Page 71 of Never Tell Secrets
“I don’t want you to try to be something you’re not just to please me. I want you to be happy, Alfie. Do things that make you happy.”
“That makes me happy. You, Vivaldi, thinking about committing sins in a church. That's my idea of a good time.” I was at a loss as to what to say next. “I’ve taken you on a date before, you know.”
Right, I remembered ourL’Amourdinner date all too well, and how the night had ended. “Yeah, because you were tryingto win me then. It wasn’t about us. You’ve never done anything without an ulterior motive.”
“That's the way the world operates. Every deed is self-serving. Even the best ones. It doesn’t mean they’re going to hurt you, you just see everything through a suspicious lens.” His smooth tone irritated me.
“And who’s fault is that?”
“Thirty three percent mine. The rest I give to your father and Adam.”
My stomach clenched at the mention of their names, he had no right shifting the blame for his actions onto them. I was done with this. “Fuck you, Alfie.” I pushed off the desk and headed for the door.
“And she’s running again.” I heard Alfie mutter behind me, followed by the sound of his chair grating on the floor as he stood. “I know your life would be a lot easier if you could put all of the blame for your trauma on me but I won’t take it.”
I spun to face him, seething. “What is that supposed to mean?”
He rounded his desk, walking towards me and for once, I didn’t back away. “You’re taking all of your hurt out on me because I’m the only one around. You’re like a child yelling at her mum because her dad left. You can’t take it out on Adam because he’s dead and you can’t take it out on your dad because he doesn’t give a shit. But I do. I give a shit enough to be here and put the work in, no matter how hard it is. You don’t trust me and I get why, but if you want to get better you need to recognise that this is not entirely my fault.”
“You broke me, Alfie.” How could he have forgotten that?
“Yeah, I did,” he said, his voice softening, “but you were already full of cracks when we met. I just delivered the final hit.”
I didn’t like his calm tone. I wanted his anger, I wanted him to shout and give me a place to funnel my hurt. “Oh really? That’s all you did?”
“Stop pushing, Lo. I’m not going to fight with you.”
I paused in my anger, staring at him. He watched me, like a lion tamer watching his fearsome big cat. I didn’t know what to do. Without him sparring, I had no one to box against.
“So, what now?”
“I don’t know, Lo.” He took a deep breath, rubbing the back of his neck. A human gesture that seemed strange on a man like Alfie. “We keep doing this, keep trying, keep talking. One day, you’ll be back in my bed again, like you never left it.” He said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. I bit my lip, unable to keep it from trembling. “What is it?”
“The idea of being back with you, it scares me.”
“It doesn’t scare me.” He slipped his fingers into mine, holding them gently. Should I pull away? I wanted to but I was so tired of keeping him at bay. He was wearing me down and that frightened me more than anything. I felt like a stray dog being chased down by a dog catcher. I looked up at him. Those steel grey eyes, once so cold, were now showing me a warmth I hadn’t known before. He held me in that moment as if I was drawing on his strength. My rising fear receded from a looming tidal wave to a gentle lapping of the shore. “I’m trying to get it right, Lo.”
“I’m trying too. This is exhausting me, Alfie. I feel like I have two survival instincts, one pushing me to you and the other pulling me away, both out of self-preservation. I want you but then…”
“You remember how deeply I broke your trust.” At least he could acknowledge it. The old Alfie would have denied wrongdoing until he was blue in the face. “We’ll get there, Lo. Patience has never been either of our strong suits.”
“That’s an understatement.” I stifled a yawn, the day catching up with me.
“Come on. I’ll walk you to your room.” With his hand still in mine, he led me to the door.
“Only if you sleep too.” I followed him out into the hallway and towards the familiar back stairway that would lead me to my little corner of this gigantic house.
“Alright, I’ll sleep too.”
“Liar.”
We reached my floor and he retrieved the key from above the door and handed it to me. I opened the door, then paused. “You need to sleep, Alfie.”
“I don’t sleep well without you. It's easier if I stay up.” He squeezed my fingers as he saw the guilt hit me in a wave. “It’s not your fault. These are the consequences of my actions, not yours.”
“I know. I just don’t want you hurting.”
“So, make it stop. It’s easy. Watch.” He lifted my hand to his face, my heart beat heavy in my chest as he pressed a gentle kiss to my palm. He pressed his cheek into my hand and I let him, allowing him this intimacy. His brow furrowed as he breathed in the moment. His eyes drifted open and he smiled down at me. “See? All better.”
