Page 185 of 12 Years
I looked at her and smiled.
‘I haven’t had a night out like this in ages,’ she said.
‘Me neither,’ I said. ‘Somehow, I just couldn’t sleep tonight.’
Payal nodded. Then, after a brief pause, she said, ‘Are you happy, Saket?’
‘Yeah. I told you I am,’ I said, looking at the waves. ‘Happy with my work and the company we’ve built. And now, thanks to you, I’m about to get a truckload of money as well. Even though you’ve lowered the bid.’ I smiled.
‘I didn’t mean happy in terms of work and money.’
‘What else then?’ I said, turning to look at her.
‘May I ask something personal?’
‘Yeah, sure.’
‘Are you happy with this Tania-type situation?’
‘She’s not a situation. She’s my girlfriend.’
‘Is she?’ Payal said.
‘What do you mean? We hang out all the time. We care for each other. We have a good physical relationship.’
‘Sure …’ she said. She took out the container with the Maggi in it from the brown paper bag.
‘You don’t approve of it, is it? You’re judging Tania,’ I said.
‘Who am I to judge her?’ Payal said, scooping up some Maggi with a wooden fork.
‘What is it then? Why did you even ask me that question?’ I said.
‘I shouldn’t have. Sorry.’
‘No, tell me.’
‘Is it real, Saket? Is what you have with Tania … is it something deep and meaningful to you?’
I remained quiet. We sat in silence as she continued to eat her noodles.
‘It’s not real,’ I said after a while. ‘Yes, it’s an arrangement. Friends with benefits, situationship, whatever you want to call it. But I don’t want real now. I have trust issues.’
‘Trust issues?’
‘Yeah … I got married. That broke down, and it was hard. But that hard was nothing compared to when my next relationship ended.’
‘You mean you and I?’
‘Yes. I went through hell. Not for days, weeks or months. But for years. Even today, I can’t trust anyone to get that close to me. Or be that vulnerable. I don’t know how I allowed it to happen back then.’
Payal stared at me for one long moment. I clenched my lips and looked away.
‘Years, Saket? To get over us?’ she said.
‘Almost a decade,’ I said. ‘And a part of me has changed forever. Like, I can’t imagine how I ever did stand-up comedy. How did I feel so free to do that?’
‘I wish you were still doing stand-up though. You were good.’
