Page 157 of Never Tell Secrets
Those steel greys rested on me, not cutting, not searching, just resting, as if he was trying to anchor me with just his eyes and stop me from spinning out. “No, baby. I loved watching you get better and thrive. But yes, I did watch you. I watched when you cut your hair off, when you cried. I watched you have nightmares?—”
I grimaced in disgust, turning away. I dropped my duvet, wishing I could shrug off his words as easily. I hated that he’d seen me like that, it made my skin crawl. Alfie grabbed my wrist, turning me to face him.
“I watched you during your most vulnerable moments and I’m still here.”
“Even when I don’t want you! You still aren’t listening. It wasn’t enough that you were filming every corner of my life, you had to give me a fake friend to spy on me behind my back. Isn’t that what you did?”
“Yes, it’s what I did, but you’re pushing too hard, Lo. The yelling, the pushing me away…I won’t let you force us back into toxic behaviours.”
I almost choked, I was so furious. “I’mforcing us into toxic behaviours?”
Alfie lifted his chin, his face full of that haughty arrogance that I hated so much. “The way you’re dealing with it, yes, it’s toxic.”
“If I’m toxic then who’s fault is that?” I yelled. I hated that he was calm when I couldn’t stop spinning. “Tell me something, Alfie. Why do I have to deal with things in a healthy way but you get to deal with them however you want? Why do you get boundaries and I don’t?”
He raised his hands, a failing attempt to placate me. “I know it hasn’t been fair.”
“That’s a fucking understatement.”
“Lola—”
“No! I want you to go, Alfie!” My voice cracked with the strain and for the first time, Alfie stopped talking. “I’m tired of listening and trying to be reasonable! You dare to lecture me about toxic behaviour just because you turned over a new leaf four fucking days ago? My behaviour isn’t toxic. It’s normal not to want to talk to the man that stole my birth control and stalked me for two and a half years.”
It sounded insane when I said it out loud. He’d really done those things to me and I was really still here.
“Lo, if we don’t talk, we can’t fix this and I know we can fix this.”
“If I decide to talk to you, it will be on my terms, not yours and I’m definitely not going to couples therapy with you.” That wasn’t happening. I couldn’t sit there and pretend like I was sold on our future. I wasn’t.
“Not with me. Just you. Priya let me go as her client when I told her what I’d done.”
That made me pause, my anger stuttering for a moment. “She fired you?”
“She said she won’t work with us as a couple again until she’s assessed you. When she let me go she offered free therapy to you for as long as you want it. Take her up on that offer, Lo. Go and talk to her. Or stand here and scream at me if you want but I’m not letting you shut down again.” He took a tentative step closer. “Besides, we’ve still got nearly two months left of our deal.”
I stared at him, gobsmacked for the second time. “Are you serious? You still expect me to hold up our deal after you?—”
“Broke all your trust? Yeah, I do. I’ve done it before and you survived. Nothing has changed. Toxic bullshit aside, I’m still theman you wanted back. This shit that I’ve done is the last remnant of a man I want to bury.” He cupped my face, forcing me to look at him. “Iwillbury him. I know you hate me, but you know that I didn’t have to tell you. I could have kept it a secret, removed the cameras and you would never have been any the wiser but I didn’t.”
“Do you think that saves you?” I didn’t miss him flinch at the ice in my tone. Good. I wanted him to feel every drop of my rage.
“I think it gives us a better jumping off point.” His expression softened, I could see how hard he was trying. Trying not to fuck me into agreement, trying to find the right words, trying to find the healthier path where I hadn’t. “I was terrified to tell you what I’d done, but in the end I had to jump and hope that you would still be there when I crashed. I need you to do this with me.”
I stared at him, at the man that was almost my everything. There was no logical reason for why I was still in this, I just was. It made no rational sense but irrationally? Yeah, it made every kind of irrational sense that I was still here.
“The deal still stands, Lo. If we get to the end of the three months and you don’t want this, I’ll let you go. Completely this time. But I need to see this through, and so do you.”
I wanted to argue. To shout and yell and tell him I didn’t need anything from him ever again but I couldn’t. He was right. As usual.
“Fine, I’ll talk to Priya.”
He breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you, I?—”
I pulled away and headed for the door. I didn’t want to hear anything else. I opened it, giving him no doubt that I was done with this conversation.
Instead of moving, he just raked his gaze over me, from the bottom of my paisley pyjamas to the top of my bed-head hair.
“Before I go, I want you to agree to my covering Maia’s share of the rent until you find a new roommate. It’s the least I can do.”
