Page 71 of Loved Out Loud
“She must have jumped into the pond to get him.” Tam watches her run back into the backyard. “I swear to god if you have kids, I hope they’re three times as wild as mine.”
“She’s going to love going to Colorado to see Luke and the kids when she’s older.” Our cousin lives on a ranch in western Colorado with his wife and their kids. Somehow I know they’ll all get along so well when they’re a bit older.
There’s a loud bang, and Eric yells something. Tam gives me an apologetic smile. “I better go help him. Thanks for calling and checking in.”
“No problem. Have a good birthday.”
“You know I will. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
Talking to my sister always grounds me, but oddly, I don’t think I needed it today. It’s not an exaggeration when I say that Hazel’s presence on the tour has somehow erased the fog of my addiction. I understand why those around me would be worried, but it doesn’t feel unhealthy. It feels right.
Twenty-Three
HAZEL
The emailfrom the private investigator I hired without telling anyone sits at the top of my inbox. Unopened for weeks but starred so I don’t lose it. Inside is a full report on my father. Everything from his employer to his home address. My younger brother and sister’s daily schedules and phone numbers are included as well.
My fingers hover over the touchpad, and I finally dig deep enough to find the courage to open my own personal Pandora’s box. The email opens and listed neatly with bullet points by family member are daily schedules, email addresses, phone numbers, and their home address.
I greedily drink up each bit of information. My half-sister, Sara, will be attending Northwestern in the fall. My half-brother, Nate, will be a junior in high school. My father holds a C-suite position at a financial institution in downtown Chicago.
The photo on the company website is achingly familiar. His blonde hair is cut the same way but is now peppered with gray. The wrinkles at the corners of his eyes when he would smile have deepened. But, otherwise, he’s the exact same as he was when he left us behind.
Included in the email is a folder of images of my siblings. I’ve never seen either of them. Nausea churns in my gut as the cursor hovers over the file. One double click separating me from over a decade of pain and questions.
Now is the only time I’ll have to open these privately before we get to Chicago. Sierra will be here in an hour and then we’re off to my signing event. I have no idea how much longer I have until Stone gets back from sound check.
Digging deep for all the courage I can muster, I click the file and watch as photos open on my screen. The first photo must be from Sara’s graduation announcement. She’s thin with long blonde hair, the complete opposite of me except for her eyes. We have the same swirling gray irises, the only genetic link I have to my father. A photo of Nate shows he could be Sara’s twin, blond hair which he has styled in the tousled way that younger guys prefer and the same eyes.
My own sting with tears I refuse to let fall. He chose the family that resembled him best to stay with. Was he an active participant in their lives? Do they know I exist? The answer to that question is probably no. I’m sure he never told them.
There are more photos, but I can’t bring myself to open them. I really don’t want to see the woman he chose over my mom. I’ve always had so many questions about her, whether she knew about us and didn’t care or was completely ignorant. I can’t figure out which is worse.
My goal in finding all this information was just to have answers. I’ve never known if I would actually reach out to them. But seeing my brother and sister makes me want to. What if theyhave no idea I exist but want to form a relationship with me? It’s not their fault our dad is a piece of shit who left my mother and I behind like forgotten garbage.
I close my laptop when I hear the door open. Stone walks in and sets down his guitar case, smiling as soon as we lock eyes. He’s so stupidly handsome I can’t even form thoughts as he prowls toward me. Those deep blue eyes of his look from me to my laptop and back to me.
“Why’d you close it so quickly when I came in the room?” he asks with a grin. “Writing some naughty scenes?”
I laugh. “No. I’m only twenty-five thousand words into the manuscript. It’s too soon for sex.”
He stops misstep, looking purely shocked. “It’s never too soon for sex.”
“It definitely can be too soon for sex.”
“I knew I wanted you from the moment I walked into that studio and saw you going up against O’Malley. I would have bent you over the couch right then and there.”
“Yeah, well, you’re a ho.”
He throws his head back with laughter. “And you reap the benefits of it,” he says once the laughter fades.
“I’m definitely not complaining.” I hold my hands up.
He leans down, palming my face between his calloused hands, and kisses me. It’s a deep, thorough reminder of why I’ve been so happy lately. His attention soothes the hurt of seeing my dad for the first time in years.
“So tell me what you were doing that you didn’t want me to see,” he says when we break apart.
