Page 58 of Never Tell Secrets
“You knew that I was going to feel gross about doing that?” He gave an indifferent shrug. “Then why would you let me do it?”
“You want me to control your choices now? Make your mind up, Lola.” He moved to sit on the semi-circle couch, watching me in a way that made me itch.
“That’s not the point. You let me walk into something you knew I would regret.”
“You’re an adult. You wanted to explore something sexual and I recognised that I didn’t have the right to stop you. I’m calling that personal growth on my part.” His tone was too cavalier. I gritted my teeth in annoyance.
“I’m all for personal growth, Alfie, but are you really trying to tell me that that’s the only reason you didn’t stop me?”
“No. I wanted to watch you, I enjoyed it,” he admitted without an ounce of shame. I shook my head. I felt like I’d been tricked. Alfie sighed. “You need to grow up, Lola.”
“Excuse me?” I hissed, my eyes narrowing on him.
“You heard what I said. You need to grow up. You explored something and you didn’t like it. That’s fine. But exploring it was your choice so take some responsibility for that.”
“Yes, it was my choice but you?—”
“Are you hurt?” he cut me off, running his gaze over my untarnished body to prove his point. “Did I abandon you? Did I let anyone see you naked? Did I let anyone touch you?” His questions hung in the air, waiting for me to acknowledge them. “Answer me, Lo.”
I bit my lip, my pride not wanting to admit he might have a point. “No, you didn’t.”
“Right. So, what you’re feeling isn’t actually anything to do with me, is it? You’re feeling shitty and taking it out on me, which isn’t exactly a first for you.” He spread his arms over the back of the couch, his relaxed pose juxtaposing the tension in his words.
“What do you mean?”
“Remember the night you came to my office in my suite? You were wearing the red dress and you sat in my lap, calming me after a shit day. You told me that you’d told your sister you were leaving and I guess you didn’t like my reaction because you lashed out at me. At the time, I assumed it was just my stunted emotional growth fucking me over again and I should have been more empathetic. But, what had you done that day, Lo?” He tilted his head, eyeing me with that x-ray vision. I swallowed. I didn’t want these memories back.
“I’d kissed Bradley,” I whispered, not wanting the walls to hear it. It would never fail to amaze me how deeply Alfie paid attention to details, what it meant that he’d figured that out. It meant that he’d tortured himself playing over every single one of our scenes, trying to understand how he’d screwed up and where.
“Right,” he nodded. “You’d fucked up and you were taking it out on me. Which is exactly what you’re doing now.” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “I’m not angry with you, baby, but I’m not going to take it either. So, now that we’veestablished it’s not actually me you’re angry with, how about you tell me what’s really bothering you?”
I folded my arms, a thin shield against his penetrating gaze. He opened me up and read me so easily. I didn’t think I’d ever get used to it. “I don’t know.”
“From now on ‘I don’t know’ isn’t an acceptable response when I ask you an important question. Try again.” His tone was sharp, making me feel like an admonished school girl. I bit my lip, trying to understand what went through me during that experience. I was focused on the blonde, on the strange power that I’d had over her, but as soon as it was finished…
“I didn’t like how I felt afterwards. It’s like I was empty.”
“Yeah, that’s how it feels when you fuck strangers.” I wondered if that’s how he’d felt when he used to live like this everyday. “Physically it feels good and if you can detach the mental from the physical then you’re golden, but if you’re like you and those two are deeply connected, then it doesn’t feel so good. You need the connection or you just feel hollow when it’s over.”
“I don’t want to feel that way again.”
“Then I suggest you don’t fuck strangers.”
I let out a short laugh. “I don’t want you to feel that way either.”
“Then I probably shouldn’t fuck strangers anymore either. There’s a simple solution to that.” I knew exactly what his solution was, but there was no way I was going there.
“When was the last time you fucked a stranger?” As soon as I said it I regretted the question. I knew I wasn’t going to like the answer.
“About a week ago,” he said, watching for my reaction. I held myself tighter to keep my chest from caving in. He was still sleeping with other women while we were doing…whatever thisis. The Alfie-shaped shrapnel in my chest throbbed but I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
“Well, at least you didn’t lie about it.”
“For what it’s worth, what I do with those women, it’s not about making a connection. It’s about blowing off steam.”
“Right, and I’m sure you’d be so cavalier about it if I was to blow off steam with someone else too?” I arched an eyebrow as his eyes narrowed on me.
“Of course not, because I openly admit that you’re mine and I want you back, so I have the right to expect that you don’t share your body with anyone else during these three months.” Alfie’s logic never failed to amaze me.
