Page 160 of Never Tell Secrets
“This isn’t your fault, you know. You didn’t fail him.”
She gave me a small smile. “Alfie told me you were very perceptive. You would have made a good therapist.”
“Not perceptive enough,” Keira muttered.
I didn’t answer, I didn’t see the point in arguing when she wasn’t exactly wrong. Of course, Priya’s all-seeing eyes didn’t miss the interaction.
“You blame Lola for Alfie’s actions?”
“It’s her fault he’s back in our lives.” She huffed, frustrated. “Why is he still in our lives? Make me understand, Lola.”
“I was just trying to find some peace for the both of us. Now, I guess I’m still trying to do that, I’m still trying to get closure, so I can move on. I get why you hate him. This session isn’t about making you like Alfie, it’s about making sure things are good between us.”
That’s what was most important to me right now. Alfie’s visit this morning had stoked my anger but it had motivated me too and pushed things into perspective. No matter what he’d done or what he would do, I refused to let history repeat itself. I wouldn’t break again and I wouldn’t let my friendship with Keira fall apart.
“I love you, Lo, but I’m done arguing about Alfie Tell and his drama. At least you haven’t hacked your hair off like last time. You seem healthier, I’ll say that.”
“Iamhealthier and as much as I hate to admit it, he helped make me that way. He’s taught me to handle things in a better way, no fighting, no running.”
“Do you think you’ve taught him healthier ways of coping too?” Priya asked.
“Yes.” I thought about my ribbons around his wrist, about the way he slowed himself down before fighting. Not all of that was Priya’s work, I’d laid the foundation of that healing two and a half years ago. “We were actually good for each other sometimes.”
I don’t know why I struggled to say that outloud. As if admitting any good qualities about Alfie might bring me closer to forgiveness and forgiveness was just one step closer to getting hurt again.
“Keira, this isn’t about building a future with Alfie, I don’t know that we have that. It’s about healing. I cut him off the last time he hurt me and all it did was leave gaping wounds in both of us. I have to try.”
I wrapped my arms tight around my body, stifling the shiver that ran up my spine. These last few weeks had already helped me so much, which made this betrayal so much worse. We were so fucking close to getting it right. I missed him, missed the man I’d almost had.
“Sure,” Keira said, “but I don’t have to try with him. I won’t try to stop you seeing him but don’t expect me to make polite small talk with the freak that put cameras in my fucking home.”
I tried not to wince. She had every right to her pain. “I won’t. But you and me, we’re good?”
“We’re good.”
I smiled at my friend who had never once failed to come through when I really needed her. “Good. Maybe Priya can work with you and Damien next.”
She scowled at me, flipping me the bird.
“Lola, I admire your determination to heal from this but I wonder do you have any ideas about how you might do that?”
“No,” I shook my head, “but I’m sure Alfie does.”
“Oh, no doubt.” She was silent for a moment, thoughtful. “Have you considered looking at the images he saved of you over the years?”
My stomach turned over, a nauseous feeling crawling over my skin at just the thought of those pictures existing. “I’m hoping he got rid of them when he got rid of the cameras.”
“Actually, I asked him not to.” She raised a hand, calming the anger rising on my cheeks. “If you want to instruct him otherwise that’s your choice but I think looking at them could be useful for you. Healing, as you said.”
I tried not to scoff. Looking at those pictures was the last thing that would help me, they would only make me angrier. “I don’t want to see them.”
“That’s valid, but I wonder how it would feel to see yourself through his eyes. To see which images he saved and why.”
I frowned at her, wondering why that was important.
“Were they salacious ones of you taken during private moments? Perhaps his motivation was masochism and he saved pictures of you happy to hurt himself? Or did he rub his ego by saving images of you hurting over him?”
I scowled at the cooling cup of tea on the coffee table in front of me. I didn’t know the answers to those questions and I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
