Page 31 of Loved Out Loud
The tension between us snaps taut. I feel myself pulled toward her like the sun holding the planets in orbit. The attraction between us is stronger than gravity. Physicists should study the forces pulling us together because there’s no way they know of anything stronger.
We’re knocked out of our trance by the vehicle coming to an abrupt stop at the back of the venue. She looks away first, opening her purse and pulling the lanyard with her all access pass out of her purse and draping it over her head.
Dan opens the door and offers her a hand as she climbs out. She whispers her thanks as I’m hit with an uncomfortable wave of emotion. Jealousy is no longer a foreign sensation, but her ease with him, the way she didn’t hesitate to take his offered hand makes me furious. Irrationally so.
I walk around to the trunk and pull out my guitar case, trying to ignore the ugliness rearing its head within me. Tobias falls in step beside me.
“Thought you were gonna fuck her right there in the car.”
The only acknowledgment I give him is a grunt.
“You’re so intense about her. Is this the real you shining through now that there’s no drug- and alcohol-induced fog around you?”
“Try sobriety and find out.”
“Awww, no thanks. I quite enjoy numbing myself through chemistry.”
He fucks off as soon as we enter the venue, I’m sure to find a place to engage in said chemistry before the show. It truly doesn’t bother me that he continues to use, but I am grateful he has enough decency to not do it in front of me. I haven’t been tempted, but I know that could quickly change if the opportunity was dangled in front of me.
Luckily Hazel has been occupying most of my thoughts. The time I would have spent looking for my next fix, I spend looking for her. The high that drugs would give me has been replaced by a different kind of rush.
I find the empty dressing room I’ve requested for the tour. Icy cold bottles of water and sports drinks sit in a small refrigerator on a table. There’s a comfortable couch pushed back against the door and a scented oil diffuser in the center of the small coffee table. It’s the perfect, quiet environment for me to relax and focus in.
As soon as our opening act goes on stage, I’ll go into the greenroom with the rest of the band for our pre-performance rituals. But for now I flip open the locks on my old guitar case and pull out the beat up, hand me down acoustic I got for my tenth birthday from my uncle. It’s been my most prized possession since the day I got it.
Music flows from me as I close my eyes. It’s a new melody, lyrics filter into my mind as I settle into the song. I grab my notebook and start writing out the ideas as they come to me.
Long nights
Lazy morning
Her fingers grazing my skin
My name on her tongue
A scowl crosses my face at a loud knock on the door. Fucking inspiration always hits at the worst time. Before I can evenanswer, Darren strides into the room. He sees the pen in my hand and has the decency to wince.
“Sorry. We got worried when you were late to the greenroom.”
“So you barged in thinking I was getting high?” I set my guitar in the case and toss my closed notebook on top of it.
“It wouldn’t be the first time.”
I have nothing to say back to that because he’s right. “I got caught up writing new material.”
“That’s great. I know it’s been a challenge for you here lately. I can’t wait to hear what you’ve come up with.”
He probably won’t like it, I can already tell it’s a softer, more sensual song than what we usually put out. Maybe Xan and Tobias will be able to add an edge to it.
I follow Darren out of my room and into the greenroom. The spread of snacks and drinks in here is much bigger. Everything from a veggie platter to the Swedish candy that Xan always requests. The only thing missing is the Jim Beam, Johnny Walker, and Jose Cuervo that we used to have multiple bottles of. The air doesn’t reek of pot, and there’s no white powder dusting the table.
I give both Tobias and Xander assessing looks. Neither of them look particularly put out by our new normal. Or they’re just fucking good at hiding it. I doubt that’s the case, though; after over a decade of working and living together, I know them inside and out, just as they do me.
I’d hoped to see Hazel in here with them, but a quick glance tells me she’s nowhere to be found. Neither is Jade.
“Where are the girls?” I ask.
“Together out in the crowd,” Xan answers with an edge to his voice.
