Page 3 of 12 Years
She shrugged and half-smiled.
I turned to speak to the entire audience. ‘Apart from a few special people, we all fly economy, right? Yes, I do too. I’m a cheap bastard. Plus, my soon-to-be ex-wife bankrupted me, so I have no choice.’
Chuckles in the audience.
‘Here’s the weird thing—if you’re flying economy, they make you walk through business class, and even first class, before you get to your seat. And when you reach your seat, you know it sucks. Because you’ve already seen the fully reclining seats and the pomegranate juice and the champagne. You imagine the business-class people doing their hot-towel facials. Meanwhile, you’re struggling to put your backpack in the overhead bin, fighting for space with aunties carrying ten-kilo atta packets to their destination. I mean, why make us, the
poor economy-class types, walk through first and business class? It’s like living in Dharavi and having to pass through Antilia to get to your house. “Hello, rich people. Nice fluffy blanket, people. Amazing champagne, people. Enjoy. Now bye-bye since I can’t afford this. And yes, I’m poor.” I mean,what the hell. Can’t it be the opposite? Make the business-class folks walk through that narrow aisle, past those cramped seats, so when they reach their own seats, they find them extra amazing? Right now, it’s like walking through a five-star hotel to get to your Oyo room, bro.’
Audience laughter.
Mudit, standing in the corner, gave me a thumbs-up.
I proceeded to the concluding part of my act.
‘Now, what’s the deal with Jain food? Any Jains in the audience here?’
A man in the fifth row and the same private-equity girl raised their hands.
‘You? Again?’ I said, turning to her.
Scattered titters in the crowd.
‘They’re going to think I planted you,’ I said.
‘What to do? I’m Jain,’ she said.
‘Me Tarzan, you Jane?’ I said. Okay, that was a bad recycled joke.
Nobody laughed. I deserved that deathly silence.
‘What’s your name again?’ I asked.
‘Payal. Payal Jain,’ she said.
‘Like James Bond. Imagine ifhewas Jain,’ I said, and switched to a James Bond impersonation. ‘Hi, I am Jain. James Jain. One Martini, shaken not stirred, with no onion and garlic, please.’
This unscripted line wasn’t the best joke. However, the audience still laughed.
‘Jains definitely go to heaven, by the way. Yes, they do. Just hear me out on this,’ I said. ‘See, we Punjabis eat non-veg. We’re surely going to hell. Then there are the vegetarians, whoget the lower levels of heaven. The vegans are above that. And then there are the purest of the entire lot—the Jains—who get the best spots in heaven. Like sea-view apartments, with the top heaven contenders as neighbours. Maybe like right next to Anna Hazare and Mother Teresa.’
Payal giggled. The audience did as well.
‘So, Payal, congrats on getting prime heaven real estate. However, you do realize that most of the fun people will not be in heaven, right? The party people will be down in hell. Drinkers, gamblers and the gossips. All us fun people will be hanging out in hell. Sure, we won’t have air conditioning. The food and the booze will be low-quality and awful. But boy, we will party. The Jains, meanwhile, they will have to hang out with Anna Hazare. He’ll be like, “Come, beta, it’s pravachan and satsang time again.” Dude, hell sounds way better.’
Someone in the audience clapped. I proceeded to my closing.
‘I’m definitely going to hell for tonight, and so are many of you for laughing at my jokes. Okay, that’s it from me tonight. This is Saket Khurana, and I love you all for being a wonderful audience and encouraging me in my first show.’
Applause and cheers erupted as I left the stage.
Mudit high-fived me as I reached backstage. ‘Let’s go to the bar and celebrate this,’ he said.
‘You did it,’ Mudit said, handing me a glass of tequila and soda.
The Crayon Bar is located right outside the auditorium, for the audience to hang out in after a show. According to Mudit, the bar brings in more revenue than the actual gigs do.
‘Was I good?’ I asked Mudit as I took a sip of the tequila. ‘I thought I could’ve done better.’
