Page 79 of Never Tell Secrets
“Lola, our goal with you is to bring you closer to Alfie.”
“How exactly?”
“To rebuild trust in yourself and in him by placing all of the power in your relationship entirely in your hands. Every form of contact, verbal, physical, whatever, is only to be instigated by you.”
I arched an eyebrow, flicking my gaze to Alfie’s furious face. A smile started to creep onto my lips. “Still glad you tricked me into coming here?”
Forty five minutes later, Alfie and I sat staring grim faced at his therapist. Well,ourtherapist. I guess she was mine now too, seeing as I had made it to the couch. Sitting down had kind of sealed the deal.
“Okay, Alfie. Let’s go over your actions moving forward.” Priya smiled, her notebook getting fuller by the second.
“Focus on developing interests outside of work and Lola.” Alfie’s clipped tone made me tense. I could practically hear his teeth grinding together.
“Easy, right?” Priya smiled again. “And Lola?”
“The ball is in my court.”
“Elaborate.” She waved her pen at me. She’d used that word on me a lot in the last hour. It was strange Alfie being the forthcoming one for once.
“I move towards trusting Alfie and myself again by choosing when we have contact and when we don’t.”
“Proving what to yourself?”
“That Alfie can be trusted to respect my boundaries, that I can be trusted to control myself,” I answered, repeating what we had discussed during the session.
“Proving what to Alfie?”
“That he can find happiness outside of me and purpose outside of work. That if I come to him it’s because I want to, not because he manipulated me into doing so.”
“Wonderful.” She placed her pen and notebook to the side of her, giving us her full attention. “Now, let's make it perfectly clear that your choices are your own. Lola, if you truly think Alfie is reverting to old patterns of behaviour then I urge you to keep your distance. Alfie, if you find yourself in danger of compromising her again, I suggest you cut off all contact immediately. I will only work with both of you as long as your toxic behaviours aren’t at play again. Are we clear?”
“Clear,” Alfie answered immediately then looked at me.
“Yeah, we’re clear.”
It felt strange to be discussing our toxicity out in the open like this. It had been our dirty little secret for so long. My hands twisted in my lap. An hour under Priya’s watchful gaze had me feeling agitated. She saw too much, unearthed too much. She had turned Alfie from a dangerous creature I kept at arm's length to a tangible future for the taking if I was willing to do the work. She’d made the possibility of him real and that terrified me.
“Alright, one more thing. We’ve discussed your goals but now I’d like to touch on mine. My goal here is not to reunite you as a couple, but to work with you as a pair to help you heal from past traumas and achieve healthy relationships with yourselves. At the end of the three month contract the two of you agreed to,we can reassess. You might find you’re ready to move forward together or you might find you’re ready to move on apart?—”
“That isn’t going to happen.” Alfie cut her off but she didn’t seem bothered by it.
“You might surprise yourself, Alfie.” Priya gave him a kind smile that I doubt did much to comfort him. “Lola, I would like to cover one last thing with you. I’m aware that you’re very distrustful of me.”
I raised my brows at her, surprised by her assessment “I don’t dislike you at all, I?—”
“I didn’t say dislike, I said distrust.” Her deep brown eyes were warm as they focused on me. “Alfie mentioned earlier that your M.O is to keep people at a distance and I have definitely noticed that.”
“I’ve been more polite than Alfie.” At least I hadn’t spent the last hour staring daggers at her.
“But not more real. He’s been open in his anger towards me. The keyword there is ‘open.’ You on the other hand have been exactly as you said, polite. I understand why and I don’t judge you but I do need to address it with you. If you don’t trust me, we can’t have an effective relationship.” Her smile was steady as she waited for my response. I didn’t know what to say, but she was right, I didn’t trust her, it just hadn’t occurred to me that it was noticeable.
“I suppose I have a hard time trusting people connected with Alfie. I like people in his life, I’m friendly with Elliot and Ada, but they will always act in his interests before mine.” I took a breath, trying to ignore the feel of Alfie’s eyes burning a hole into the side of my head.
“You think I would put his wants before yours?”
“I think you’re on his payroll.”
She nodded slowly, taking in my words, seemingly unoffended. “Has it seemed like I was on his side during this session?”
