Page 44 of Never Tell Secrets
“Not different enough.” I put the box back on the shelf. “This doesn’t reinstate our future. This doesn’t fix what you did.” I turned to face him, my arms folded. I guess we were having this conversation now.
“What will? Tell me. How do I fix it? How do I bring you back to me?”
“I don’t know that you can. Or that I want to be brought.” It was the truth, but Alfie’s narrowed eyes said he didn’t believe me.
“You’re lying to yourself, O’Connell.”
“Watch it, Alfie.”
“Watch yourself, Lola. Watch your hands shake, watch your thighs clench together, watch your breathing pick up and your pulse race. You might be angry and scared and I take responsibility for that, but don't you ever tell me that you don’t want me. And don’t you ever tell me what I can’t do.” He took another step closer to me. “I will bring you back to me, I just need to make different moves this time.”
“This isn’t a fucking game, Alfie! This is my sanity you’re playing with!” I yelled, exasperated.
“And what of my sanity? Does that mean nothing?”
“I didn’t do this to us!”
“And I didn’t do this to myself!” His words stunned us into silence. We panted with the unearthing of emotions we’d kept buried. This was what lay under the civility–raw, untempered emotion that neither of us could control. He took a breath, drawing himself back in. “I apologise, I shouldn’t have shouted at you. I told you once that I was ruthless when it came to getting what I want. That hasn’t changed and what I want is you as my wife.”
Once again, he stunned me. This man had gone from forbidding anyone from reaching out to me to wanting me as his wife–what had happened? I swallowed, my throat thick.Ihad happened. I’d unlocked the door and now he was taking the whole damn thing off the hinges. But I couldn’t let him. Memories of his proposal had haunted me ever since that night and yet, I could never bring myself to regret saying no. Now, the idea of being Mrs Alfie Tell was absurd.
“Alfie, you’re being crazy.”
“Am I? Would you rather I skirted around the subject? I don’t skirt. I state my wants, I always have. I’m not proposing marriage yet, neither of us are ready for that, but this is what I want, this is what I'm working towards. My mistake last time was that I was ruthless with you when I should have been ruthless with myself. I won't make that mistake again.” He paused, taking a deep breath, keeping me in suspense as I wondered what would come next.
“I am not mentally well, and I haven’t been for a long time. I recognise that now and until I am better it is not safe for us to have the same relationship we had before. I need help, but so do you.” His revelation stunned me–this couldn’t be the same person I’d left two years ago. Then, I realised, it wasn’t. This was a man who had undergone therapy, had gained perspective and changed. For me. Yet, I still couldn’t trust him.
“I’m fine.”
“Yeah?” He arched his scarred brow at me. “Are you still having nightmares?” His steel greys skewered me, reaching right to my core, my core that was swimming in turmoil. My chest tightened. He knew. Had he always known? Humiliation burned through me, as hot as a fever. I couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand knowing that he’d seen me so vulnerable.
“I’m done with this.” I spun on my heel, heading straight for the door.
“Still running, Lo? I’m not going to chase you this time,” he called after me and I paused at the door. “I’m not going to force you.” I turned and sure enough, he was still standing in the same spot, but his expression told me how hard it was to stay there. To not prevent me from walking out. “The first night I saw you have a nightmare, I didn’t know what to do so I did nothing. Slowly, I started to hold you through it. It helped. I always thought that you didn’t know you were having them.”
I didn’t want to talk about this. Just as he hadn’t wanted to talk about Charles and his father last night. I decided to try, because I wasn’t a coward anymore. I closed the door and leaned against it.
“They started after my mum passed away. I thought they’d stopped. I didn’t realise I was having them with you.” I guess that's why sleeping without him was so hard. It killed me that he’d taken care of me at my most vulnerable and had never said a word.
Alfie…
I wanted him. I wanted him so badly my bones ached but still, I stayed where I was.
“You’re still having them?”
“Yes, except you’re in them now too.” He flinched at that. At uncovering another layer of damage he’d done to me.
“You need to heal, Lola. I’ll do what I can to help you do that.”
“What if what I need is to be away from you?”
“You’ve had two years away from me. It hasn’t helped, so stop with the bullshit.” He tilted his head, scrutinising me in that way that made me feel naked. I watched his cogs turn the way I had a thousand times, watching as he formulated a plan. “I want to make a proposal.”Here we go. “According to my therapist?—”
“There's a sentence I never thought I’d hear you say,” I muttered. He raised his brows at me and I motioned for him to continue.
“She advises that we start from scratch. Not ignoring our past, but not focusing on it either. We need to re-learn each other, without our ghosts fucking everything up. We need time.”
“I don’t want?—”
