Page 23 of 12 Years
‘If we both rock our respective presentations, let’s go out and celebrate together,’ I said.
‘Done,’ she said, and ended the call a second later.
Wait, did she just agree to go out with me? Sort of?
I opened my laptop again and resumed writing jokes about dentists, praying nobody in Reliable Polymers’ HR department was related to a dentist.
‘I feel bad for dentists. Any dentists or anyone related to dentists here?’ I said, looking at the eight people from the HR department who sat in the conference room at Reliable Polymers’ office. The office was just as boring and dull as the name of the company. Everything—from the furniture to the walls to the people—was grey.
I continued, ‘Anyone here in HR who secretly wanted to be a dentist? Pull people’s teeth out?’
Half the people in the room had a rather pained expression on their faces, as if they were getting a colonoscopy done while listening to my audition. Trying to make HR guys laugh is like trying to make a funeral procession dance. One of the senior HR guys, however, smiled. Imitating him, two junior guys smiled as well.
Okay, this was progress.
I figured the senior HR guy was the key. In the world of corporates, the juniors only laugh at the jokes their seniors laugh at.
‘I think the medical education board’s been unfair to dentists. It’s like they said, “Okay, some of you are going to be doctors. You’ll get to treat the whole body. And some of you guys will be dentists. You’ll only get to fix teeth.” The dentists were like, “Only teeth? Can we not treat the whole face?”The board was like, “No!” The dentists said, “How about the head?” No. “Give us the lips or the nose at least.” Nope. “You guys are dentists. Your job is to learn about teeth, and only teeth. The thirty-two teeth that humans have, that’s it. And you’ll do this over four years.”’
I walked up and stood in front of the senior HR person. I looked directly into his eyes and said, ‘Sir, tell me, what do they even do in dental colleges? Learn about thirty-two teeth? Sure. That’s eight teeth a year, over a duration of four years. That’s, what, like four teeth per semester?’
The senior HR guy laughed.Jackpot.On cue, his juniors followed and then the juniors’ juniors followed. The entire room erupted into laughter.
I continued, ‘Doctors are learning about the nervous system, the circulatory system, the endocrine system and so many more systems—all in one term. Meanwhile, the dentists are like, “What do we do now, sir? We’ve already learned about eight teeth this year. What now?” And what does the board tell them? “Why don’t you guys check all the toothpastes in the market and figure out which toothpaste is to be recommended by dentists in ads?”’
Everyone laughed without waiting for any cues from their seniors this time.
I bowed as I finished my three-minute audition.
‘It’s fine, you’re on,’ the senior HR person said, offering me a handshake. ‘I’m Priyansh Gupta. Head of HR here.’
‘Thank you so much, sir,’ I said.
Priyansh then turned to his two immediate juniors and introduced them. ‘This is Akhil, he handles our offsites, and this is Rakesh, he looks after employee welfare.’
I wondered what kind of welfare activities a soul-crushing, blood-sucking corporate that made polymer resins did for its people.Okay, resist making any HR or corporate jokes.
Akhil walked me out of the conference room.
‘We have to discuss the commercials with you,’ he said.
‘Mudit manages all that,’ I said. ‘I’ll ask him to call you.’
‘Sure. Would you like to do a deal for multiple events? We have four zonal offsites—Goa, Kochi, Jaipur and Siliguri.’
‘I’d love to do all four. I’ll ask Mudit to call you and work out the details and the commercials,’ I said, mentally high-fiving myself.
‘Done, bro. I spoke to Akhil already. Four cities, all in a row. Sixty. Cool?’ Mudit said to me over the phone. I was in a cab, on my way back from Reliable Polymers.
‘That was fast. And sixty thousand? For four cities? Okay, cool,’ I said. Crayon Club paid me five thousand for a night. This was fifteen thousand per show.
‘No, bro. Are you mad?’ Mudit said. ‘This is a corporate gig. Sixty thousand per city. Travel and stay separate. Four cities mean two lakhs forty thousand. The club will keep fifteen per cent. You’ll make two lakhs or so.’
‘Two lakhs?’ I sat up, unable to contain my excitement. I hadn’t heard the word ‘lakhs’ in the context of my earnings ever since I became a stand-up comic.
‘You’re welcome,’ Mudit said, laughing. ‘You should’ve made me negotiate your divorce settlement, dude.’
‘I swear. You’re the best. No wonder you’re the boss,’ I said, ending the call.
