Page 135 of Never Tell Secrets
Alfie’s house loomed large, intimidating and cold. I followed Elliot inside, wanting to get to Alfie as soon as possible. I came to a halt in the entrance hall when my gaze landed on a vase of deep red bleeding hearts, a stark contrast from the monochrome colour scheme of the rest of the house.
Again, deja vu hit me. Alfie had done this before when he had been drowning in his father’s company. He’d planted pieces of me around him to keep him warm. I breathed in their soft scent. Usually they soothed me, but tonight all they did was urge me to Alfie’s side.
“Elliot, is that you?” Ada’s voice startled me out of my thoughts. Elliot gave me a warm smile before heading off to find her.
I made my way upstairs, my hand trailing on the black spiral banister. I walked the stark halls of Alfie’s house alone, hating the thought of him doing the same, with only white tile and those strange black squares for company.
I found Alfie’s office, the door closed. I knocked first before stepping inside, greeted by an all too familiar scene. Alfie, hunched over a mass of papers, his office littered with vases of bleeding hearts.
“Hey, you.” I stepped inside, pressing the door shut behind me. He looked up, a haunted look in his eye. His gaze lingered on me but he didn’t say a word. I lifted a hand, fingering the petals of one of the bouquets placed by the door. “What’s all this in aid of?”
“It doesn’t matter. Have you eaten? Ada can make something if you’re hungry.”
“I’ll eat when you eat.” I walked over to him. His jacket hung neatly over the arm of the couch, his sleeves rolled up revealing toned forearms, lightly tanned from the Greek sun. He seemed surprised when I slid into his lap. “You don’t need to surround yourself with flowers, you know. If you’re struggling up here,” I touched a finger to his temple, “and you need me, just say so. I’ll come running.” He nodded but he didn’t seem to really take in my words. “Talk to me, Alfie.”
He stared at me for one long moment and I watched those cogs turn as I had done a thousand times. “Remember when we didn’t need to talk? Remember when all that existed was us?”
“Yes. I also remember when we made each other insane.” I gave him a wry look that he didn’t return. His mind was so clearly somewhere else.
“In a way, things were simpler then. We would just fall into bed and fuck and play until the world disappeared. Shit gets complicated when you get morals involved.” His brow furrowed. He was pissed, whether with me, himself or the world I couldn’t tell.
“You know, we can still fall into bed and let the world fall away.”
He looked at me like a man being offered an apple that could be poisoned. “It’s not healthy to live like that though.”
“Everything in moderation, Alfie. You can take me to the edge of insanity, we just can’t live there.” He didn’t reply, just sat there, scowling at the world like a little boy with a broken toy. “What do you need?”
“Nothing that this new version of me can ask of you,” he muttered.
“And the old version?” I asked, an awareness prickling up my spine that had me feeling like I was dancing with the devil.
“Would tell you to promise never to leave me.”
I swallowed, another wave of deja vu hitting me. This was the delicate dance we did every day. Constantly tip-toeing along the line of crazy and not crazy. “Is that really what you want?”
“I thought it was but no. I just have some shit I’m dealing with. Performance anxiety, I suppose.”
I bit back a grin. “You? The great Alfie Tell?”
He rolled his eyes at me. “Not physically. Mentally, I mean. I want you, I’m just not sure if I’m ready to have you. If I can live up to expectations.”
I nodded, starting to understand. It was sink or swim time. His fathers expectations had always been high and retribution for failures had been swift. It made sense that Alfie was afraid of getting things wrong.
“Alfie, my expectations are just that you be honest and decent. That you don’t manipulate me or lie to me.”
He swallowed, eyeing me. “Then I should tell you that I could have told those reporters you were staying at the hotel with me but I let them think you were at your apartment.”
I stared at him, trying to mould that morsel of manipulation into rational reason. “So that I couldn’t go back there and would be forced to come here instead?” I asked and he nodded. I sighed, annoyed but unsurprised. Alfie was human, small slipswere going to happen, this was my chance to show that a little setback wouldn’t have me running for the hills. “You don’t need to do that anymore. You want me here, just ask me. Is this what you’re really not ready for? Trusting that I’m yours and letting go of all your schemes to get me back?”
He frowned again, trying to make sense of his own emotions. It was painful watching him work hard to use the tools Priya had given him to help him communicate. “Manipulation is my safety net.”
I knew that and I accepted it, it just couldn’t be a part of us. “It’s time to work without the net, Alfie.”
He avoided my gaze, his fingers playing with a loose thread on my skirt. The blue ribbon braid was still fixed around his wrist. Eventually, he gave me a decisive nod. He glanced up, those steel greys clear for the first time in days.
He gripped my waist, lifting me until I was straddling him. My skirt rode up, the thin skin of my tights a flimsy protection against him.
“Let me see if I can still remember how to do this.” He nudged me, tilting me forward until the apex of my thighs pressed over his crotch. My hands rested on his chest and just like that, tension grew a thick fog around us, sealing us off from the rest of the world. I looked down at him, my heart threatening to beat out of my chest.
