Page 83 of Never Tell Secrets
“And now you’re feeling guilty about it and taking it out on me.”
“Fuck you.” I bit the word out, the only weapon I had left.
“Go ahead. Push me away all you want. It won’t matter.” He stared down at me, anger plain in his eyes but there was pain there too. I wondered if he’d imagined us together again as often as I had, if he’d pictured how our mouths would meet again for the first time. I’d teased him with that possibility and snatched it away. I’d ruined that moment for him. I felt sick at myself but Alfie, my new, 2.0 Alfie, stayed steady and strong where I was scattered and lost in the storm. He pressed a fist to his stomach. “I’m solid. You can’t scare me away.”
I stared up at him, my breathing heavy, my core still aching. Every inch of my skin screamed to go to him, to find peace in his arms, but I couldn’t. “I’m going home.”
I could see him deciding whether to push it or not when finally, he gave me a short nod. “Fine, I’ll drive you.”
“I’ll make my own way.” I didn’t trust myself to get back in the car with him. Priya would tell me that was exactly why I needed to do it but Priya wasn’t here. It was just me, Alfie, and my crumbling walls between us. I spun on my heel but only made it two steps before he took my arm.
“Lola, don’t be stupid. You can’t?—”
“The reins are in my hands, remember?” I snapped, “I order you to let me go.”
After a moment, he relented.
“You can’t get rid of me, Lo,” he called after me as I walked away. “I’m shrapnel, remember? I’m stuck inside you and it doesn’t matter how much you run, I’ll always be a part of you.”
I was an idiot. A stupid, foolish idiot. What had I been thinking? After everything he had done to me, the copious tears I’d cried. Two years and four months spent lost in a pain-filled limbo and a few weeks with him back in my life had me ready to risk that all over again. Yeah, I was a damned fool.
I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, the taste of him still on my lips. His scent covered me, I wanted both to wriggle in it and douse myself in bleach.
I wondered if he was lying in his bed somewhere, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about me. No, that wasn’t really his style. He was probably in his office, working himself into an early grave whilst cursing my name over and over.
I didn’t know what to do. My mind warred so loudly I felt like I could scream. I didn’t know how to make sense of my thoughts except maybe…no, it was a stupid idea. Though she had said to call her anytime when she’d given me her card.
Reaching for my purse, I searched for Priya’s card, dialling the number before I could back out. The line connected and my words fell out of me before I could stop them.
“I kissed Alfie.”
There was a brief pause, a shuffling of bed linens before she spoke. “I’m presuming this is Lola O’Connell?”
“Yes. Sorry. It’s me.” There was a faint chuckle down the line as I imagined her sitting up in bed. At least she hadn’t yelled at me for waking her up after midnight.
“Alright. Would you like to tell me what happened?”
I sat on my bed, fingering a loose thread on my duvet. “We were in the car after our session with you and I was…I was trying to talk to him about how I was feeling but I panicked and then we kissed.”
“Who instigated that?”
“I did.”
“Really?
“Yes, well, he made the first move but I gave him the green light.”
“Why do you think you did that?” Her question made me pause, I stared at the loose thread playing between my fingers.
“I just wanted to feel better.”
“And now? How do you feel?”
“Shitty.” There was a pause as she waited for me to elaborate. “I feel like I’m asking to get hurt again.”
“But that’s nothing new for you, you’ve been doing that since you invited Alfie back into your life. So, what are you feeling besides fear?”
“Frustration,” I told her. “With myself for letting him in.”
