Page 59 of Never Tell Secrets
“And I don’t have that right?”
“Sure.” He smirked. “Just tell me you want me.”
“That’s some emotional blackmail bullshit, Alfie. ‘Take me back immediately or I’ll keep fucking other women.’ Fuck you.” I tore my eyes away, disgusted.
“Do you want to be in a committed relationship with me?”
“No.” I forced the word through gritted teeth. His features set in steel, trying to hide how much it hurt.
“Then you have no rights. Sorry, baby, it’s just the way it is. But the way you felt tonight, that empty feeling, that’s all I’m left with at the end with those women. It doesn’t compare.” These moments came in waves for us, challenges hitting us in a stormy sea we had to learn to navigate together.
“It’s really just steam?”
“It’s really just steam. It means nothing.” I believed him. I believed that he didn’t care a bit about the women he was sleeping with but I didn’t know if that made it better or worse. I hated the idea of him giving his body away so easily, like it meant nothing, like it didn’t make my world go round. It felt disrespectful to throw around something I valued so highly, butthat wasn’t his fault. Like he said, I had no rights over him now. He was free to do whatever he wanted.
“Do you like that it hurts me?” I asked.
“I like that you care.” Visions of him kissing, touching another woman tortured me, annihilating any calm I might have felt. What was this night turning into? “You need me to stop, don’t you?”
“I won’t ask you to do that. I get that I don’t have the right.”
“I can stop, for these three months, I can stop.” I breathed a sigh of relief so acute it was almost physical, like being released from a choke hold. “But I want you to tell me something in return.”
“What?”
“Anything.” He smiled. “Tell me anything you don’t want to tell me.”
“More blackmail?” I said and he rolled his eyes.
“Stop seeing blackmail everywhere. Just humour me.” He waited expectantly. I shifted from one foot to the other, feeling oddly self conscious about what I was about to say.
Alfie watched me, waiting for my answer. An answer it felt like a mistake to give. Giving Alfie access to any of my vulnerabilities always felt like a mistake.
“I liked the rope work,” I admitted, biting my lip. Seeing that woman tied up like that, the gentle but firm way Kal had handled her, it had sparked something inside of me.
“Well, I already knew that,” he grinned. “Tell me why.”
“I don’t know.” He raised his eyebrows, reminding me he’d banned that answer. I twisted my hands together, trying not to let my discomfort show. Alfie was too close and as ever, I had to fight the urge to run. “The vulnerability of it, I suppose. The trust. It’s so intimate. And the skill it takes is impressive, there’s something about watching a man work with his hands…”I trailed off, trying not to think about all the times Alfie had worked with his hands on me. “Why do you like it?”
“It meets all of my needs. Control, power, dominance. Mentally it’s challenging too, each body is different, each body requires different knots, different bindings.”
I nodded. It made sense. “But if you enjoy it so much why did you tell Kal that you didn’t like having me tied up?”
“I didn’t like having you unable to touch me.” My chest ached with his words. I understood them completely. As much as the shibari scene had fascinated me, I hated the idea of not being able to touch Alfie. “I could find a way around that.” He ran his gaze over my body, as if imagining where those hypothetical ropes would go. “I could leave your hands free but those legs, I could bind those wide open.”
Heat pooled in my core and fire blazed in his eyes. Our bodies yearned for one another but I clenched my fists, taking a step away.
“That isn’t going to happen.”
“But you want it to.”
“No.” I shook my head.
“Lie to me again, O’Connell. I dare you.” The warning was clear and I didn’t want to find out what the punishment for another lie was.
Squealed giggles echoed down the hall, disturbing us. I took a breath, pacing again. I felt so strange. I wanted to run. I wanted to fuck, hard. I felt like a whirling mass of conflicting energy.
“Have you had sex in this room before?”
