Page 176 of Never Tell Secrets
The heat that was almost suffocating by day, tonight I found comforting, like a firm hug holding me up. But maybe that was a lie too. The ocean, the air, they were Alfie Tell’s kisses, Alfie Tell’s promises, Alfie Tell’s lies and right in front of me was the evidence of the worst thing he’d ever done to me.
My phone rested on the table, the drive link bright on the screen waiting for me to open it.
I felt like Pandora, my phone was a box containing all the world's evils and if I opened it the contents would cut me wide open, leaving me bleeding forever. But if I didn’t I’d be stuck in an empty limbo just like Alfie had been for the last twelve years.
I heard the ding of the lift doors opening. I felt his eyes on me, but instead of leaving me be as he had all week, he approached, footsteps clipped on the cool tile. I didn’t know footsteps could be angry but Alfie’s certainly were.
I didn’t turn, like a moody teenager I waited for him to round the table before meeting his pissed off gaze. “What have I done now?”
He opened his mouth to speak and I mentally prepared myself for whatever shit was about to come next but instead he hesitated, studying my face. “What’s wrong?”
I didn’t bother trying to hide it from him. I pushed my phone in his direction and he glanced at it. “You’re ready to look at the photos?”
“Oh sure, that’s why I’m sitting here contemplating throwing my phone in the ocean.”
Alfie released a tense laugh as he pulled out a chair and sank into it with the grace of a Greek god. “Come on, you know I wouldn’t let you get out of it that easily.”
His words were light but the threat behind them wasn’t. I’d put this out into the open now and I could feel Alfie’s razor sharp focus zeroing in on how he could get me to look at those images and face up to what he’d done.
“What’s up with you?” I asked him. “Why were you mad?”
“Angie quit.”
I wasn’t surprised, in fact I felt a twinge of pride. Good for Angie.
“You were angry with me for that?”
“I was. I’m presuming the idea didn’t get into her head on its own.” That was true but I didn’t need to admit it. “Now it doesn’t seem that important.”
I knew what he was trying to say. In the face of everything we were dealing with, Angie just didn’t matter so much anymore. Despite the roiling in my stomach, I was happy to hear him say it outloud. “It’s time for her to move on.”
“Yes, I suppose it is. It’s time for all of us to move on.” He gave me a meaningful look, one that said‘get your shit togetherO’Connell and face what I’ve done so we can get over it.’But he didn’t get it.
“Your monsters are old, Alfie. Mine are still brand new. I’ll do this in my own time.”
He nodded reluctantly. I knew this wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Alfie was a lot of things but patient wasn’t one of them. “Tell me what you’re afraid of.”
“I’m afraid it’ll be the final nail in the coffin.” I glanced up at him. “But I’m more afraid that I’ll forgive you.”
“Would forgiving me be so bad?”
“You tell me.”Are you a good man yet, Alfie Tell?That was my unspoken question. His brows knitted, his thoughts spinning so fast I could see the conflict in his eyes. He couldn’t answer me. “Are you afraid?”
“Yes. I’ve always been a very focused man. I know what I want and I pursue it until I get it. That’s true in all areas of my life and it's always been true of you…until now. Now, my focus is shaking, I’m uncertain of what I want.”
A sick feeling began to grow in the pit of my stomach. I’d never heard Alfie talk like this before. “Uncertain how?”
He released a frustrated breath, as if annoyed with his own inability to see clearly. He treated himself like he should be a machine, it pained me to see him angry with his own humanity.
“I look at my future and I see you plastered all over it but when I look at my present, you’re there but you aren’t clear to me. Like I can’t quite touch you and I can’t stop thinking about touching you.” He lifted his gaze to mine, a darkness there that sent shivers down my spine. “I think about fucking you all the time.”
His words stole my breath away, the unabashed hunger with which he said them. “Alfie, stop.”
“No.” The denial was simple, no threat, just a powerful man objecting an order. “I lie in that bed, knowing you’re just twodoors away and imagine slipping into your sheets and pushing inside you the way I used to. Sometimes, I think if I could just fuck you everything would make sense again.”
I could feel my skin heating with every word he spoke. My instincts screamed at me to run but I couldn’t make myself move.
“Do you remember that night you told me about Bradley? Those days and nights we spent in bed after…I don’t think we stopped touching for three nights straight. You broke my heart but just touching you healed everything.”
