Page 15 of Never Tell Secrets
Alfie…
I took a breath and opened it, careful not to rip the paper.
Lo,
Fuck.I closed my eyes. I couldn’t. I couldn’t…I had to. I opened my eyes again, and this time I didn’t look away. I would not be weak.
I would like to apologise in advance for any pain these words, or seeing my writing on the page, might bring you. I would also like to apologise for Riley’s behaviour. As I’m sure Elliot has told you, I wasn’t aware that he had planned to visit you.
Apologies were once something that had to be pried out from between my teeth with a crowbar, but I owe you so many of them now that it would be foolish of me to write you any letter that didn’t include at least one apology and still have a hope of you responding favourably.
I understand what the purpose of Riley’s visit was and what he asked you to do. I want you to know that I fully intended to keep the promise I made to you. However, he informed me that you were considering meeting with me and I wanted to give you some assurances should you choose to do so.
The first is that you do not need to decide now. If you decide in a year or ten or more that you want to see me, I will come to you. Know that, Lola. I will always come to you.
Secondly, the meeting can be anywhere at any time. It is entirely your choice.
Thirdly, the meeting holds you to no obligation. If you wish to scream at me for an hour and never see me again, I will accept that. If you want me to fuck you senseless for the night and then disappear, I will accept that too. I’m doing what I should have done last time. I’m giving you a choice. I’m sure you will scoff at that. I imagine you arching your brow at these foolish words and not believing any of them.They were hard to write and they will be hard promises to keep, but I will keep them. I swear it on my money.
Finally, I am aware that any trust you may have once had in me has been obliterated by my own actions, so to ask you to trust me now would be stupid, but all I can say is this: this is not a play. This is not a game. I am not fucking with you. If you choose not to respond to this letter then I promise that you will never hear from me or anyone connected with me ever again.
If, by some miracle, you do wish to see me, I have included two phone numbers at the bottom. One is mine, the other is Elliot’s in case you did not wish to speak to me directly.
You hold all the cards.
Ever yours,
Alfie Tell.
Oh hell.
Ten minutes later, I found myself sitting in Keira’s seat by the window, looking out over London. He was out there somewhere. Keira was in my place on the couch, uncharacteristically quiet as she read Alfie’s letter.
“Eloquent fucker, isn’t he?” She tossed the letter onto the coffee table when she was finished, her tone dripping with distaste. “What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking he’s an eloquent fucker…” I sighed and took another sip of my wine. “…and I can’t believe a word he says.”
“This isn’t about him though, this is about you.” She crossed her legs and sat silent for a moment, chewing her lip. “He really didn’t kill Adam?” I’d told her about Elliot's confession before she read the letter. I wasn’t sure if Alfie would want me to but I was done keeping secrets from Keira.
“He really didn’t. Elliot admitted to it and I believe him. Alfie just pretended it was him so it would be easier for me to leave him.” I didn’t know how to process that level of sacrifice from Alfie. It changed everything. It meant that he’d gotten it right at the end, even if it had been too late. He’d finally gotten it right. I could see Keira turning over this new information. It changed things for her too, though I doubted she’d ever stop hating him. It didn’t negate all the other crap he’d pulled.
“Do you want to see him?”
“Stupid question. Of course I want to see him but do I want to go back to what I was? No.”
“Okay, so maybe the question is do youneedto see him?”
“Really?” I arched a brow at her. “What happened to‘Over my drop dead gorgeous body will you be getting back together with Alfie Tell’?’”
“I’m not talking about getting back together with him, I’m talking about closure.”Closure.What a bullshit word. “Two years, Lo. Two years and four months and he’s still in your system. Maybe a conversation, getting some answers, could be good for you. It’s just one meeting. As for going back to what you were, I don’t think that’s possible. You were vulnerable to his bullshit then and he preyed on that. Now, you’re strong, in completely your own way. There’s nothing for him to prey on. I think you can handle him now.”
I turned to look at her, arching an eyebrow. “When did you get to be so wise?” I asked and she shrugged.
“It’s the wine.”
Five
Ispent the next day holed up in Imani’s office, getting to grips with my new role. A combination of my role at Rosie’s and my role as Imani’s assistant, it wasn’t difficult to learn the ropes. It would have been easier if Alfie hadn’t been at the forefront of my mind though.
