Page 186 of Never Tell Secrets
“I can’t trust you because what you feel has you acting like someone you don’t want to be either.”
I stared at him. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Look at what you’ve done. You thought about kissing me, in front of a slideshow of photos I took of you behind your back. Now you’re here, in my house, acting like you could forgive mebecause I technically gave you the opportunity to find out what I’d done, like it matters.”
All of that was true but that didn’t mean I was a doormat. “I’m not saying I forgive you, I’m saying maybe I can stop hating you. I’m trying to find peace for myself, isn't that what you want?” I was desperate for him to understand but Alfie just scoffed.
“When have I ever brought you peace?” he said, echoing my own words. The venom in his voice stunned me, venom that was aimed entirely at himself. He paced the room again and I let him, giving him the space he needed to find the right words but when they finally came, I wished I hadn’t.
“I thought I was ready, Lo.” His voice was soft and when he looked at me, his eyes told me he was sorry, so sorry for his words. “I thought I’d done the work and I was ready but I’m not.”
I stared at him in shock, unable to comprehend what he might mean. “Alfie, what are you saying?”
He was silent for a long moment and time seemed to both stand still and yet rush.
“I’m saying I need to know that I can be without you.”
Just like that, my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach, my knees began to shake. This wasn’t happening. Not again.
“I need to know I can be healthy on my own, happy on my own.”
“You can’t be doing this. After all that you’ve dragged me through, now you suddenly decide you don’t want me anymore?”
“Don’t want you?” Anger flashed across his face. He grabbed my wrist and pressed my hand against his crotch. His cock grew quickly under my touch. “Does this feel like I don’t want you?” He pulled away, disgust with himself plain in his eyes. “It’s hard to fucking breathe without you, Lola. I can’t sleep, I don’t eat, I can’t think clearly.” His chest heaved with the effort of forcing these words out, as if his mind and body was at war. He met myeyes, ocean-deep pain rich there. “I want you more than I have ever wanted anything…but I want myself more.”
I didn’t dare speak, I felt like a deer in headlights. If I just stayed still, didn’t move or speak, I wouldn’t get hit. If I stayed in this moment, I was safe. The second I spoke I would move us forward and forward wasn’t a place I wanted to go.
I swallowed, my tongue too big in my mouth. “What happened to the three month deal you were so determined to see through?”
Alfie shook his head. “I should have never asked you to agree to that or held you to it, it wasn’t fair.”
“Fair? Since when did you give a shit about fair?” I spat. “Was it fair that you spent the last two years getting to see me, getting to keep me in your life while I went without you?”
“You think I got the better end of the deal?” He rounded on me, eyes blazing. “Getting to see you but not touch you, watching you live your life without me? You know that—” He cut himself off, biting his words away. “This is what I’m talking about. Look at us. You lash out but you shouldn’t be fighting this, you know that I’m right.”
“I don’t know anything. I think that I do but everytime I’m finding my feet, you go and pull the rug out from under me again.”
“I know.” He was sorry, I could see it etched in every corner of his face, but along with the sorrow was a resolute determination. He was really doing this.
“You’re really leaving me.”
“I’m doing this for us.” He cupped my face, forcing me to look at him. “Two and a half years ago you left me because I didn’t have the strength to end it myself when I knew I should. That’s what I’m doing, baby. We aren’t ready. I’m not ready.”
“So you’re just…you’re putting us on ice? Am I supposed to just wait?”
“No, you’re supposed to move on, like I’m going to. Maybe we’ll see each other again one day and we’ll be ready, maybe we won’t…” His voice cracked, his fists clenching as he fought to keep himself together. “But we’ll be better. I need to be better, Lo. Every second I’m with you I’m risking hurting you again and I can’t do that.”
I let out a humourless laugh. “Fine.”
I grabbed my jacket from the bed but when I tried to pull it on, the sleeve turned inside out and my arm got caught up in it. I shook it, embarrassment burning on my cheeks. I didn’t want to be here. Gently, he took a hold of my arm and straightened out the sleeve so I could pull the jacket on.
He held my hand, as if marvelling at how small it was compared to his own. I ached to fall into his arms but I refused and pulled away.
“Please don't make this harder, Lo.”
“I’m making it easier,” I snapped. “You want me gone? Fine, I’m gone.”
“None of this is what I want but it’s what we need to do.” I couldn’t hear this. Every word was a mallet to my chest. He took my hand again, holding it tight. “Lo, if this is the last time I ever see you I need to tell you something.”
