Page 78 of Never Tell Secrets
“You didn’t want to introduce me to your sister.”
“Because I didn’t trust you,” I said through gritted teeth.
“But you told her everything about us right, all the shit I did?” He arched an eyebrow at me, knowing full well that I’d originally given Natalie a very watered down version of what had happened between Alfie and I. She knew the truth now, that’s what mattered.
“She had enough on her plate. She didn’t need me adding our bullshit drama to it.”
“Right,” he said, clearly not buying it. “You’ve got walls, Lola. That’s all I’m saying.”
I snorted, shaking my head. “You’re one to talk.” We glared at each other for a moment before Priya took a deep breath.
“Well, now that we’ve established that you both have childhood trauma, I’d like to start by discussing goals.”
“Shouldn’t she sit down for this?”
“If she wanted to she would and I’m perfectly capable of continuing the session with her standing.” Her bracelets jangled as she scribbled on her notepad, she smiled when she saw me watching her. “I know longhand is outdated but I much prefer it. So, Alfie, your ideal outcome for all this would be?”
“I want her back.” His answer was immediate, the urgency in his tone unmistakeable.
“Why?”
“She’s mine.” My stomach clenched at his answer, once again splitting me down the middle as my mind rang alarm bells but my body yearned for his ownership. Priya studied him, waiting for him to elaborate. “I don’t know how to explain it, but she just feels like she belongs to me. No…withme.” He frowned as he tried to make sense of his thoughts. Priya scribbled some more before turning to me.
“Lola, your goals?”
“To be free of this,” I muttered.
“‘This’ being what exactly?”
“This thing between us. I don’t know.”
She sat there, waiting for me to elaborate. She could wait all she wanted, I had no idea how to explain the mess going on inside my brain.
“Okay, when you picture your ideal future, is Alfie in it or out of it?”
The question sounded so simple, but the answer was so dangerous. The truth was, that in my life or out of it, either way I was hurting. Which I guess meant that I had nothing to lose. Alfie didn’t look at me as he waited for my answer, his eyesfixed on the coffee table separating him from Priya, but from the tension in his shoulders I could see that my answer meant everything to him.
“He’s in it,” I said, my voice hushed as if I was too scared to admit it outloud. I was scared, but that didn’t change the fact that in my perfect world, Alfie was always there, smiling at me with that small half-smile that he saved just for me.
Alfie closed his eyes, his jaw clenching in relief. I wanted to go to him as I always did when he needed comfort, but I stayed where I was.
“That’s good, but I’d like to point out to both of you that Lola admitting that doesn’t mean that she plans to rekindle the romance between you. Alfie, do you understand that?” He nodded, but barely. “Lola, what is it you want to be free of?”
I thought about it. I wanted to say ‘Alfie’ but that wasn’t the truth. The truth was I just wanted it not to hurt anymore. “I want to be free of the Alfie-shaped shrapnel in my chest that makes it hard to breathe.” I squeezed myself tighter as Alfie glanced up at me. “I want to be free of the power he has over me.”
“You want to trust yourself again,” she said and I nodded. That was it. There were times when I felt strong with Alfie but that only seemed to last as long as he stayed on his side of the line, as soon as he began to get closer, everything began to shift and I could turn into pliable dough as his nimble fingers moulded me to whatever shape he wanted like he had done before.
“So, I want to get closer to her and she wants to get further away,” Alfie spoke, fixing his gaze back on his therapist. “How do we compromise?”
“By going in the opposite direction, to your worst case scenarios.”
My eyes narrowed on her, a suspicious fear growing in my gut. Alfie didn’t look any more pleased than I did.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Well, it means that we’ll be working with the goal of moving you on from Lola. Building your life and future without her. Sound good?”
“No,” he said through clenched teeth. I started laughing and he glared at me.
