Page 177 of Never Tell Secrets
Those few days were the most intense of my life, I’d never been so lost in another person.
“You’re everywhere I look,” he continued, his eyes fixing on me with that razor sharp focus he claimed to have lost. “Every morning when I put on my cufflinks I remember the way you whimpered as I tightened them on your nipples. Even now, sitting out here, I remember watching you get off as you lay on that table on the balcony. I look at plastic sheeting and I see the dust on your cheek from fucking you at Harrington.”
My breath hitched, his words had stoked a fire deep inside me that I hadn’t allowed to blaze in two and a half years.
“So yes, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that despite everything I’ve done, if I made a move you’d let me fuck you. I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to control myself when I need to. I’m afraid that if we fuck, you’ll go back to being that girl that let me manipulate her. You’ve come so far but I think if you’re really honest, you know I’m still in your head. Aren’t I, baby?”
I wanted to deny it. I wanted to tell him he was wrong but I couldn’t. I had come so far, we both had, but I wasn’t sure it was far enough. He still had the power to play with me but I had one question.
“Isn’t that what you want? To be inside my head?” It gave him power and Alfie loved power.
His jaw ticked, his tell tale sign of frustration. “It used to be. I thought things were different now.”
“They are in a lot of ways.”
He nodded, his haunted gaze fixing on me. “Except one, you’re still all I think about.”
And that wasn’t okay, that was the reluctant truth he was trying to tell me. Alfie had spent so much of his life consumed by thoughts of others, he couldn’t let it happen again and neither could I.
He stood with none of the ease with which he’d sat, coming towards me was easy it seemed but leaving me, that he had to force his body to do. He pushed my phone towards me. “Bite the bullet, O’Connell, and jump.”
Hours later, I still hadn’t jumped. I’d paced, showered, picked at my dinner, sketched, watched TV and paced some more. But I hadn’t jumped.
I’d clicked on the drive link and entered the passwords and codes. I’d looked into my camera and had my face scanned for facial recognition. Now the worst of Alfie’s crimes was just one click away. Yet I couldn’t click.
I sat in my room, staring at the screen, waiting for the courage.
As always, the thing missing was Alfie. He was an ever present chasm in my chest and I ached with the effort of keeping him out. I didn’t want to do this alone and I didn’t have to.
Alfie deserved to explain himself and as much as I hated to admit it, I needed him. I needed his support and the courage he gave me.
Not giving myself time to second guess, I left my room and tiptoed down the hallway. I opened his door, not bothering to knock first. His room was dark and twice the size of mine. I could just make out his form, lying in bed, the sheet tossed across his lower body, leaving his torso bare.
My breath hitched at the sight. I felt everything he’d talked about earlier. The need. The want. The urge to slip between the sheets and let him sink inside me the way he used to. I wanted to feel how right the world felt when he touched me.
He must have felt my presence because he stirred, looking over at me. “Lo?”
“I…were you asleep?” I hesitated in the darkened doorway, wondering if he could see the way I pressed my thighs together.
“I wish.” He sat up, the sheet pooling around his hips. “What do you need?”
“You.” The word escaped me before I could stop it and I knew he heard the lust in my voice. I needed to get my head straight if we were going to do this. “I need you with me when I look at the photos.”
“Come here.”
Heart pounding, I went to him. He took my phone and got a remote from the drawer in his bedside table. He pressed a button and I jumped as a glass screen descended from the ceiling at the end of the bed. It flickered to life and after messing around with my phone, my screen appeared on the television.
I stiffened as his hand slid into mine. “What are you doing?” I tried to pull my hand away but he just tightened his grip.
“I’m going to hold onto you while we look at every single picture and when it’s done, I’ll let you go.”
Suddenly the reality of this hit me like a wave. Was I really ready to face every image, every lie? What if those photos tormented me forever? What if?—
“Look at me.” He cupped my cheek, forcing me to find his gaze in the dark. “It's going to be alright.” Somehow, despite all of his deceptions, I believed him.
I allowed him to pull me into his arms until I lay between his legs, his chest warm against my back. His arms folded around me, cocooning me tight, yet it didn’t feel claustrophobic. It felt right and just like that, my anxiety softened just a little.
He pressed a few buttons on the remote, selecting the slide show option. The screen darkened then burst into life and I took a deep breath as the first image appeared.
