Page 95 of Dove
I cut her off, knowing exactly what she was going to say. “You don’t know that, Dove. I’m your brother, I should have?—”
“Stepbrother, Josh,” she corrected me firmly. “You’re my brother by marriageonly. We’re not blood-related. My mom might not have understood it at first, but she never would have asked me to leave my home!” She paused, taking a deep breath, then added accusingly, “I never would have willinglyleft you.”
“I’m sorry.” The words came from deep down, an apology I’d wanted to say to her for a long time, and I meant them with every fiber of my being. The years I was gone were awful for me, but I can’t imagine what they did to Dove.
“I didn’t want to make things worse for you and your mom. You know how Gareth?—”
Her hands came up to cradle mine, still cupped around her face, and squeezed once. “I know exactly how your father treated you, and it’s bullshit, Josh. He acted like you did something wrong just by being born, but it wasn’t your fault. Sometimes,” her voice cracked, “Sometimes bad things just happen, and there’s nothing we can do about it. My mom never blamed me when we lost Dad, even though I was the one who wanted to go berry picking that day. I pestered him until he finally gave in. Like he always did when it came to me.” She gazed up at me, tears glistening in her eyes. “I blame myself more than she ever did.”
She sniffled, and her hands slipped off my hands to encompass my waist and hug me closer. My arms wrapped around her shoulders, holding her close, knowing she needed the comfort.
I needed it, too.
“I blamed myself for you leaving,” she confessed, resting her cheek over my heart. “I wasn’t sure why you left at first. My memories of that night were so hazy, but once I thought back on everything, it became clearer and I… I realized it was because of me and what I’d stupidly asked you for. I blamed you, but deeper than that, I blamedmyself.”
“It wasn’t—” I began to object, but she just talked right over me.
“Losing you nearly wrecked me, Josh. Knowing you walked away...”
The pain in her voice squeezed my heart like a vice. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, Dove.”
“You wouldn’t even return my calls.” She sniffled, burrowing her face deeper into my chest. “It was like losing my dad all over again, except this time I had no one to help me out of that dark place.”
How did I explain that I couldn’t talk to her? That if at any moment she asked me to come back, I would have in a heartbeat. Ignoring her calls and texts killed me, but knowing she grew resigned and stopped tryingbecauseI ignored them was the nail in the coffin.
“I’m sorry, little dove,” I breathed into her temple. And I was,fuck, I was so, so sorry.
Her hold tightened around me as she silently dampened my shirt. A sharp pain stabbed through my heart, and I realized I owed her so much more than an apology. I owed her so much more than words. I needed toshow her, prove to her that I would never leave her in my rearview mirror again.
Slipping out of her ironclad grip was hard, but I did it so I could slide my hands down her arms until they cradled hers.
“I thought I was doing the right thing.” I squeezed her hands in mine. “I thought I was sparing you from my inappropriate feelings. Now I know I was wrong, that I tortured us both by leaving without so much as a goodbye.” Her watery eyes locked with mine, and I vowed, “I promise you, Dove, I’ll never walk away from you again.”
My pounding heartbeat was the only sound I heard as silence stretched between us.
Then my heart leapt as she murmured tearfully, “You better not.”
Relieved, I brought her hands up to my mouth to place kisses on her knuckles. There was still plenty of making up I had to do, but maybe we could start off on a better foot now.
“Josh.” The hesitancy in her voice cut through the tenuous hope spreading in my chest like a butcher knife.
“I accept your apology,” she said with a soft smile, although it looked sadder than anything. “But this doesn’t change that our”—she hesitated, as if searching for the right word—“situation isn’t easy, and it’s already cost us so much. Maybe we—maybe we shouldn’t?—”
“Is that what you want?” I cut her off because I didn’t want to hear her say it, swallowing down the real question clogging my throat.
Do you wantme?
“I can’t answer that,” she whispered regretfully. “It doesn’t matter what Iwant. Wanting you caused me to lose you. Realizing that we both want each other now doesn’t change that it’s complicated. We lost our parents—” Her voice cracked, and her shiny, brown eyes rolled upward to the ceiling, holding back more tears.
Her pain echoed within me. Not so much for the loss of my father, but the loss of her mother.
Josie had been all Dove had left, and despite me being older when Gareth introduced her into my life, she’d been a pseudo-mother for the one I’d never had. I felt her loss keenly, too.
When Dove’s eyes met mine again, they were less glossy, and she forged on, stronger and more composed. “We lost our parents, Josh. We don’t have anyone left but each other. I don’t think we should play with fire and risk that, as much as either of us want it. Being in a relationship would be tricky enough, but what happens when we fight?”
I couldn’t stop the smirk that curled on my face. “Then you yell at me like you always do and wait until I eventually admit you were right.”
She threw me a disbelieving look. “Be serious. What happens if we break up?”
