Page 179 of Never Tell Secrets
I’d seen it, all of it…and I was okay.
I slipped my hands into his, relishing the feel of his skin against mine. I wrapped his arms around me, allowing myself to feel heaven. Bliss. Home. Like I once had.
I peeked up at him, he was watching the slideshow, his eyes dark.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I really did this to you.” He stared at what he’d done as if he’d never seen the pictures before. I could see the weight of his actions crashing down on him. His guilt wasn’t going anywhere for a long time, and neither was my distrust.
“Why did you save that last picture? The one of us on the street?” It was the only one that had been saved since he’d come back into my life almost two months ago.
He dragged his gaze away from the screen and finally looked down at me. “Motivation. To remind myself what I’d lose if I fucked up again. Every time I’m tempted to dip into old behaviours, it’s that picture I look at, not the ones where you’re hurt or happy, the one where you love me and you don’t even know it.”
My breath hitched as I stared up at him, lost in his eyes. Those three words were stuck, buried deep and how much truth would be in them I didn’t know.
“You can’t say it, I know you can’t say it. You can’t hear me say it either.” But he wanted to, that I could tell. Relief swept over me that he wasn’t going to take us to that place, I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
Peace and closure, I needed peace and closure first and I’d taken a huge leap towards that tonight. I studied him, this perfect, imperfect man. My eyes drifted to his soft mouth. I could feel his touch, his scent drifting over me like a love potion, everything about him was designed to draw me in, a thrill for my senses.
“You want me,” he whispered, his voice hoarse.
“I always want you.” It was a painful, terrible truth. I shouldn’t want him, especially now, but there was no help for it.
I could feel his growing erection behind me, the thud of his heartbeat against his chest. He wanted me too but instead of taking advantage, he screwed his eyes shut, letting out a disgusted grimace. When he opened his eyes, they shot to the rolling slideshow.
“This is so fucked up.”
His hatred for himself was palpable and it was a hatred he deserved. Nevertheless, I knew I couldn’t heal if he didn’t. I squeezed his hands tighter, drawing his attention back to me.
“Delete them, Alfie. Delete all of them. Wipe the slate clean.”
So, we did. I don’t know how long it took but I lay there in Alfie’s arms as we went through each image, deleting all of them one by one.
When it was over, we weren’t fixed and he wasn’t forgiven, but I was free.
Fifty-Six
Iawoke the next day surprised to find myself in my own bed. The last thing I remembered was falling asleep in Alfie’s arms, an accident I hadn’t meant to happen.
He must have carried me in here and that very fact was surprising to me. Old Alfie would definitely have taken advantage, new Alfie was unpredictable.
As I lay there in sun drenched sheets, running my mind through everything that had happened last night, I realised I was done with Dubai. I’d gotten everything from the Miracle Garden that I needed and I’d faced enough of my monsters. It was time to go home.
From my bed I checked available flights and managed to book one leaving in just a few hours. Long enough to eat, shower and pack. Before I could change my mind, I sent Alfie a text letting him know what I was doing. I stared at my phone for a few moments, waiting for a pissed off reply but none came so I forced myself out of bed.
An hour later I was showered, packed and ready to go. I heard the lift doors open as I carried my luggage down the stairs. I was unsurprised to see Alfie making a beeline for me.
He looked at my suitcase. “You’re really running again?”
“Not running,” I panted, putting my case down. “Just going home.”
Instead of the anger I thought was coming, he just nodded. “Maybe that's a good thing.” He pushed his hands into his pockets, his face full of a million things he wasn’t telling me. “Last night felt wrong. Being with you when this secret was between us felt wrong but I thought it would be different now that everything's out in the open, instead…”
“Instead it still felt wrong,” I finished for him.
“Yes, even now, standing here, talking to you.” He met my gaze, his brows knitted with…I didn’t know what. “When I got your text this morning my first instinct was to come here and manipulate you into staying. I shouldn’t still be thinking like that.” His jaw clenched. “I’m trying so hard to get this right but it’s like I have this bug in my head that gnaws on me until I do what it wants.”
“You’re trying to find the balance between who you were, who you are and who you want to be.”
