Page 99 of 12 Years
‘Fuck you, man,’ I said. ‘She didn’t cheat on me. I thinkyourwife or girlfriend cheated on you, isn’t it?’
Okay, this wasn’t funny at all. Why did I just say that? We can pick on the audience a bit, but we aren’t supposed to attack them. At that time, of course, none of this crossed my mind.
‘You know why she broke up with me? Because I’m divorced. And too old. She’s marrying a younger guy. I could beat the shit out of that younger guy, but anyway. Anybody who’s divorced in the audience? Anyone too old? Come on, admit it, you losers.’
The audience looked at me, horrified. I hadn’t called the entire audience losers. I was only calling old and divorced people losers. And in that, I was making a joke about me being the loser. You see, I’m old and divorced. So, I’m the loser. See the joke? No? Well, neither did the audience. A few people got up and walked out of the auditorium.
‘Who are these guys who are walking out? The divorced ones or the old ones?’ I said.
For the first time ever, Mudit came on stage in the middle of my act. He tapped my shoulder and whispered, ‘Let’s go, Saket.’
‘What?’ I was surprised to see him on stage.
He put his arms around my shoulders and tried to tug me. ‘Come with me.’
‘I’m okay,’ I shouted. ‘He’s the boss, guys. But he’s taking me away. Where? To Ghatkopar Jail?’
Another attempt at a joke that didn’t land. Nobody knew the context, after all.
Mudit snatched the mic from me and spoke to the audience. ‘I’m sorry, guys. Saket isn’t feeling well today. But we have a replacement act coming up, so stayed seated. Big, big applause for Saket Khurana.’
A few in the audience clapped, looking confused even as Mudit dragged me backstage and took me to the bar outside.
‘I told you I’m fine,’ I said to Mudit.
We sat in the club bar. He didn’t allow me to drink alcohol. Instead, he forced me to gulp down glasses of water. He had lectured me for half an hour. He still had more to say.
‘You’re not fine, bro. Come on, more water.’
‘No more water, Mudit, please. I’ll burst.’
‘You went on stage drunk.’
‘I just had a few beers before the act.’
‘More than a few.’
‘Cut me some slack. My girlfriend left me and is getting married to someone else.’
‘Boohoo. Should we all cry? Rename this place the Crying Club instead of the Comedy Club?’
‘I’m sorry the act didn’t go well today. It happens sometimes.’
‘Not just “didn’t go well”. You bombed. Big time.’
‘Fine, I bombed. So, kill me.’
‘You abused the audience.’
‘They said Payal cheated on me.’
‘They were fucking joking. Having fun. That’s what people come here to do. What are you? A baby? And you called the audience losers.’
‘That was a joke about me being old and divorced. It didn’t land.’
‘It crashed. And created a dumpster fire. We’ll get terrible reviews on social media for sure.’
‘I’m sorry.’
