Page 106 of Hunt for the Roses
I shake my head. “Not now. She couldn’t even bear to be next to me when I was trying to tell her how I feel.”
“Eventually, you need to,” Trent says.
I look up at Trent and throw him a tight-lipped smile. “Yeah. Eventually,” I say.
As I lay on Trent’s couch later that night, I think about what Trent said.
How much is being with Aria worth to me?
Can I accept her not being able to give me all of her?
Can I accept her love knowing it has reservations?
Right now, I honestly don’t know the answers to these questions, and I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever find them.
* * *
After leaving Trent’s house in the morning, I decide to go to the gym to kickbox. I’m ready to take my anger out on something and luckily, I keep a bag of gym clothes in my car. Once I change into my navy tank top and black gym shorts, I throw on boxing gloves and go straight to the freestanding punching bag. Every punch and kick I connect to this bag is powered by my internal suffering.
I think about how unfair it is for Aria and me to be denied a great relationship because of circumstances.
Whack.
I think about how Ronnie accused me of only being with Aria for sex.
Whack.
I think about all of Aria’s tears and sadness caused by this situation.
Whack.
I think about how I have no control over the fact that she can never love me without doubt, guilt, or hesitation.
Whack.
I think about how for the first time in my life I’ve fallen madly in love, but I’ve fallen in love with the wrong girl.
Whack.
Sweat trickles down my face as I keep beating the shit out of this punching bag. I’m starting to grunt out my breaths so I can channel as much aggression as I can into this fucking bag.
I hate this bag.
This bag represents my life right now. My life that’s been flipped upside down and pulled down into emotional hell. This bag represents all the reasons why I’ve avoided loving anyone.
When I decide to chill out, I turn away with my hands over my head.
Inhale, exhale.
Inhale, exhale.
Inhale, exhale.
When some of my rage leaves my body, there is one question that remains.
How does this end for us?
In order for me to answer that question, I need a sign.
