Page 177 of Dove
Direct hit.
Josh rocked back like the words were a physically blow, but then swayed forward, taking a step towards me. “Dove?—”
With a shake of my head, he stopped.
“Why’d you come here?” I whispered, voice shaking. “Just to get my hopes up, making me believe you’d stay and help me here when it was the last thing you wanted to do? All the while making me think we could…” I swallowed the rest of my sentence, the words too painful to voice. They sounded too naive now.
I should have known.
I closed my eyes and filled my lungs with a steady inhale, grounding myself. Josh wasn’t my safe space any longer, if he ever truly was. It’d been a fallacy, something I’d wished to be true more than it had been, apparently. Even if it pained me to think it, that didn’t make it any less true. What I’d overheard Stella say, what he’d been planning to do…
How could he do that to me after everything?
Maybe I didn’t know him like I thought I did after all.
Even though every fiber of my being wanted to rush over and beg him to explain, my head told me to stand strong and tall.
I’d done enough thinking with my heart and look where it had gotten me.
Squaring my shoulders, I turned my back to him, heading inside, unable to look him in the face as I ordered, “Just leave, Josh. It’s what you’re good at, anyway, right?”
He sucked in a sharp breath, like my callous words had knocked the wind out of him.
His heavy footsteps sounded behind me as I palmed the doorhandle. He trekked across the porch behind me before descending the steps. When the engine of his Suburban roared to life, it was like the knife he'd already buried in my back twisted deeper, straight through to my heart. The crunching of his tires on the gravel as he left cut it from my chest entirely.
There I stood, alone, with a gaping, empty hole in my chest where my heart used to be.
Josh had left and took it with him.
Again.
A part of me truly believed Josh would turn around and come back.
I had no idea why—it’s not like he’d done it before.
No, once he’d left, he stayed gone, not once returning or reaching out, without even an attempt to find a way to assure me he was still alive and safe. But for some reason, I wanted to believe what we’d shared this summer was different. Thatwewere different. Even if he’d been planning to leave from the start, maybe what we shared was enough to change his mind. I just hadn’t had it in me to convince him. I’d defaulted to anger, just like I had when he’d first come back, and pushed him away.
Most likely for good.
I drifted into the kitchen like a ghost, unsure of what to do with myself even though there were chores that still needed to be finished. It seemed like days had passed, when it had only been minutes. Overhearing Stella say Josh was selling the farm replayed in my head, followed up by that soft hurt noise he madebefore he left. Then my mind started spinning with all the things I should have said, wondering if it had been a mistake to tell him to leave.
If I hadn’t, would he have left anyway, or would he have stayed?
I’d been fueled by my shock and anger, yes, but also, I think a part of me had been testing him, hoping he would prove me wrong and stay. Stay like I wanted him to... even if he didn’t.
His coffee mug was still in the sink, waiting to be rinsed off to use tomorrow. One of his hats sat on the counter, forgotten. His spare muddy boots were placed neatly in the mudroom, waiting to be cleaned. Everywhere I looked, I saw Josh in this house, when years he had been absent.
He might not have viewed this place as his home, but he’d done a great job at infiltrating it like it was, anyway.
Could I go back to living without him?
I climbed the steps toward my bedroom, eyes prickling with tears, chest tight from holding in my sorrow. This place was just a shell without my family. Without Josh.
There was no way I could handle this farm by myself, even if I’d somehow convinced myself after our parents died that I could, even if I’d just toldJoshI could. Having him back was a blessing and a curse. It had been amazing having his help, but it also opened my eyes to the realities of running a farm.
I couldn’t handle it all on my own.
I didn’twantto handle it on my own.
