Page 94 of Never Tell Secrets
“No, I’m not but the old me is still in here and sometimes you want him and sometimes you don’t. But the old you is in there too. Fucking shit up and running away.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“But you still hurt people.” He looked at me like he was disappointed in me and that hurt more than anything else. “Elliot would die for you, Lola, and you put him in a really shitty position tonight.”
“I know.”
“Then there’s April.”April?What had I done to her? “You didn’t even think about her, did you? If she consented to being seen naked by you? Fortunately she doesn’t care but you didn’t know that when you went down there.”
My stomach turned over as the truth in his words hit me. He was right, I hadn’t spared a thought for who Damien might be with.
“Our members agree to a certain amount of exhibitionism, yes, but only by trusted members of the club and that doesn’t include you, a member of the fucking public,” he spat and I winced.
“Kal took me in there,” I told him,“and I didn’t know Damien was with someone.”
Alfie let out a derisive snort. “You aren’t that naive, Lola. But you’re right, they’re at fault too and I will deal with them later. Right now, I’m dealing with you. You went down there, knowing it was wrong, then you broke your friend's trust by digging into a personal experience that she’d chosen not to speak to you about. Then you fight with her about it, try to push me into toxic behaviours I’ve spent two years trying to move away from and now, you try to run away in the middle of the fucking night like a goddamn coward.” His voice echoed down the street and I flinched, feeling the sting of every one of his words. “You’re really on a roll tonight.”
He was right. For once, Alfie Tell was the truth teller and I was the screw up. I dropped my bag, leaning on his car.
“What were you thinking, Lo?”
“I don’t know.” Suddenly, I was bone tired. I just wanted to go to bed and forget how fucking stupid I’d been tonight.
“Not good enough.” He’d banned those words and his tone told me he wasn’t letting me get out of this that easy.
I bit my lip, trying to make sense of my thoughts. “I just didn’t trust you. I needed to talk to Damien and I knew you’d get in my way.”
Alfie sighed, stepping in front of me. “Lola, you just said I’m not the same person, sooner or later you’ve got to stop treating me like I am.”
I nodded, knowing he was right–but how the fuck did you bring back trust? My Dad, Adam, Alfie…they’d all let me down so many times, trusting now seemed like such a stupid thing to do. The opposite of self-preservation.
“You know what I think?” Alfie said, his tone losing some of its edge now. “I think you’re sabotaging because I’m getting closer…and I think this isn’t the last of your storms.” He cupped my face, tilting my chin and forcing me to look at him. “I’ll weather them with you and I’ll deal with Damien and Kal but you’ve gotta fix this with Keira. What you did tonight was wrong.”
I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I was just worried about her. I’ve never seen her act like this.”
Alfie let his hands drop and slip into his pockets. “You think Damien hurt her?”
“I did, or that someone else had and he might know who. He said he didn’t and I believe him.”
He nodded, satisfied. “Then maybe you’ve just got to give her her space. She’ll come to you when she’s ready.”
A tear spilled down my cheek. I’d made such a mess of everything tonight and somehow, throughout all of it, Alfie had held us steady and steered us down the right path. “I’m really sorry.”
He gazed down at me, his eyes softening. He was hurt, he was angry, but he pulled me into his arms anyway, as if he knew fighting it was inevitable. As if he knew that I didn’t belong anywhere else. “Forgiven, baby.”
For long minutes, we stood there in the streetlight as I soaked in his peace. His steady calm. Weeks ago, Alfie Tell was my most dangerous place. Now, somehow, his arms were where I felt safe.
I wasn’t sure how it was happening but each time those old barbed wire cords threatened to slither around us again, Alfie pulled them away. Slowly, he was untangling us, cutting his hands in the process as he freed us. Painstakingly replacing the barbed wire with ribbon, bright and blue, like the one he still wore around his wrist.
A buzzing interrupted us and he pulled his phone from his pocket with a sigh, frowning as he checked it. “I have to go. I need to get back to the club.”
I held onto him for a moment more. My anxiety was creeping up, urging me away from letting him in, which was exactly why I needed to keep him close. I had to push through. “Thank you for holding me to the earth.”
“Always.” He lifted his hands to cup my face. “Next time you’re spinning out, try letting me in. Just try, okay?”
“I will…and thank you for not fucking the apology out of me.”
His lips quirked up in a smile, his gaze heating. “I could have, you know.” He pressed his thumb to my lips, rubbing over their softness with a light touch that made my breath hitch. “When we’re solid, I’ll fuck you any way I want and you’ll take it, won’t you?”
