Page 20 of Deadly Ruck
Shame. I wouldn't have minded messing up these clean sheets. After the long day and exhausting night, I was tired.
In spite of that, I didn't know if I was going to be able to sleep in this place. All I could think of were Storm, Frost and Ramsey. Had they felt anything when the cottage exploded? Did they know they were about to die? Did they feel much pain or none at all?
There were times when being a doctor sucked. This was one of them. I had way too much knowledge of the impact of an explosion on human bodies. What they would have felt and where. Unless it was instant. All I could do was hope it was quick and they didn't suffer. They deserved nothing less. They were good men who should have had another sixty years ahead of them at least. We should have grown old together, until we were all grey and wrinkled. Now, none of them would get old. The team was going to fall apart without them. Hell, I was going to fall apart without them. Not now, because I had to hold it all together. But when this was over, I'd let myself grieve for as long as it took. Probably forever. I'd never get over loving and losing the three of them. Each of them would always hold a piece of my heart.
I could almost hear Storm saying, "Fucking right, you're mine even if I'm dead. You'll always belong to me."
A tear slid down my cheek. It didn't seem real that they were gone. I wished I was in the middle of a nightmare and soon would wake up. I'd find myself lying in bed, in our mansion, myguys around me. Frost snoring and Storm muttering in his sleep. That was a better reality than this. One minute we were standing there, ready to defend ourselves, and now…
"This is fucked up," Dallas whispered. His voice was choked with emotion.
All I could manage in reply was a soft, "Yeah."
Fucked up was one way to put it. Screwed up, heartbreaking, devastating, confusing…
I felt very small lying there on sheets that smelled of cardboard and plastic.
Frost would have complained that they could have washed the sheets before putting them on the bed. Storm would have given him a funny look and told him to be quiet and go to sleep.
And Ramsey, he would have wanted to go and do a workout. To burn off his frustration. I never did get around to sitting down with him and talking about that. I should have taken the time. Now I'd never get the opportunity to. What else had I missed out on doing?
So many things, including growing old with all of them. Maybe having children some day. I'd never get to experience any of that with them. I'd never get to hear their voices or feel their touch.
"Maybe they got out in time," Jay suggested in a small voice.
"Don't," I said.
"I was just—" he started.
"Getting my hopes up for nothing," I said. "I don't want to start thinking they might walk through the door when they won't."
I couldn't even let myself consider the possibility they might be alive. That would only lead to more heartbreak when it was inevitably confirmed. They were gone.
I usually didn’t think of myself as a pessimist, but right now I was. How else could I possibly be? My heart was too heavy. As it was, I was barely keeping myself from sobbing.
If I started, I wouldn't stop. And Jones would win. There was no way in hell I was letting him do that. No matter what, he didn't get to win.
I was going to find a way out of here and I was going to destroy him.
Never before in my life had I felt the part of mafia princess. That was the person I hadn't let myself be. I ran from it for my entire life. Hid from it like it might go away if I ignored it.
But now I knew, all along I’d been hiding from a piece of myself. A huge piece I couldn't deny any longer. It was as much a part of me as breathing. Daze was right, this was who I was. That admission to myself made me breathless for a few moments. It felt as though all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place and clicked. Nothing in my life made more sense than this. Nothing.
I was finally ready to embrace who I was.
More than embrace it. I was ready to burn the whole fucking world down.
If he thought he could kill my men and get away with it, he'd think twice when I was done with him. He'd wish he was chained up in Ice's workroom. He'd beg to have the skin peeled off him section by section. He'd plead to have his fingers and toes removed with a plier. He'd scream and ask to die.
What I was going to do to him, it would be a thousand times worse. It might involve an anthill and honey, I didn't know.
Whatever it was, his life would be a living hell, just like he was determined my life would become. Now more than ever, I had to be strong. I had to be the badass woman people kept telling me I could be. I had to be all of that and more. When I was done, they wouldn't even find Jones' ashes.
If my brother was here right now, he'd be impressed. Angry, but impressed.
"I'm sorry," Jay said after a couple of minutes of silence. "I didn't mean to…"
"I know," I said. "Get some rest. We're going to need it to get out of this shit."
