Page 77 of Hunt for the Roses
Dane holds my gaze as he starts to slowly shake his head. Keeping his voice calm and controlled, he says, “I’m not using him against you, Ari. I just want to know that at some point, maybe I could be considered in this equation of yours.”
I immediately feel offended that Dane is throwing my guilt in my face. “Well, maybe I should remind you that I’m not the only one who should feel guilty,” I counter.
I seem to have struck a nerve when Dane looks away from me, then sighs as he hangs his head back down to stare at the ground. A few moments of silence linger between us before Dane starts to speak up. “I never said I didn’t feel guilty,” Dane confesses.
Just above a whisper, I ask, “So what’s the difference?”
When Dane looks back up at me, he stares straight into my eyes. “My guilt isn’t strong enough to keep me away from you.”
I swallow thickly as I digest Dane’s words, and just as my heart hums at his admission, it becomes torched with feelings of bitterness because he’s not making this easy for me. I turn to the side as I run both hands through my hair and let out an exhausted sigh. “God, can’t you understand that there are other factors to consider here? This isn’t exactly easy for me.”
Dane’s up on his feet when I hear him speak only inches behind me, making me turn around to face him. “I understand there are other factors here. I understand that very well. But the problem is, you’re not considering the one goddamn person that matters here.”
“Which is who? You?” I retort.
Dane shakes his head. “No.” I just stare up at him waiting for him to explain further. “You.”
I exhale a breath as I stare into Dane’s bold hazel eyes, not expecting him to respond the way he did. Unable to look at him anymore, I shy my eyes away by averting my gaze to the ground, and Dane takes a few steps toward me to close the distance. I hear Dane inhale before speaking just above a whisper. “When I was with you last night, everything made perfect sense at that moment in time. I didn’t care about anything else but being with you. Tell me I wasn’t the only one who felt that.”
I feel tears threaten to leave my eyes, and my breathing becomes more ragged as I find it harder to defend my original case. I keep my gaze downward as I shake my head and play with my hands as they’re interlocked with one another. I’m mentally pleading with him to not make this more serious than it has to be. Before speaking with him, I could have chalked up last night to sexual frustration and fulfilling each other’s needs, but the more he expresses his feelings, the more mine rise to the surface. It dawns on me that within the last twenty-four hours, I’ve been trying to suppress what I’m truly feeling, because as he speaks the words he is now, it’s like he’s describing how I feel about him. And we’re so eerily in sync with one another it chills me to my core.
“I’m not listening to this,” I say as I storm off toward my porch steps. But my effort is short-lived when I feel Dane’s hand on my upper arm, forcing me to face him.
“No, Ari. You’re not getting off easy this time,” Dane demands.
I throw my hands up in anger, forcing him to release my arm. “You can’t just leave this alone, can you?”
“Yeah, I bet you would love that.” I narrow my eyes at him, but Dane continues on his tangent. “Then your precious feelings wouldn’t feel threatened, right?”
I let out a tiny sigh before Dane wipes a palm down his mouth as he looks off to the side, seemingly deep in thought. Then he rests both hands on his hips, still looking away from me as he says, “You know what I was thinking about today?”
I stay silent until he decides to answer his own question. “I thought about how I made you feel last night.” A surge of heat rushes over my body as memories of last night flash through my mind. “It made me feel on top of the world that I could make you feel so good. After everything you’ve been through.” Dane pauses for several seconds and then looks back to me. “But as soon as I felt that satisfaction, I felt defeated.”
I inhale as I witness Dane’s vulnerability. He’s taking down his walls in front of me and unveiling his insecurities. “Why?” I breathe out, unable to hide my curiosity any longer.
His eyes hold mine as he swallows a nervous lump in his throat and gives the last answer I ever expected from him. “Because I know what I’m competing with,” he says. “And sometimes I think that a passionate encounter like last night is all I’ll ever be able to give you.”
As soon as the words leave Dane’s mouth, my heart breaks. Not only do I hear the pain in his voice, but I can see the hurt in the depths of his hazel eyes. I want so badly to tell Dane how incredible he makes me feel, and how alive I felt under his touch. Not just because he physically made me feel good, but it’s like he put air back into my lungs last night and broke the ice that contained all my frozen emotions. Yes, Kyle was the best I’ve ever had, but being with Dane last night was so undeniablydifferent.It felt ravenous, erratic, andpowerful. Dane’s untamed, aggressive nature contrasts so much from Kyle’s gentleness, that it wouldn’t ever feel like a competition between the two of them. The passion I felt with Dane is like nothing I’ve ever felt, and all I know is that I didn’t justwanthim last night.
I needed him.
And as much as I may want to deny it, I think I still do.
As Dane confesses his rawest emotions to me, I realize that last night wasn’t just pivotal for me, but for him as well, and I can no longer use Dane’s sexual past as a crutch. Before, I could always fall back on the notion that Dane just wanted me sexually, and he couldn’t ever give me anything more than great sex. But now? Now he’s taken that crutch away, and without it, I know it’s only a matter of time before I fall into him.
Literally and figuratively.
But as much as I want to pour my heart and soul out to him, my conscience is restraining me from taking the leap. “You’re different,” I whisper. It’s the only thing I can muster up the courage to admit without sacrificing my morals.
“But do you want me? Do you want me like I want you?”
My mouth parts slightly at Dane’s bold question. “It’s not a simple answer.”
“It’s a yes or no question. If the answer is no, then I can walk away knowing there’s someone out there better suited for you than me. But if the answer is yes…” Dane trails off. “If the answer is yes, then I think we have a right to be a little selfish here.”
“You make it sound like we’re owed this. We don’t have a right,” I say.
Dane turns to the side and runs his hands frustratingly through his hair. Once he lets out a sigh, he turns back to face me. “I guess that’s my answer then.”
