Page 22 of Never Tell Secrets
“Alfie, I know that you’re hurting, I know that you think your future is with me, but my answer has to be no.” I kept my voice strong, determined that he wouldn’t see my hands shaking or hear the tremble in my throat.
“It has to be? Why? Because you’re afraid?”
“Because you’re bad for me.”
“As I’ve said, people can change.” Maybe that was true, but the power he could have over me, that hadn’t changed. I didn’t trust myself and that was the truth, a truth I didn’t need to share.
“I’ve moved on, Alfie. My life is so different now,I’mso different. I’m sorry that you’re in pain, I wish that you weren’t. I know that you didn’t do what you did because you’re vicious, but that doesn’t change the fact that that’s in you. I won’t go back to that.”
“I won’t go back to that either.” I didn’t know what was worse, that his words were a lie or that he really believed they were true.
“I don’t believe you.”
“I know. I’ll have to show you.” I stiffened. I’d been waiting for this. Waiting for the slow, intoxicating, mind-melding seduction that he had done so well to me. “Please don’t look so afraid of me. I meant show you by keeping my promises. I won’t contact you again unless you invite me to. I won’t show up on your doorstep. I will leave you alone until you tell me otherwise. No matter how long that’s for.”
I sighed in frustration. He was trying to do a good thing but it was all wrong. As always, Alfie didn’t understand how a healthy thing was supposed to look and once again the responsibility of teaching was falling to me.
“That isn’t fair, Alfie. You can’t put your inability to move on on me. It’s not my responsibility to make you happy. You need to be full without me.”
He eyed me as he turned over my words, trying to make sense of a concept that was so simple to everyone else. “How do I do that?”
“Find something that matters to you that isn’t me. I care about so much outside of you. My work, my friends, my family, myself…you need that. What’s important to you? Apart from me?”
He frowned, thinking hard. “I don’t know.” He was lying. He did know, he just didn’t want to tell me. So much for answering all of my questions. I sighed. It wasn’t my job to fish answers out of him anymore.
“You need to figure that out. I won’t be responsible for your self-esteem.” I took another sip of water. I needed a moment to catch my breath. I’d let him see too much tonight. “For what it’s worth, Alfie, you really did make me happy. Some of the time anyway. Forgive yourself for what you did to me because I forgive you. I don’t trust you, but I forgive you.” I was mentally preparing to say goodbye and he knew it. “Before I go, I do have a request to make of you.”
“Anything.”
“Please reinstate the work on Harrington. There were so many people depending on that income. You don’t have to keep the Evergarden but don’t let other people suffer because of us. It isn’t fair.”
Alfie’s brows knit together in an annoyed grimace.
“I admit I hadn’t thought about them.” He hadn’t thought about stealing away income from hundreds of people because he was upset. Yeah, that sounded about right. “That was an oversight on my part. I’ll have the work reinstated immediately.”
“Thank you.” It was time to go. I could sit here for days and ask him a million questions but none of them would change the outcome. I pushed back my chair and stood. I didn’t miss him straining to hold himself back. “Thank you for being decent tonight, Alfie. I know that you could have done this very differently but you need to let this go now. You need to move on.” I wanted that for him so badly. No matter how much it hurt. I couldn’t go back to him, but I couldn’t bear to think of him suffering alone for the rest of his life.
I watched as he cleared his face, a look of resignation settling in his eyes, one that was so similar to the one he’d worn when he’d lied about Adam to make it easier for me to let go.
“I will. You don’t need to worry about me pining after you anymore. Your forgiveness is enough for me. I’ll be fine, I promise.”
I eyed him, wondering if he really thought I was that stupid. His eyes tracked me as I crossed the room until I stood in front of him, my knees trembling with every step. Alfie had become almost phantom-like to me over the last two years. Now, having him so near…it was overwhelming. He didn’t move a muscle. I felt the energy humming between us, electric like it always was.
I knelt, and a shiver ran through me as I gripped his leg and pulled it to me from under the table. I pulled up the hem of his trousers, revealing what I knew I would find there. A dark blue sock. Just like the one he’d worn the night we’d broken up. My chest constricted at the sight of it. I knew what that simple colour meant to him. I knew that if I pushed up his sleeve, I’d find my blue ribbon still tied around his wrist.
I looked up to find his eyes blazing at me, furious that I had unveiled him so easily. I stood.
“Big. Faker.”
His chair screeched as he stood but I didn’t move. He’d said he wouldn’t touch me and I knew that on that, he would keep his word. “I’m not the only faker here. You say you’ve moved on, you’re doing just fine without me? How’ve you been sleeping, Lola?” he asked, his grey eyes glinting.
“Fine,” I answered, my tone cool. The corner of his mouth lifted in a sardonic smile I’d seen a thousand times.
“Liar,” he whispered and I shivered, my mind flashing with deja vu–the memory of him saying that to me before in my kitchen almost three years ago when I’d told him I didn’t want him anymore. “Your eyes are as tired as mine." He tilted hishead. “See? Two years and we’re still playing the same games. I fake and you lie to yourself. We aren’t done, Lola. We never were. I’m going to do this differently, but I am going to do it. You need to be prepared for that.” He took a step towards me and I took a step backwards, instantly regretting my show of weakness. “Don’t look surprised, you know you came here for this. You need me and you know it. Because you moved to a new city, got a new wardrobe and a whole new haircut but you still can’t sleep without me. You still can’t get me out of your skin.”
“So, what if that’s true?” I spat back, my mask well and truly slipping now. “Do you really think I would give you another chance? I could never trust you enough to give you another chance. Look at what you're doing. A moment ago you said you would leave me alone until I said otherwise, now you're telling me I need to be prepared for whatever you're going to pull next. You're as unstable now as you ever were.” My words were laced with venom. His eyes flashed and I winced, knowing what kind of mind-fuckery came after a look like that.
“You don’t need to flinch, Lola. I said I wouldn’t touch you and I won't.”
