Page 29 of Never Tell Secrets
“Clive!”Clive?As in Clive Warrick? I’d heard her say that name a thousand times–he was the head designer and…was thisguy wearing a cravat? “Didn’t I say I was talented? Tell me those costumes didn’t blow your mind. You’d be a fool not to give me a job now.”
“Humble as ever, I see. I’ll speak with your senior to work out a schedule for you. I’d like to have you shadow me for a few months, see how you do.” Keira squealed once more and kissed the distinguished man on the cheek.
“You won’t regret it.”
“Alright,” he said, looking flustered. “Well, enjoy your evening.” He turned to leave before Keira yelled after him.
“Hey Clive, give me a few years and I’ll be coming for your job!” He shook his head with a laugh and disappeared into the crowd. She flung an arm around each of us. “Ladies, I’m going to party like it’s my last night on earth.”
The speakers pumped a heavy bass line into the air. It reverberated, vibrations making my skin hum. Keira arrived with shots and I relished the hot burn as I threw back the tequila.
I threw myself into the night, releasing the tension that had been building ever since Alfie had come back into my life.
I danced with one guy and then another and another before an arm slid around my waist and hung on. I felt strange lips on mine and I allowed it, as if I was daring Alfie to burst through the door, throw me over his shoulder, and drag me away as he would have done before, but he never came. Ever.
Never once during the last few years when I’d walked home alone at night, dated, danced with or kissed other men, or drank way too much and partied till dawn. Every time I’d imagined him coming back to me, to stop me from doing something so reckless, but he never did.
Maia sat at the bar, nursing a Diet Coke. I hoped she wasn’t too unnerved by the raucous crowd.
I lost track of time as I danced, letting this nameless stranger kiss me, press himself into me as we moved. He was attractive and he smelled good, but his touch left an unpleasant awareness on my skin. I felt like a thief. Like I’d stolen something from one man and was giving it to another. I could scream with frustration. I wanted Alfie Tell out of me. I wanted to exorcise him like a demon. If I thought fucking this stranger would help I would do it, but I knew, deep down, that it wouldn’t. With every touch, every kiss, the feeling of wrongness got stronger.
I turned away, opening my eyes to the crowd as he kissed my neck. Through my booze-addled haze I saw Keira, surrounded by her friends, dancing like her world had just begun.
The stranger’s hand was creeping toward my breast and I knew then that my night was over and really, it wasn’t anything to do with Alfie. It was everything to do with me. He’d been right, sex and affection had never been mutually exclusive for me. I needed one to have the other. One day I would be ready to share myself with someone again.
I thanked the stranger for the dance and made my way over to Keira. I told her I was leaving and waved away her insistence on leaving with me. I wanted her to enjoy her night.
I turned to leave and bumped into Maia. “Are you leaving?” she shouted over the music. I nodded yes. “I’ll come with you.” She led the way out of the bar, steering lecherous hands out of our way as I followed her.
At our flat, I fell into my bed, alcohol and old memories spinning in my head. Being drunk reminded me too much of Alfie. It put me in his bathtub the night he’d taken me out of Keira’s house, covered in paint. That night had been one of the early red flags. He had left me the next day and now I wonderedwhat would have happened if he’d never come back. Who would I be without him?
I knew, rationally, how bad that night had been. Him showing up like that, stealing me away from a harmless wine-night with my friend. His behaviour at the hotel. The control. The manipulation. But when I put myself in that room, all I felt was the gentle way he’d washed my hair. His heated gaze as I’d stripped. His fear for me.‘People make stupid decisions when they’re drunk.’He’d said that and I’d never learned why. Questions. So many questions. Questions he’d given me the answers to.
Over the last few days I’d read his journals every spare moment I could get, and with each passing page it got harder. The entries were sporadic and upsetting.
As he got older, the entries changed from his abusive family life to the beginnings of the raucous debauchery of The Never Tell Club. His detailed accounts of nights spent with other women. The drugs, the alcohol, the parties…it was hard to believe he was still a teenager when it all began. He’d grown up way too quickly.
I read as his arrogance, his self-aggrandized importance, grew and grew as he used the admiration of his peers to fill the gaping hole left by his family. It was sad. But it told me nothing I didn’t already know. The more I read, the more frustrated I got. The more it felt like Alfie had taken the coward’s way out. He wanted me to know things without the trouble of telling me.
I stared up at the ceiling as my bedroom slowly stopped spinning. I didn’t want those answers now, I didn’t want to dive back into that awful world, but I needed to. With care, I unlocked the chest and pulled out his third journal. He was 18 now and was home for his annual summer visit.
I was getting to understand his life as it was then. The cruel father, the neglectful mother, the sociopathic brother, thespoiled sister. I met a teenage Riley through Alfie. He was the same sweet person that had called me this week to apologise for persuading me to see Alfie again, that was sorry his friend had hurt me. I’d forgiven him easily, he was the only light in these twisted narratives. That was until I’d read Alfie’s pain when Riley was pulled out of school because his parents could no longer afford the fees.
I opened to the page where I’d left off and turned to the next entry. The writing was slanted and difficult to read instead of his usual elegant scrawl.
This is the last time I come home for summer break. This I swear to myself. At dinner tonight I watched as the new maid, Sarah, twitched and winced as she moved around the room, serving us. She’s pretty. A small brunette. A rare oversight. Mother is usually so careful not to hire Charles’s favourite kind of pet. I don’t know what she was thinking.
Sarah winced as she bent to serve me, and I asked if she was alright, to which my mother sniffed and said, “Darling, please don’t address the help while we’re eating.” I hate when she calls me Darling. She doesn’t mean it. I’ve never been her ‘Darling.’ Ever.
Tonight, after my family retired to their own wings of the house, I snuck down to the staff quarters to check on Sarah. It was stupid. I feel like a weak fool for doing it, a weak fool is what father will call me when he finds out. But as I approached the kitchen I could hear her whimpering cries. I followed the sounds to the kitchen and found her on her back on the table, Charles’s hand over her mouth. I knew my brother did these things, but knowing it and seeing it was very different. She wasn’t fighting him, and I could see her eyes were so empty.I knew that look. I wore it whenever I took a beating. Just switched off my brain until it's over.
I don’t know what I was thinking but I ran at him, knocking him to the ground with full force. I had every intention of beating the shit out of him but when I raised my fist, I couldn’t do it. The bastard started to laugh. He threw me off him and I let him.
“You’re pathetic, Alfie,” he sneered at me before looking at Sarah who was fixing her clothes. “Sarah, go up to my room. Kneel on the floor. Don’t even think about getting on my bed.”
I stood up, putting myself between them but the blow came quickly and took my breath away. I hit the floor and forced my muscles to go limp as he stomped on me and hit me. When he was done, he crouched over me. I’m never going to forget his next words. Not ever.
“Unless you’re planning to join in, don’t ever interfere in my games again. I’ll kill you, little brother and no one in this family will bat an eye because you’re weak. You’re worthless and no one will ever want you.”
