Page 36 of Never Tell Secrets
“That night you burned yourself in the shower…”
“I’d been doing it for years. When the guilt got too much it helped sometimes. I haven’t done it since that night, though, I promise. Every time I got the urge I thought of you looking hurt and I couldn’t do it. Butthatnight, it was seeing the bruises on your thighs and liking them that took me to that place. We weren’t always good for each other, were we, Lo?” His voice sounded small and so, so sad. I pushed my tears back and I shook my head. “Seeing those bruises, almost losing control like that, it made me feel like I was Charles.”
‘Every time you fight me you put yourself at risk.’That’s what he’d said to me that night. It made sense now.
“The thought of doing to you what he did to those girls. I’ve always feared it, feared that I had some element of him, of my father. And I know that I do. I’m ruthless, manipulative.”
“Do you really believe it’s in your blood? Or are you just what they made you?”
“I believe it’s what you called me the night we broke up.‘You’re a selfish, ruthless liar.’ Or had you forgotten? I wish I could forget, but those words have haunted my every waking moment since you walked out of my life in your bare feet. Not that I blame you. Besides, does it matter whether what I am is my doing or theirs? Either way you get hurt. I violated you for my own ends and I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry, Lola.” He released a breath. He looked exhausted. We sat in silence for a moment.I didn’t know what came next. My mind burned with questions and I picked one that seemed least likely to catch fire.
“Does Riley know?”
“He knows my family life was difficult. He doesn’t know the extent and he doesn’t know that I killed my father and brother. He’s one of the few parts of my life that is uncomplicated, and I don’t want him involved.”
Silence settled over us, broken only by the gentle crackling of wood and coal. “What happened to Lina?” I hoped she had a happy ending. After all of this, I needed a silver lining.
Alfie paused, his dark eyes swimming with…what? I searched his face as I had done a thousand times and found conflict. He took a breath then pushed on, as if forcing the words from his mouth, words he didn’t want to let free.
“The day after Charles died, after the lawyers had gone and I was being sent to our country home, I called Damien. He was still with Lina at the private clinic. Surprisingly, she was doing okay. I chalk it up to her tumultuous upbringing. I guess she was just used to rolling with the punches. I promised to provide for her for the rest of her life on the condition that she never told anyone what had happened. At that point, I understood keeping the secret wasn’t just about me. Reputation was everything to my family and if what I had done and why I had done it had gotten out, my family would have been ruined.”
I wondered if he regretted that decision now. Did he ever wish he had just handed himself over to the police and been done with it?
“She agreed to keep the secret,” he continued, “I leased a place near the coast, somewhere private for her to recover. I sent a nurse to take care of her, and a therapist too. She spent the next few months healing, mind and body. She couldn’t tell the therapist about Charles of course, but she told them everything else, about her childhood, her difficulties. She checked inregularly. She was surprisingly resilient. I admired that. We became friendly I suppose, bonding over this hideous secret we couldn’t share with anyone else. A few months later, press announcements were made that I was taking over the company, and she called me and said she didn’t want to live off me for the rest of her life. She asked for a job, any job. I could have given her any position. I don't know why I chose the one I did. Perhaps having her close comforted me. We were in the same boat, you know? Or maybe it was just another way of atoning for what I’d done–looking at her everyday, knowing about the scars under her shirt and that they were my fault for not standing up to my brother sooner. I had to keep her close, Lo.” He gazed at me, willing me to understand. I frowned, confused when suddenly I understood and my blood ran cold.
‘I swear I have never had sex with Angelina Carter.’
“Angie,” I whispered and he nodded. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t fucking breathe.Oh God.“That’s why you couldn’t fire her?”
“I could have. She has never blackmailed me and I don’t believe she ever would. I just didn’t want to.” He let out a soft, resigned sigh. “I know what she was doing to you, and I’m sorry I let it continue. Therapy helped a lot but she still has some issues. After what happened she formed an attachment to me, despite my gentle rebuttals. I need you to know that I’ve never had any romantic feelings for her, and we’ve never been intimate, not once. I just want her to be safe. I owe her that after letting Charles…I just don’t want to cause her any more pain.”
I didn’t know what to think. I’d hated Angie for her vicious taunts and the tension she’d caused between Alfie and I, but knowing what I knew now, I couldn’t help but pity her. I couldn’t excuse her treatment of me, any more than I could excuse Alfie’s, but I could understand it. More than that, I could understand Alfie better. His disregard of my feelings around Angie hadalways hurt, but now, all I could see was that he had been stuck between a rock and a hard place. He had handled it poorly but I couldn’t deny that he’d done the best he knew how. I couldn’t imagine how lonely that position must have been.
“Is that everything?” I asked, hoping that it was because I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
“Yes, you know all of it now.”
I released a breath, unclenching hands that I didn’t realise had been fists this whole time. “Thank you for telling me, I can’t imagine how hard that was. But…” I trailed off, not sure what to say. What could I say in the face of so much damage?
“But this doesn’t change anything between us.” His gaze remained focused on the flames as if he couldn’t bear to look at me.
“No, it doesn’t. I’m sorry.”
Alfie sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. A groove formed between his brows. He looked so tired. Opening them again, I saw acceptance there, resignation. It was the same look he’d worn the night we separated.
“When you’re ready to leave, just press the intercom and ask for Elliot, he’ll drive you home. I won’t try to stop you, I promise.” He was closing himself off to me, shielding himself from the pain and shrouding himself in his shame.
Shame that was not my pain to heal. All of my instincts cried out for me to stay, which is how I knew I had to go. Standing, I did what I’d promised myself I would do. I had closure now, we both did. I had my answers, he had my forgiveness. It was time to let go.
“I’ll take your secrets to my grave I swear.” My voice cracked as I forced the words between my lips. He didn’t answer, didn’t even look up.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I crossed the room and pressed the button for the intercom, finding Elliot’s voicecoming through the speaker. After telling me he’d meet me in the foyer, I turned, looking at Alfie one last time. He hadn’t turned around and I could barely make out his profile.
“Alfie…”
“I’ll be fine, Lola. I promise.”Big Faker,I thought but this time, I didn’t call him out on it. “Get home safely.”
Swallowing my urge to stay, I turned and walked out of the room, leaving him alone in his darkness.
