Page 79 of Fangs
I stared at the mountains, hating that I couldn’t stop crying. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and leave it behind. Just talking about the things Juck had done made me feel dirty and broken, like the ragged remains of a baby doll I’d seen half-buried in the ancient rubble of a desert city—once cherished, now trash. How was it fair that Juck was dead, but I would forever be his Angel, the girl he ruined?
“You’re not pathetic.”
I glanced at Sam when he spoke. He looked more serious than I’d ever seen him.
“A body and mind can only take so much hurt, and anyone who says they could’ve withstood bein’ hurt for that long without breaking is fuckin’ lying.”
I looked away again, my stomach churning. “I didn’t tell him the worst part.”
“There’s somethin’worse?” He sounded horrified.
“Sometimes…sometimes he was gentle and kind.” Bile crept up my throat. “When he was like that, sometimes…I think Ididlove him.”
I’d never admitted that to anyone, even myself. My hands trembled, and I clenched them into fists, immediately regretting saying the words out loud. What sort of person loved someone like Juck? A fucking pathetic, twisted?—
“Emmy,” His voice was soft now, and more tears spilled down my face. Hearing him call me that nickname made me think of Dune. “You were a kid—just a little girl who was tortured by a fuckin’ monster. The worst kinda monsters twist pain and hate up with love. It’s easy to see the bottom of a lake when it’s still, but if you stir up the bottom and muddy the waters, it’s impossible to see what’s really there. It’s easy to hate someone whoonlyhurts you, so they muddy the waters with love.”
He paused, and I glanced at him. He was looking at Violet as he stroked her nose, but there was so much pain in his face.
“My dad used to beat my mom, and I know lots of people have shit dads, but me and my older brother Scout tried so hard to convince her to leave him. Scout even moved to a different hold and worked his ass off to get a house. The plan was for me and our mom to go live with him.” He sighed, his eyes far away. “But she changed her mind again and wouldn’t leave. She believed our dad had changed and was gonna treat her right this time. Scout couldn’t bear to come back, and I couldn’t bear to leave her here alone. So I joined the guards, but just a couple months later, she was dead.”
I swiped my leaking eyes with his handkerchief again. It was hard to see him like this. He was always so full of laughter and light. Now I wondered if that washismask he wore to hide the pain inside.
“I was so angry at my dad for what he did, but I was angry at my mom for a long time, too. I finally opened up about all of this to Mac, Griz, and Trey in training, and they helped me realize how manipulative my dad was and how he’d twisted love with pain to trap her. Breaking away from a relationship like that is so fuckin’ hard.” He paused. “The fact you’re standin’ here means you might be the strongest person I know—hell, stronger than Griz even.”
I didn’t feel strong. I hadn’t really broken away from Juck. Everything just went to shit, and I did what I had to do to survive. If he’d killed Vulture after he caught us together and the other powered person hadn’t interfered, there was a good chance I’d still be with Juck, and that made me feel sick.
Desperate to crawl out of the awful hole I’d fallen back into, I focused on his hands as he stroked Violet. Theydefinitelyhad a tremor. His once tan skin was still pale and tinged with grey, and his blue eyes were sunken and dulled. He hadn’t put on any weight or muscle in the past months, and I knew he was trying to. What if he was getting worse? I couldn’t heal him. What?—
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, quit worryin’ about me,” he said, and he sounded back to his usual annoying self.
“I can’t,” I snapped.
He grinned. “Cause youloveme.”
“Cause you’resick.”
“Sure.” He drew the word out slowly.
“Sam, I mean it,” I said, frustrated.
“It’s ok. You’ll admit you love me one of these days. Hopefully, before I die, but?—”
His words cut off in a grimace as a confusing mix of emotions choked me—my lips twitching up as my eyes welled up again.
“Too far?”
“You’re awful,” I mumbled, wiping fresh tears away with his handkerchief.
“I am,” he agreed readily, stepping closer and wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
We stood there for a while, watching Violet and the other horses, and the warmth and weight of his arm helped steady me.
“I hate that my powers hurt you,” the whispered words suddenly tumbled out of my mouth.
“Well,Ilove that you’re still alive,” Sam retorted.
“Sam—” My voice broke.
