Page 181 of Never Tell Secrets
My hand drifted to my necklace. I missed my family.
I loved my life in London but every now and then, usually on nights like this when my ghosts were at their most haunting, I just wanted to go home. To my old bed, to snuggle in my gran’s throw in front of the fireplace and eat bacon sandwiches for breakfast.
Anxious thoughts gnawed at me. My project, Keira, my worry for Natalie and Riley and as always, there was Alfie. I sat on the couch, chewing my lip until the dawn rose and I couldn’t stand it anymore.
I headed for my bedroom and fifteen minutes later, after changing and grabbing the bag containing Natalie and Ryan’s gifts from Greece, I was out of the door and on my way to the train station.
My Memory Garden was looking tired as it bedded down for the winter. The herbs had faded, the wedding cake tree was nakedand my mum's bleeding hearts lay shrivelled and lost in the earth.
It should make me sad to see it like that but it never did. I loved to see the ebb and flow of time in nature. Every year, winter threatened to kill these plants and every year they came back stronger.
In the cool bite of the morning, before the house was stirring, I retrieved my tools from the garden shed and set about fixing the garden up. I felt like I was losing my connection to this special place. Lost in work and my life in London, weeks went by without me tending to it and every visit only reminded me that I wasn’t taking care of it the way it needed. The way my mum and gran would want me to. It was a helpless feeling but for now, I just tried to enjoy being here.
When it was done, I sat in the garden seat nestled between bleeding hearts, contemplating the skeletal wedding cake tree, the roots of which were the eternal home of my mum and gran’s ashes.
How many times have I sat here and contemplated my life? More times than I could count. I had spilled endless tears in this place, over Adam, over my grief, over Keira, over Alfie.
Alfie.
Always Alfie. Every thought I had always brought me back to him, a neverending pull drawing me to his side.
I drew my knees up, shielding myself against the sharp breeze, and wrapped a hand around my mum’s necklace. At this point, I had no idea what she would tell me to do. She had been patient, forgiving. My father had abandoned her, yet I had never heard her say a bad word about him. Only ever good things. She would want me to forgive Alfie for my own peace of mind, I knew that much, but take him back? That was a whole other thing.
The shrapnel throbbed, reminding me of the cost of keeping Alfie away. I could survive it. Hell, I could even thrive withouthim. I could laugh and dance and work and travel and do everything I had ever wanted to do. But I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep without him.
Yes, she’d tell me to forgive, to be kind but above all to be brave, whichever way I chose to fall. Could I try?
I tried to imagine it. Me in his bed, eating breakfast in his lap, bathing with him, travelling with him. I could picture it. How perfect it would be. But the cold dread crept in. A feeling I loved and loathed, it kept me safe from him, but it wasn’t enough to drive me away. It put me in this limbo where I couldn’t go back but I couldn’t go forwards either.
Two and a half years ago I’d sat in this very spot, contemplating which road to take. The one with Alfie on it, the one without. His actions had made the choice for me and yet here I was, trying to make the same choice again.
My gran, she’d ask me what I knew for sure. I knew for sure that Alfie had changed. Where once he had been out of reach, a statue lost in a barbed wire maze, now I could touch him.
I knew for sure I didn’t trust myself with him. Not entirely.
I knew for sure I didn’t blame him for Adam’s death.
I knew for sure I didn’t blame him for the death of his father or brother either.
I knew for sure that no amount of time was going to drive him out of me. I might heal and move on without him but a piece of him would remain in my heart. The shrapnel would never leave me. I just hoped one day it wouldn’t hurt anymore.
I sighed, dropping my head into my hands.
Alfie…
A faint murmuring caught my attention and I straightened, trying to find where it was coming from. I peeked through the hedge separating my garden from the main garden and found Ryan, sitting under his slide talking to himself.
Quietly, I left my Memory Garden and crept up behind him.
“Psst,” I whispered and he jumped, turning to me with wide eyes.
“Auntie Lo!” He scrambled out from under the slide, launching himself into my arms.
“Hello, little monster,” I squeezed him tight, “why were you talking to yourself?”
“I wasn’t. I was talking to Captain Blacksword!” He pointed under the slide and I noticed then a book full of coloured paper, the same kind I’d received with his latest chapter scribbled on.
“Oh, I see! You like to write outside now?”
