joined the guard ’cause he was afraid of how far I’d go if he wasn’t there to stop me.
“Bein’ a crew leader became an obsession. It was the only thing I thought about. An’ I got it, but Madame was still hurting other people, and everyone thought I’d become a monster. If it weren’t for Trey collecting all the other outcasts in the barracks, I probably wouldn’t have had much of a crew after training. Ana kept tryin’ to talk to me, tryin’ to get me to open up, but I spent years ignoring everyone outside my small circle and trying to focus on what I could control. Then Ana died because, despite everything I’d done to keep her safe, I couldn’t save her from bleedin’ to death in childbirth with Trey and Clarity’s baby sister. And Trey…” He smiled, but his eyes were wet. “Trey cared about everyone and couldn’t ignore the suffering.”
The pieces of my heart ached so fiercely my eyes overflowed again. Mac offered his hand palm up like he did under the watchtower. When I took it, he curled his warm fingers around my shaky hand—quietly comforting.
“I was so angry at him when he got caught passing messages.” His voice was rough with emotion. “I was furious he joined the rebels and didn’t fuckin’ tell me. I was—” He swallowed, his eyes drifting to somewhere over my head, “I was an asshole about it. It felt like after everythin’ I’d done and sacrificed to keep him and our family safe—” his voice broke, and I squeezed his hand, tears still streaming down my face. “It felt like he just threw it all away. I was so fuckin’ desperate. I contacted someone I knew on Wrangler’s crew. I had some savings, so I used some of it to bribe my contact to pass me any info that might be useful. I wanted any sort of bargaining chip I could find. A day later, he radioed back and said he had somethin’ huge, but he wanted more for the info. I promised him the rest of my savings, and he told me Wrangler had a lead on Juck’s secret weapon.”
Even though I knew it was coming, I still felt sick. I didn’t blame Mac. I would’ve done the same thing to save Trey’s life. Ishouldhave.
“I was gonna bargain with Madame for me and Trey to go.” He continued, still staring off into space. “But Griz found out and just about kicked my ass. So I told him the crew could vote on it.” He shook his head, grimacing. “They voted unanimously to come. So I brought it to Madame, swore I would be personally responsible for Trey, and I’d hand over Juck’s secret weapon if she spared his life. She finally agreed, but she made it clear if we failed, we might as well never come back here 'cause she’d execute all of us. Honestly, I would have taken my crew, collected the weapon, and disappeared, but I couldn’t leave Clarity behind, and Madame knew that. Trey was fuckin’ pissed when he found out what I’d done and what I’d promised Madame. He almost refused to come, but I guilted him hard, using Clarity and everythin’ I’d been through as leverage. Trey finally relented, but he was still angry. And then, when we got that safe open and found it empty except for this woman covered in blood,” his eyes met mine, sharp with pain, “I thought for sure I’d failed all of them. I would’ve left you there, but Trey put his foot down. When you ran, and the mercs lost their shit, I realized you must be valuable and thought maybe I hadn’t fucked everythin’ up. So I took off after you and Trey and caught up to you just after you healed him.” He averted his eyes. “I hit you in the back of the head with my gun, and I’m so sorry.”
“It’s ok,” I whispered, and his eyes snapped back to mine.
“It’s not ok. I hit you fuckin’ hard, and you crumpled so fast I thought I killed you for a second. I probably almost did.” He inhaled a deep breath and let it out slow. “Trey lost his shit on me and showed me how you’d just saved his life, but I didn’t want to feel guilty, so I just stayed angry.”
“I wasn’t very nice to you, either,” I pointed out.
“At least you had a good reason. Not unreasonable to hate the person who fuckin’ kidnapped you and brought you somewhere where you had to watch people get tortured. You healed me in the dungeon, saved my life, and I was still an asshole to you, and I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
“Mac.” I fixed him with the fiercest look I could muster, with tears still leaking down my face. “I don’t blame you. And you already apologized for this.”
“I know,” he said, his face so serious, “but I didn’t tell you the whole story.”
We stared at each other for a moment.
“You didn’t have to tell me all that. I’m sorry if that sounded like I was…judging you or something,” I finally said. “I’m not. I stayed with Juck for twelve years despite…everything.”
“You say that like you woulda been free to leave if you wanted.” He raised an eyebrow.
“Well, you weren’t, either.”
He gave me a rueful smile. “I wanted to tell you.”
Silence fell, but I didn’t let go of his hand, and he didn’t pull away.
“How did you find me?” I asked eventually.
“Apple saw them taking you out of the hold.” My entire body tensed, but his thumb stroked my hand as he quickly continued, “She didn’t try to interfere. She came and got me.”
